Multiple locations, zero fans, and a card that makes local indie shows with guys nobody has ever heard of seem good. Thank fuck this is split over 2 days so I can have a break.
PRE-SHOW DAY 1
Drew Gulak Vs Cesaro
A match I actually WANT to see! Might be the last of its kind on this show. First entrance out of the way and this already feels weird as shit without a crowd. Gulak FIRING UP with nobody there is even weirder.
Cole is commentating on his own. Halp.
I do like that Gulak seems to be keep up the gimmick of knowing his opponent’s weaknesses and being able to counter shit. He spent the early part of the match working over the arm of Cesaro to try and eliminate his strength advantage, all the while countering numerous different moves by Cesaro which usually always result in him locking in another type of arm lock.
Wait.
Did Cesaro just win. With an AIRPLANE SPIN? What is this, 1937? 
This match was barely getting started and then it ended. With an AIRPLANE SPIN. After like 4 minutes. Charlie Runkle could last longer at sex than this.
And as I’m writing this, there is an advert with John Cena riding a cow? Yup. This is real. I haven’t slipped into a coma. I don’t think.
Rating: *
CAL SCALE – 0
Wow. Seriously? ONE MATCH ON AN HOUR PRE-SHOW? AND IT WAS LESS THAN 5 FUCKING MINUTES?
DAY ONE BEGINS. With some very weird intro trailer thingy. What are they going for here? I just don’t GET it. Are they doing pirates or LOTR style fantasy?
AC/DC’S FOR THOSE ABOUT TO ROCK (WE SALUTE YOU) IS PLAYING I DON’T CARE THIS IS THE BEST WRESTLEMANIA OF ALL TIME 10/10.
Oh look. That Gronk dude is here hosting. Because everyone knows who he is. Except 99% of the fucking world because like 99% of all sports, merican fitba is fucking awful and boring as shit so barely anyone outside of merica watches or cares. Now Mojo is here. I think he used to wrestle for WWE. Maybe he still does. I don’t fucking know. I don’t fucking care. Get these two annoying losers off of my screen please.
Alexa Bliss & Nikki Cross Vs The Kabuki Warriors – WWE Women’s Tag Team Championship Match
Oh good, Cole isn’t doing commentary on his own for the main show. Delayed Hall of Famer JBL is here.
Pirate themed WrestleMania and Pirate Girl doesn’t get a special entrance because why waste money for a PC entrance in front of no people?
Sane and Asuka are entertaining as hell, crowd or no. They dance, they mock their opponents, they scream random shit and smile while doing it all. A bit like me. Except I don’t dance. Or smile. I just mock people.
Can barely hear JBL on commentary. Not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing.
NAUGHTY NIKKI. PIRATE PRINCESS. Why does WWE HAVE to give everyone some dumb fucking nickname? Also, only William Regal may use the word NAUGHTY in wrestling.
Sane and Asuka are playing to a crowd that isn’t there. I love it.
Every so often I hear random words from JBL in between quiet mumbling because WWE are apparently incompetent and couldn’t fix audio for a fucking TAPED SHOW.
Was hoping with the limited number of people allowed at the tapings, we might have less camera angles. But nah. Kevin Dunn gotta have at least 15 different angles to cut to in a 2 second period.Browse luxury designer boutiques on Paris’ Avenue Montaigne for https://www.swisswatch.is/product-category/richard-mille/rm-061/ timeless fashion treasures.
Cross is trying to get the fans to clap and get behind Bliss to help her. EXCEPT THERE ARE NO FANS. Amazing.
Wonder what everyone’s WM pay is gonna look like this week. No ticket sales + merch + everything else that WWE would make money on is gonna be a MASSIVE blow. Don’t imagine a split of just PPV buys is gonna go far once WWE take their 99.9% and split the 0.1% between the wrestlers.
Nikki got the hot tag and SCREAMS before climbing the ropes, and Cole just sits in silence for a couple of seconds before saying “well, to each their own” .
What the fuck lol? Did they just edit the footage to make it look like Sane WASN’T too late hitting that elbow to break up a pin?
TWISTED BLISS RIGHT TO THE LEGS OF SANE.
New champs.
Match was ok. I had more fun RAMBLING than WATCHING though.
Rating: **
CAL SCALE – 0.5
Zayn goes into a WM at the IC champ. And its THIS WM. Yeah, that’s about right. Gotta love how Nakamura is now just a lackey for Zayn . Shame Cesaro is just a lackey for Zayn though.
King Corbin Vs Elias
*checks video file* Huh. This is a match at WrestleMania. I’ll be a monkey’s second cousin.
at that “fall” that happened on SD 2 weeks ago. Oh my fucking god was that filmed and edited SO BADLY. I could do a better fucking job.
Please let this end in a forfeit. PLEASE.
Dammit.
GEETAR TO THE BACK OF THE KING. Bell hasn’t rung yet so no DQ. DAMMIT. I just want this match to end before it starts. Is that too much to ask? IS IT? Really?
Apparently fucking so.
I just have to ask though. Say there was no virus going around. Everything was fine. WrestleMania was inside a stadium with 100,000 screaming fans in attendance. Would this SERIOUSLY still have made the card? I don’t want to believe it would have, but deep down I know the truth.
“Some of the experts say they see some of JBL in King Corbin”. Ok Cole. I need to know who the FUCK these “experts” are. Because I don’t think they exist. At all. You lying sack of shit.
Ok, took a break for… 4 hours ( ) to build up the last piece of new furniture for my bedroom, help clear some stuff in the garden, and drop off some supplies for my Grandma and get some rubbish from her to put in the massive skip we have outside. I suppose I should continue with the rest of this match…
At least Corbin is making an effort. He keeps shouting to Cole and JBL, and arguing with the referee. He still sucks though. And is boring as shit in the ring. BORIN CORBIN.
Elias wins with a fucking roll up .
This was a waste of my time. Your time. Everyone’s time.
Rating: DUD
CAL SCALE – 0
Becky Lynch Vs Shayna Baszler – WWE Raw Women’s Championship Match
Ah shit, just spat coke out of my mouth. Becky showing up in a fucking truck trying to be Austin. This would have been shit normally, but with no crowd? HILARIOUSLY BAD . Even worse is that she just shows up, and then Shayna Baszler makes her entrance first. So like… does Becky just drive that thing around normally? Because it wasn’t used for a special entrance .
No crowd just makes everything so lifeless. So hard to watch this show and I’m only 1/3 of the way through DAY ONE.
Becky wins. I don’t care. This entire event is going to kill me.
Rating: DUD
CAL SCALE – 0
Trailer for the upcoming Taker documentary 
. This is literally the highlight of the show. I know I’m not even half way through Day 1, but come on, what the fuck is going to be more interesting with this?
Daniel Bryan Vs Sami Zayn – WWE Intercontinental Championship Match
Oh hey something I am interested in. Kinda expecting Gulak to turn on Bryan though. Because its obvious as fuck, and WWE is shit at being creative.
Mojo Gronkley is still there. Huh.
Sami channelling his inner Zbyszko and STALLING
Cesaro and Nakamura keep blocking Bryan from getting to Sami, so Gulak takes them out. Sami tries to run, Gulak stops him, but Bryan tells him its ok, let him go and win via countout even if it means Bryan won’t win the title. Sami is happy, starts to walk away, and as soon as his back is turned and his guard is dropped, Bryan runs out after him and drags him into the ring to properly start the match!
So we went from 2 matches where having no crowd was obvious and killed any chance of me caring, to a match where I forgot for a moment that there wasn’t a crowd because both men are simply being great. Hate that this isn’t at a show with a hot crowd.
Bryan beats the shit out of Sami, yelling that he hasn’t earned anything etc. Sami tries to control the match, but Bryan no sells the chops and comes back with a killer clothesline and Sami is back on the mat in pain.
Gulak keeps giving Bryan some encouragement, until Cesaro and Nakamura return and take him out, causing Bryan to take his eye off of Sami to dive onto them on the floor. When he gets back into the ring he gets smashed in the face with the Helluva Kick and Sami retains the title!
Good match, and we are likely to get some sort of rematch imo.
Rating: ***1/4
CAL SCALE – 2
Kofi Kingston Vs John Morrison Vs Jimmy Uso – Tag Team Championship Ladder Match
A triple thread ladder match for the tag team titles because of course. Bah Gawd what would happen if Jimmy grabbed one belt and Kofi grabbed the other belt? If they do that then they totally stole my idea. Which I just though of. Around 16 hours after this match aired. And who knows how long after it was actually taped. BUT THEY WILL HAVE STOLEN MY IDEA IF THEY DO IT.
Morrison in an empty arena seems fitting though, because he is so void of charisma it is physically painful. Did anyone else see that special on the Network about his return? He was trying SO HARD to be entertaining on camera when he was being followed around and failing SO HARD I almost felt sorry for him. Almost. What a boring bastard he is.
All 3 men go outside for a ladder. Morrison, the white guy, has the smaller ladder. Amma just leave that there for you to think about.
Apparently children in Africa only wanna talk about Kofi.
So this was turned into a singles triple threat because Miz was sick or something, right? Well Jay and Big E are ok aren’t they? And this is a fucking LADDER MATCH, right? Ladder matches are No DQ, are they not? SO WHY THE FUCK ARE THOSE TWO NOT OUT HERE? It makes zero sense, even in wrestling logic lol. Makes Jay and Big E look like morons.
ok, I think we finally just had a good ladder match spot for the first time in about a decade. I… don’t have the energy to type out what it was. You will know what it was. I might make a gif of it if I can be arsed.
Morrison apparently uses PARKOUR in his offence, and according to Cole it means using everything around you. Uhhh… wouldn’t that mean EVERY FUCKER IN EVERY LADDER MATCH EVER is a Parkour expect?
Fucks sake, what was that shit? Kofi is running the ropes clearly looking to dive on Morrison. Morrison has a ladder in his hands. Instead of smashing the ladder into Kofi, he PUTS THE LADDER DOWN AND LETS KOFI SMASH INTO HIM.
WHY??? Kofi was on the turnbuckle on one side, Morrison on the other side. Instead of jumping down and running across the ring… Morrison decided to walk the top rope to get to Kofi instead . WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT YOU DUMB FUCK? Congrats on not falling (or maybe doing it a few times and them editing in the one where he didn’t fall…), but it was fucking pointless and stupid and served zero purpose to the match beyond trying to force a WRESTLEMANIA MOMENT. And trust me, most fans will forget it within an hour. But I can see WWE showing replays of it for years to come because Vince will think its kewl.
“EAT THAT. EAT THAT KOFI. FLATTENED YO FACE LIKE A PANCAKE, BOY!”
Morrison got superkicked in the face and looked like he was dead. Kofi is dead on the floor. So Jimmy decided to climb the ladder and grab the titles, right? WRONG, YOU FUCKING MORON. THAT WOULD MAKE SENSE. THIS IS MODERN DAY WRESTLING. THAT SHIT DON’T HAPPEN. Instead he climbs a ladder set up in the corner as if he was gonna jump onto Morrison. Only for Morrison to get back up and push him to the floor. DUMB FUCK.
Kofi and Morrison fighting on the ladder, and oh look, that ladder is still set up between the ladder and the ropes. I bet someone is gonna fall on it cos SPOTZ~!
All 3 men are on a ladder and have a hand on the titles. They all pull the belts down, so its whoever can hold onto them wins. Morrison goes crashing to the ladder I mentioned earlier, but he pulls down the belts with him while Kofi and Uso are left holding their cocks… uhh the metal hook thingy that held the belts. Miz and Morrison retain lol.
This match has one good spot and a whole lot of STUPID SHIT and a fun finish. For that I’ll give it a higher rating than it probably deserves.
Rating: **
CAL SCALE – 0.5
Kevin Owens Vs Seth Rollins
Oh hey, speaking of matches full of STUPID SHIT, its time for Seth Vs Owens.
I know I haven’t been an angel in my 31 years of life so far, but come on. Have I really been THAT bad that this match is a thing and I’m going to watch it? I mean yes I could just NOT watch, but its WM and this is my WM Ramble and I do them every year. What was I saying? Oh yeah, this match is probably gonna be fucking awful and it’ll be like torture for me. THANKS WWE. Ya cunts.
They do some shitty brawling. Some dives because stuff. Rollins says something about being a god when the lights are on. Is he a devil in the dark then? Just buy a lite switch. Or a Nintendo Switch. There is currently a massive sale on the Nintendo eShop btw. I have bought a whole 2 games now at 89p each. One is like an OG GB game, green and black colour scheme too. There are a couple like it on the Switch, I own 3 now I think. The other game is… uhhh… shit. I forgot. Oh yeah! Pocket Mini Golf! Looks fun. Reminds me of that old Flash Mini Golf game from back in the day. The GB style game is Squidlit. Have a look. Try it out.
RING BELL TO THE FACE. Kevin Owens wins. was that seriously the finish to this match? This feud has been going on since like January, and this is how it ends?
Garbage match. Garbage wrestlers. Garbage finish.
BUT WAIT. Owens has a mic. Probs wants the match to restart. Yey. There is more…
It is also No DQ now. I’m sure that will turn the match from a DUD to **************************45/87.
“I can do whatever I want. No DQ. Whatever I want”. Ok Seth, maybe you should have a good fucking match for a change?
Owens dives off the WM sign onto Seth through the announce table. I’m numb to this shit now. At least the match is over now.
Oh. No. Owens gotta land his shitty Stunner first.
Well, this match went from a DUD when it was that DQ finish… to a DUD. Congrats!
Rating: DUD
CAL SCALE – 0
Gronkle Mojey are still here. At least R-Truth shows up to be entertaining. Until Mojo wins the 24/7 title. But at least he is fucking off. Hopefully Grunks McDipshit chases after him to try and win the title and we never have to see them again. Like, ever. Not just at this WM.
PAUL HEYMAN. SAVE US, PAUL. PLEASE. It might just be an interview with him hyping up Day 2’s main event, but its Heyman on the mic so its good. Better than most of the other garbage on this shit show.
Goldberg Vs Braun Strowman – WWE Universal Championship Match
Goldberg Vs Roman time! Oh no, wait. Braun. Because uhhh. Well Roman decided it was better to stay home just in case. Braun gets a title shot because he won a #1 contend… no wait. Braun is getting a title shot cos he and Goldberg had a big angle on Smackdown last wee… no, wait. Braun is getting this title shot BECAUSE. Just because. Its WrestleMania. THE WWE UNIVERSAL CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH DOESN’T NEED A REASON. I cannot facepalm this decision without giving myself a concussion.
30 seconds of them not hitting finishers and then SPEAR. SPEAR. SPEAR. KICKOUT. SPEAR.
POWERSLAM. POWERSLAM. POWERSLAM. POWERSLAM.
Braun is the new WWE universal Champion. About 3 years too late and in front of zero fans with no feud or buildup or REASON for the match happening beyond “Roman isn’t here”.
Rating: DUD
CAL SCALE – 0
The Undertaker Vs AJ Styles – Boneyard Match
What the FUCK is a Boneyard match? And what Bonehead came up with it?
This is an UNDERTAKER match at WM and even I’m not looking forward to it.
So, is this match just a buried alive match on location, but they didn’t wanna use the term BURIED ALIVE because it might offended people who died of coronavirus? The world is dumber than I thought (and I consider the majority of people to be fucking morons tbh) if that is the case.
UNDERTAKER ARRIVES IN A HEARSE .
Oh wait, hahahahahaha its just AJ Styles.
Oh hey, Taker is back as the ABA. Nice. Weird for him to do that in a BONEYARD MATCH, but whatever 
.
Oh god the camera cuts and editing are already pissing me off. Looks like some shitty horror film some college kids made .
Why is there music playing in the background?
What the fuck was that shot of AJ in the grave?
Who are all these fuckers dressed as druids?
Who thought this shit was a good idea?
Why is AJ still dead in the grave from a single punch?
Taker showing Gallows and Anderson how to use a shovel. With a stick that has the shovel part broken off.
Oh hey AJ is back and decked Undertaker with… something that exploded on impact.
Maybe I should consider going sober from now on. I think I’m seeing things. Like this match.
I hope this match ends with Michelle McCool hitting the Styles Clash on AJ .
BAH GAWD SHOVEL TO THE BACK OF THE UNDERTAKER. HE FELL INTO THE GRAVE. Oh god please have Taker randomly rise out of it as the Dead Man .
Well, close enough, a bright light appeared behind AJ and Taker was randomly behind him .
Huh, ABA Taker can summon fire too. Good to know.
those sound effects for the punches .
Is this some WWE Network film or a WrestleMania match?
Oh yeah what happened to all those druids? They only got punched once each.
Chokeslam off the top of the random horror film house!!!
AWWWW THEY GONNA HUG IT OUT 
.
BOOT TO DA FACE~!
AJ is dead in the grave again.
FARMER TAKER~!
AJ buried under like an inch of dirt .
AJ’s hand coming up through the soil! OMG DEADMAN AJ GONNA BE HIS GIMMICK WHEN HE RETURNS!!!
So uhhh… is this the American Dead Man gimmick? I’m confused.
I’m also confused about my thoughts on this match. It was either the shittest thing I’ve ever seen, or the greatest. Fuck it. I’ll throw it a couple of stars as it at least kept me entertained
Rating: **
CAL SCALE – 0.5
DAY TWO, BITCHES~!
Pre-Show. Yey…
Natalya Vs Liv Morgan
These two in a match, in an empty arena, on the pre-show? Fuck off .
Rating: NO
CAL SCALE – -1
PROPER SHOW TIME~!
Not looking forward to this as I awoke to a message saying if I wanted to go to sleep, I should watch Edge Vs Orton .
Oh goodie, Grenklestiltskin is back.
Charlotte Flair Vs Rhea Ripley – NXT Women’s Championship Match
Apparently people said Rhea Ripley looked like a “mini Charlotte”. I… I just… WHAT?
So, does Charlotte have a character of her own, or is she still literally just a female Ric? The robe, the wooooo, the chops, and her version of the figure four. I ain’t seeing anything else.
Fuck me, had to turn the volume WAY DOWN for this one. AARGGGGGHHH, ARRGH, AAAAARGH, AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHH. That’s all I can fucking hear and its loud as fuck. And very annoying.
So Charlotte works the leg. Rhea sells the leg. I mute the match. My headache goes away. Speaking of going away, so long, leg work selling! Let’s run around and do shit on the leg as if nothing was wrong! Carry Charlotte on my back and walk around before dropping her with an Electric Chair? SURE, WHY NOT! Run? OF COURSE! YOU DON’T NEED LEGS AND KNEES FOR THAT! Who the fuck is teaching these wrestlers; Seth?
MISSILE DROPKICK OFF THE TOP ROPE? Really?
What just happened? Charlotte is stomping the shit out of Rhea’s leg, then turns around and gets superkicked by Rhea who is not only standing up… but… did she also just teleport? This ain’t the boneyard match, ladies.
Also, how long has this match been going? I’m 32 minutes into the show now and this is the first match.
HEY I HAVE A BAD LEG MAYBE I SHOULD ATTEMPT A SUPERPLEX. ME SMRT .
Worst. Spear. Ever.
Figure Eight. Charlotte wins the title.
Legit the only good thing I can say about this match is that at least Charlotte stuck to her game plan. She went for the leg/knee, she kept going to it all the way through the match, and it paid off in the end.
20 minutes of my life I’m never seeing again.
Rating: *
CAL SCALE – 0
Aleister Black Vs Bobby Lashley
Oh yeah, Lashley is still a thing. So, what’s the feud going into this match?
…
…
…
…
Uhhh… I asked a question. Why are these two men HAVING A MATCH AT WRESTLE-FUCKING-MANIA?
Just asked on a Discord about the match. Seems it is happening because it was booked. So this is nothing more than a fucking RAW match randomly taking place at WRESTLEMANIA.
OVERHEAD BELLY TO BELLY SUPLEX ON THE FLOOR. I’m fine with this match existing now.
Lashley hits some moves because its a match.
Lashley is about to hit the Dominator. Lana says no and tells him to hit the Spear.
Lashley chargers at Black for the Spear. Black counters with a kick. Black wins.
Get off my WrestleMania, Raw match.
Rating: DUD
CAL SCALE – 0
Bailey and Banks interview. Shockingly this doesn’t get me excited for whatever match is about to happen.
WWE advertising MITB. Can they even have a MITB Ladder Match with the current situation?
Otis Vs Dolph Ziggler
Weird Fat Guy doesn’t get the girl. Probably the easiest story for wrestling fans to get behind .
JBL rambles and says stupid shit to try and defend the heel in this situation. Remember when heel announcers would try and use the truth against the faces to make the heels? Now they just spout random shit. SOMEONE MAKE A VIDEO EDIT OF SONYA SPEAKING ACTUAL WORDS AND SENDING ACTUAL TEXT MESSAGES ITS FAKE LOLOLOL. Makes JBL sound like an utter moron .
SOUPAKICK~!
Dolph does stuff. I don’t care.
OTIS FIRES UP WITH A TRUFFLE SHUFFLE, APPARENTLY .
WORLD’S STRONGEST SLAM~!
FAT WORM~!
LOW BLOW~! EXCEPT IT LOOKED MORE LIKE DOLPH KICKED OTIS IN THE ARSE~!
Mandy Rose shows up and low blows Mr Ziggles. FAT WORM (yes I know it isn’t called that shut up)~!
Otis wins.
Otis was fun, but this type of match with no crowd just fell FLAT.
MANDY AND OTIS KISS~!
Rating: *
CAL SCALE – 0
Edge Vs Randy Orton – Last Man Standing Match
Edge makes his big epic return for ONE LAST MATCH at WrestleMania… and its at the PC with no crowd . Best he wishes he wasn’t medically cleared now lol.
Orton was a camera man and jumped Edge, landing an RKO as Edge waited for him to show up. Referee tells Edge to get up so the match can begin, and once it does… RKO~!
But of course TWO FINISHING MOVES IN A ROW aren’t enough to end the match. Thankfully Edge didn’t technically get up, he just crawled to the edge of the ring and fell out so technically for a second he was on his feet before collapsing to the ground.
CAMERA SHOT~! So 2 finishing moves and being smashed with a camera aren’t enough still. This is the first 2 minutes. I heard it goes for 36 minutes. Send help.
Brawling in the GYM. I’m already bored.
“OMG THROUGH THE SLED” That might be the lamest OMG moment of all the time.
They just keep punching each other and throwing each other into walls and boxes and shit. This is tedious as all fuck.
Time no longer has meaning for me. I assume it has passed, but I don’t know by how much.
DDT on a truck.
Spear on a bigger truck.
RKO on the bigger truck as a counter to another spear.
Can it end now please?
PLEASE?
Nope. Not yet…
Conchairto to Orton as Edge cries or something. Its finally over.
This. Was. HORRIBLE. I cannot say a single good thing about it.
Rating: DUD
CAL SCALE – 0
Wait, I can’t give that match a DUD. It deserves worse. NEW RULE. New rating for the match:
Rating: NO
CAL SCALE – -1
Ronald McGronkald shit happens.
Austin Theory & Angel Garza Vs The Street Profits – WWE Raw Tag Team Championship Match
WHO ARE ANY OF THESE PEOPLE?
Cryme Tyme V2?
I’m not 100% certain on this, but I THINK its WrestleMania. Hard to tell with street profit dudes YELLING IT EVERY 2 FUCKING SECONDS.
“THERE GO THE PANTS AT WRESTLEMANIA”
One of the street profit dudes dives over the ropes and hits one of his opponents and his partner. Apparently HE NEEDED TO HIT HIS OWN PARTNER TO TAKE OUT HIS OPPONENT. Ummm… how about NO, you crazy dutch bastard! Wait, that’s Austin Powers. Anyway. NO YOU FUCKING MORON. You did not, in ANY WAY, need to dive on your own partner to take out your opponent at the same time. I have an idea. Instead of diving over the ropes, how about SLIDING UNDER THE ROPES, and JOINING YOUR PARTNER in beating the shit out of your opponent in a 2 on 1 situation?
Oh, sorry, that would require NOT BEING A FUCKING MORON.
Street Profits win at some point. The Fresh Princess of Belair runs down to beat up Vega because I don’t fucking know.
Rating: DUD
CAL SCALE – 0
TITUS IS HERE! He is replacing that merican fitba dude as the host. Because we need one apparently.
Sasha Banks Vs Bayley Vs Lacey Evans Vs Tamina Vs Naomi – WWE Smackdown Women’s Championship Match
Oh look, its nobody I like!
Fucking hell at the camera cuts here when Tamina, Banks and Naomi are in the ring together . #FIREKEVINDUNN
Tamina is big and strong and the “favourite” to win. Which means she gets hit by everyone and pinned because that’s the only way WWE can book MONSTERS in a multiperson match.
Women are eliminated. Bayley wins to retain. Garbage.
Rating: DUD
CAL SCALE – 0
John Cena Vs Bray Wyatt – Firefly Funhouse Match
John Cena finally coming out to no boos. Must feel good .
Cena teleported from the ring to the fun house. Time for some more cheesy “on location” shit I guess .
Vince McMahon puppet. FIVE STARS.
Now Bray Wyatt is cutting the same promo as Angle did back in 02 when Cena debuted. And 02 Cena shows up . Cena keeps trying to slap Wyatt and Wyatt keeps ducking while we have cartoony sound effects .
“YOU CAN LOOK BUT YOU CAN’T TOUCH” .
Hulk Wyatt at SNME. I have now idea what is happening. Cena worked out too much and can’t life his arms now.
Now for Rapper Cena.
I always heard Vince liked snorting coke. I guess he switched to LSD.
“THIS IS SUCH GOOD SHIT” .
I think Bray won?
Ummm… gonna do the same for this as I did Taker/AJ.
Rating: **
CAL SCALE – 0.5
Drew McIntyre Vs Brock Lesnar – WWE Championship Match
How the fuck do we go from THAT match to this one?
Heyman not even arsed to do the introduction for Lesnar.
Match started almost like a real match, but was less than a minute in before we got the first CLAYMORE KICK and a Lesnar kickout. Now its time for SUPLEX CITY.
F-5 and McIntyre kicks out at ONE? Who does he think he is? Goldberg?
F-5 number two and McIntyre kicks out at two. So logic dictates that a third F-5 would see McIntyre kick out at 3, thus given Lesnar the win.
F-5 number 3 and McIntyre kicks out at… 2? WELL FUCK MY LOGIC, APPARENTLY.
I should have known better. Logic and wrestling don’t mix.
CLAYMATION KICK~! Or Claymore. Whatever.
ANOTHER KICK~!
ANOTHER KICK~!
McIntyre beats Lesnar in the main event of WrestleMania to become WWE Champion. And it is about as special as… as this entire show was.
Rating: DUD
CAL SCALE – 0
WrestleMania IV has some real competition when it comes to the worst WrestleMania of all time.
Overall CAL SCALE – 2
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