WrestleMania. Its here. Again. And my excitement is the least is has ever been. I have low expectations for this show. VERY LOW. Which gives it a very good chance of surpassing my expectations. Hopefully.
Buddy Murphy Vs Tony Nese – WWE Cruiserweight Championship Match
Why does Nese look like he stole an old Seth Rollins outfit and cut it up?
Fun stuff early on, with some FLIPPY FLIPPY teases that result in a couple of nice shots to the face instead. Aaaand then we get an advert for WM while the screen for the match shrinks and we lose commentary 
. At least they didn’t cut away from the match completely. That’s something. Right?
Murphy’s eye is bleeding. No idea why. Maybe it was one of the early strikes, or maybe something happened when they showed the ad for WM and the screen was so small for the match that nobody could fucking see what happened.
Hilariously bad set up for that moonsault while Murphy is in the ropes. instead of RUNNING at Murphy to slap him in the face while he’s sat on the ropes… Nese decides to do a forward roll! Reminds me of Galaxy Quest when Tim Allen’s character starts rolling everywhere and claims it helps . I wish I was watching Galaxy Quest instead. Haven’t seen it in a while. I should change that. Maybe it’ll be my reward for getting through WrestleMania. The dude who played ELIAS in Person of Interest is in it too. I should re-watch Person of Interest at some point as well. I miss that show. Was so fucking good.
Fuck me this whole strike exchange/counter/avoidance shit is . It just doesn’t look good. They might as well scream THIS IS FAKE.
These two sure like to spend time in that corner, taking a beating then making a comeback OUTTA NOWHERE. HOLY SHIT SOMEONE TOOK DOWN THEIR KNEE PAD TO ATTEMPT A KNEE SHOT! Usually someone does that and goes for a superkick . Ironically the running knee without the kneepad is countered with a superkick. And then a running knee. And Nese wins.
I look forward to seeing the ***+ ratings and “MOTN” comments about this match later on. Me though? Thought it was meh as fuck. Stuff happened, it was fine. Other stuff happened and it was awful. And then it ended.
Rating: *
CAL SCALE: 0
Women’s Battle Royal
I actually forgot they did one of these last year too. For the best as it seems I thought it was awful. I expect nothing different here.
Lillian Garcia still looking AMAZING. Better than almost everyone in the ring for the match imo.
Poor Asuka. She was the Smackdown Women’s Champion a couple of weeks ago, and then Vince shit himself and put the belt on Charlotte for absolutely no reason and Asuka has been relegated to this shitfest of a match. WOMEN’S REVOLUTION!!!
Cross running around like an utter pleb is far more hilarious than I think it was supposed to be. In the sense that I don’t think it was supposed to be funny in the slightest.
Half the women in the ring already sat around in the corner doing fuck all .
Some women get eliminated. Lots of them just kinda wander around and scream to show they have a character. I don’t know who most of them are. I’ve certainly seen them in Rumble matches and last year’s battle royal but fucked if I remember their names. Most of them are awful. Where is the one who wears the hats and walks and shit? I guess she’s got a random entrance to make later in the show. one of the women held down the ropes BEFORE the other women even ran at her. And she still went over the ropes and ended up being eliminated. What a moron .
Lil DeVille, Wolverine and Asuka are the final 3.
Logan wins. No, wait, apparently Carmella is a) in this match and b) not eliminated yet. She wins instead.
I already forgot this entire match.
Rating: DUD
CAL SCALE: 0
The Revival Vs Curt Hawkins & Zack Ryder – WWE Raw Tag Team Championship Match
DASH WILDER 
. He punched that pathetic cunt who jumped Bret Hart at the HOF right in the FACE.
“Hey, this guy has a 269 match losing streak. GIVE HIM A TITLE MATCH AT WRESTLEMANIA!!!” Clearly he deserves it…
Dawson apologises to Ryder because his partner is Hawkins . WILDER gets a nice big pop when he’s tagged in .
Cole randomly turns Southern for like 5 seconds. The RAHVAVAL~!
THE SMASH MOUTH IN YOUR STYLE~!
TALKING TRASH, GETTING HEADS IN THEIR OPPONENTS~!
Cole is on FIRE tonight 
.
Shame this match isn’t on fire. Its about as standard as a tag match can get. 2 local teams in an 80’s territory could have this match on a random syndicated show in Arkansas.
Gotta love how the HOT TAG is to the guy who hasn’t won in his last 269 matches .
Hawkins makes another tag and… and I genuinely must have blacked out for like a minute and missed when he tagged out in the first place .
BRAINBUSTER ON THE FLOOR. The fact that a BRAINBUSTER ON THE FLOOR isn’t the finish makes me sad.
Hawkins is dead. Referee checks on him and somehow determines he’s ok to continue even though his eyes are shut and he isn’t responding . ROLL UP OUTTA NOWHERE and the streak ends. On the Pre-show. So nobody will remember it by next week .
Nothing really wrong here, but its so basic and probably goes on a little longer than it needed.
Rating: *
CAL SCALE: 0
Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal
Oh joy. Another battle royal that doesn’t mean shit. 2 dude from Saturday Night Live who I have never heard of in my life are also in this match. Magical.
Oh hey, the Hardy Boys are here. Matt won last year, which I forgot about until they just mentioned it.
Poor Braun. Will he EVER get something decent to do at WM?
The 2 SNL guys hide under the ring. Yawn. Guessing Braun will be the last guy and they’ll come back and Braun will kill them for the win.
About 10 guys get eliminated within seconds and I don’t recognise who any of them are.
OH SHIT LUKE HARPER IS HERE! Looking… old and skinny. Like, not well old and skinny.
Didn’t Rhyno retire?
FAT GUY DOING THE WORM. Greatest WrestleMania moment of all time.
Harper gets eliminated and I forgot he was in the match up until that point. What a great return for him…
Hardy Boys look like they dug out some outfits from 2000.
Braun almost gets eliminated by the Hardy Boys, and the SNL guys try to help, but fail and the Hardy Boys are gone. Leaving Braun alone with the two nobodies from that incredibly unfunny show. One of the nobodies grabs a mic and… brings in his therapist. Braun kills him because duh. One of the SNL guys tries to escape and gets slapped and eliminated. The other avoids a boot and they tease him winning. Braun wins. It doesn’t matter. The winner of this thing goes on to do nothing.
Shite match.
Rating: DUD
CAL SCALE: 0
And so ends the kick off show. I’ll never get that time back. Now to spend the next… FIVE AND A HALF HOURS? Five and a half hours watching WrestleMania. Yey.
WrestleMania starting off with wrestling? Nah, Alexa Bliss on the mic instead. She snaps her fingers and kills half the roster. I mean, brings out HULK HOGAN. The entrance ramp is too long so Hogan stays on the stage lol. SILVERDOME BOTCH REFERENCE~! Well that was pointless. Potentially the theme of the show. WrestleMania 35: POINTLESS!
PAUL HEYMAN! He’s on his way to the ring. Because apparently we STILL can’t have wrestling at WRESTLEmania . If Lesnar can’t go on LAST, then fuck it, he’s gonna open the show and feck off to Las Vegas to UFC! Nice of Heyman to do this. I can stop watching the show after this match! *sigh* I wish…
Brock Lesnar Vs Seth Rollins – WWE Universal Championship Match
Oh look Seth is somehow completely ready for the match right now even though he was probably only expecting to wrestle like 4 and a half hours into the show. Amazing how that happened. Almost like this was “planned” ahead.
BORK goes right for Seth and doesn’t even let him in the ring. KILL HIM, BROCK! BURN HIM DOWN!
F-5 ON THE FLOOR~!
Seth gets thrown around into things, and finally Lesnar gets him in the ring to start the match but the referee doesn’t seem to want to ring the bell yet cos Seth is hurt. Maybe if he was unconscious he might ring the bell. Or was that another referee that ignored the fact that Hawkins was dead? 
Well, if the referee isn’t gonna ring the bell yet, Lesnar is gonna kill Seth on the outside some more.
Back in the ring, the referee finally rings the bell . Taking more of a beating was clearly the way to get the match started .
GERMAN~!
GERMAN~!
GERMAN~!
SPANISH~!
ITALIAN~!
WELSH~!
F-5 attempt is blocked, referee takes a bump and Seth hits a low blow. COWARD.
Curb Stomp but Lesnar is more concerned about selling his balls still .
Another Curb Stomp and Lesnar is still selling his balls .
A third Curb Stomp and Seth wins. Wow. That was fucking terrible . Lesnar has been hit with a billion finishers and kicked out and no-sold them all, but 3 shitty stomps and its over like that?
This might be the worst major title match at a WrestleMania EVER. Cena/JBL was better.
Rating: DUD
CAL SCALE: 0
AJ Styles Vs Randy Orton
Dear Mr Orton,
Please put some effort into your match tonight.
Thanks.
So why are these two having a match?
There is a Lesnar head shaped puddle in the ring which I’m guessing is from the SWEAT of Brock. Dude barely does anything and his face just drips with the stuff. I bet Sable had to go on top when they have sex so she doesn’t drown.
Backbreaker on the barricade always makes me smile. Shame nothing else is making me smile in this match so far. Fuck me is it BORING.
AJ teases a springboard forearm, and Orton tries to hit the RKO OUTTA NOWHERE, but AJ lands back on the apron and Orton just… DIES . He falls onto the mat and just GIVES UP and lets AJ hit him with a 450 splash . Like, how did not hitting an RKO take THAT much out of Orton . Fucking hell I legit burst out laughing at that entire spot.
MASSIVE superplex. Looked cool.
I think Orton’s batteries are running low. Might explain why he just dropped dead earlier. He gets bursts of energy and then he just seems to stop dead. He was setting AJ up for that DDT in the ropes and just… stopped moving. For no reason. Dead. And then BOOM. Batteries kicked back in and he could move again.
RKO~!
Kick out.
FURNOMANOM FOURARM~!
RKO is countered. Another Phenomenal Forearm. AJ wins.
The match made me burst out laughing at one point, so that’s something. The only thing, actually.
Rating: *
CAL SCALE: 0
Ad for WWE 2K19. Lots of accolades from gaming reviewers. Literally only heard of IGN, and they only mentioned the MyCareer mode .
LACY EVANS~! OMG SHE’S WALKING OUT ONTO THE STAGE. AND THEN WALKING BACK! THIS IS AWESOME *CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP*.
The Usos Vs The Bar Vs Shinsuke Nakamura & Rusev Vs Ricochet & Aleister Black – WWE Smackdown Tag Team Championship Match
THE OMINOUS MAN FROM AMSTERDAM . Is that seriously Black’s nickname? Is it supposed to be cool? Or scary? Or mysterious? Because it is 100% fucking HILARIOUS to me .
2 guys start and then within a couple of minutes, ever team makes a blind tag at some point.
Cesaro does a big swing while Sheamus hits those clubs to about 4 guys in a row. How Cesaro or Ricochet didn’t puke after all that is beyond me. I was feeling sick watching it. Which is probably the theme for this show. WrestlMania 35: Making Me Sick.
Ricochet breaks up a tag with a Shooting Star Press. Except the referee could have easily make a 3 count but decided to stop and let Ricochet spend 5 seconds hitting the move instead.
Where the fuck is everyone? Its just Rusez & Nakamura taking on Ricochet and Black, but I don’t recall everyone else taking massive bumps and dying or anything. Lazy bastards probably taking a break.
One of those “towers of doom” or whatever the fuck its called with like 6 guys. Meh. Looked like shit.
630 splash looks like it might end the match but somehow everyone is well enough to break up the pin. Which is crazy cos a few minutes ago they were all dead from absolutely nothing, but now they took that big tower of shite move they are capable of recovering in an instant.
Kickfest. I’m sure a bunch of superkick fans have blown their load after that.
Double splash and Usos win.
People did things. Moves were hit. Someone won. I didn’t care.
Rating: 1/2*
CAL SCALE: 0
Hall of Fame people come out on the stage. Nobody attacks Bret Hart thankfully. Nobody attacks Brutus unfortunately.
Shane McMahon Vs The Miz
This is a WRESTLEMANIA match .
MIZ’S DAD is the only good thing about this.
Bell rings and Shane already makes it awful with his punches .
Match is No DQ and No Countout as well apparently. Makes sense. Shane needs weapons to have good matches.
Shane looks for that elbow through the announce table spot, but MIZ’S DAD gets in the way. Oh how I wish this was Shane Vs MIZ’S DAD instead.
MIZ’S DAD IS GETTING IN THE RING . YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES!
I bet he throws better punches than Shane. But we don’t see cos Shane jumps him first. COWARD. Didn’t even wanna stand toe to toe with MIZ’S DAD. Cos he’s scared.
The match is Falls Count Anywhere too? COULD SOMEONE EXPLAIN THE RULES TO ME IN FULL, PLEASE? Instead of fucking drip feeding them to me on commentary during the sodding match?
DDT ON PART OF THE STAGING OR SOMETHING BUT MIZ’S HEAD CLEARLY GOES NOWHERE NEAR THE FLOOR~!
Leg work by Miz. He uses a chair at one point and I *think* he hits the knee with it but Shane doesn’t exactly sell it like he was just hit in the knee with a chair so I’m not sure if he got his leg out of the way or not. Weird spot.
FUNAKI~! Sadly just on commentary. They are fighting around the foreign commentators area, where about 50 commentators are there lol.
Miz hits Shane with the worlds smallest TV monitor . Like a 3 inch flat screen or something . But it nearly kills Shane as he falls over the railing, bounces off the roof of a golf cart and crashes to the concrete floor . I have no idea if he was supposed to fall off the roof of the cart or not . Shane still kicks out so I guess it doesn’t matter .
SKULL CRUSHING FINALE ON WOOD and Shane still kicks out . He’s like a 50 year old businessman and can take more of a beating than BROCK FUCKING LESNAR could in the opener .
Shane is somehow making a comeback after that too .
SHANE BUMP OFF A HIGH THING~!
Miz superplexed him off a camera stand thingy and they both landed on the world’s softest staging area. Shane lands on top of Miz and the referee makes the count. SHANE WINS .
Well, this was entertaining. Thank FUCK. Because until now this was looking to be the single worst WrestleMania EVER. Now it has a fighting chance of only being the 2nd worst 
.
Rating: ***
CAL SCALE: 2
Bayley & Sasha Banks Vs Nia Jax & Tamina Vs The IIconics Vs Natalya & Beth Phoenix – WWE Women’s Tag Team Championship Match
Tamina is still employed. Just wanted to mention that.
Natalya is still employed. Also just wanted to mention that.
Bret Hart comes out with Beth and Natalya. And just stands at the top of the ramp. Well, thanks for that. Bret stealing Lacy Evans’ gimmick.
Tamina kills everyone on the apron, leading to a big brawl with everyone. Nia gets smashed into the ring steps and Tamina gets thrown into the ring post. That’ll give us some time without them. Yey!
THAT STRENGTH! THAT WAS IMPRESSIVE! Says Renee Young as two women manage to pick up Sasha Banks.
Natalya tries to get the crowd to chant for Beth. About 3 people do. For like 10 seconds.
Beth sets up… whoever is in the ring with her for the HART ATTACK, and at Natalya running in the ring. Her legs were moving fast but she was running in slow motion .
Oh hey Tamina and Nia are back. They have been out of the ENTIRE MATCH so far except the like 30 seconds at the beginning . They end up doing… pretty much nothing . BACK TO THE FLOOR FOR YOU.
Worst frog splash I’ve seen from Sasha. Eddie would be ashamed.
This match is still going. Huh.
Natalya hits a powerbomb on Sasha and apparently it hurt her just as much .
GLAM SLAM FROM THE TOP. It almost looked like Tamina was supposed to prevent it as she shows up on the apron and then just… falls over .
IICONICS STEAL THE WIN~! New WWE Women’s HISTORIC HISTORY MAKING Tag Team Champions.
Garbage match.
Rating: 1/4*
CAL SCALE: 0
OMG HELICOPTERS FLEW OVER THE ARENA DURING THE PRE-SHOW!!!
Daniel Bryan Vs Kofi Kingston – WWE Championship Match
KofiMania, huh? He’s been around for 11 years and still manages to be as shit as he was when he first started. BUT HE DESERVES A TITLE SHOT COS THINGS.
OMG KOFI HIT A DROPKICK GIVE HIM THE TITLE!!!
3 hours left of this show. Help me, Jebus!
Most of Kofi’s offence involves him jumping. He’s been doing it in WWE for 11 years. And he still can’t do it properly . Kofi jumps and crashes gut first into the announce table . That’s what he deserves 
.
With a target on Kofi’s gut, Bryan gets to be DELICIOUSLY VICIOUS. Bryan trying to maul an opponent is the best Bryan.
Sadly there is less mauling and more sitting in a hold.
Bryan countering a jumpy move from Kofi right into a Boston Crap .
Bunch of roll ups and counters.
Bryan sitting in the corner and smirking like a cunt as he does his YES pointing knowing full well the crowd fucking hate him is .
LaBell Lock! Bah, rope break. Stoopid rope breaks.
Kofi builds some momentum, but is unable to put away the champ. Some FIGHTING on the outside as Rowan and The New Day go at it and Rowan is taken out.
Back in the ring and Bryan smashes Kofi in the face with the knee . 1..2.. kick out. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. BOO THIS MAN!
LaBell Lock again . PASS OUT KOFI!!! PASS OUT! YOU CAN DO IT! PASS OUT!!! LET YOUR DREAM DIE HERE TONIGHT!!!
Kofi keeps trying to escape, but Brayn keeps hold of the arm and its a battle of wills .
Kofi with those STOMPS TO THE HEAD that Bryan is known for. Stealing other people’s moves like that. FOR SHAME!
Trouble in Paradise and Kofi wins. And the WWE Title might as well be flushed down the toilet. What’s next? Curt Hawkins gonna win it?
Decent match, nothing more. Obviously I hate the finish .
Rating: **1/2
CAL SCALE: 1
Kofi is presented with the non-environmentally friendly WWE Title belt. They made it out like this was the gift Big E had for him for when he won. Except the title belt was always there on the stand under the black cloth, and Big E’s present was in a big box.
Oh wait, the box is here! There IS a present! Its a terrible new t-shirt design! So terrible one of Kofi’s kids throws it into the crowd .
SNL guys backstage. Just what we needed to see. HALL AND NASH ARE THEIR DOCTORS . Nash wants to give them a prostate exam.
As if the commentary hasn’t been awful enough already, Booker T comes out. Shouldn’t they have at least had him out for Kofi’s title win? No? Ok then.
Rey Mysterio Vs Samoa Joe – WWE United States Championship Match
What the FUCK is Mysterio wearing?
Joe finally gets a WrestleMania match and he’s walking in as a champion. Good for him .
Mysterio is coming into this WM with an ankle injury.
619 a minute into the match.
COQUINA CLUTCH~! Samoa Joe wins in about 2 minutes! Good win for Joe but pointless match for fans . Hopefully Mysterio’s ankle isn’t the reason for it being so short, and that he’s ok.
Rating: 1/4*
CAL SCALE: 0
Roman Reigns Vs Drew McIntyre
Roman beat Cancer… but can he beat a Scotsman?!?!?!
Drew gets a big grand entrance with his theme music played live. Roman gets an entrance. And pyro. Lots of pyro. Yey?
Lots of SLAPS from Roman early on. I guess he doesn’t punch? Headbutt from Drew gets him in control, and even though you can clearly see it wasn’t a real headbutt, the sound they made was kinda awesome lol.
Cole going crazy got Drew threw Roman across the ring is hilarious cos McIntyre is bigger than Roman anyway . Cole buying into the BIG DOG persona. If he calls himself BIG then he must be!
Drew giving Roman some advice on drugs. YOU SHOULD HAVE SAID NO. Drugs are bad, m’kay?
Roman must really like drugs cos he soon makes a comeback! COCAINE REIGNS!
Spear. Win. Whatever.
Nothing outright wrong with this one, but it feels like it would have been better suited as a random Raw match.
Rating: **
CAL SCALE: 0.5
Oh joy. Elias. He plays drums now? Oh. He plays everything. He’s a one man band. I’m a one man bored.
BREAKING NEWS. From like 80 years ago. Babe Ruth calling a home run. Somehow that leads to John Cena coming out as his THUGANOMICS character. Because… reasons.
I wonder if in kayfabe, Cena photoshops his own images. These are questions I have when I’m bored and wondering why my time is being wasted. I guess its cool and all for Cena to show up and rap, but like… WHY? What purpose does it serve? How does it help Elias? Is there going to be any kind of follow up? I’d bet on no.
Triple H Vs Batista – No Hold Barred Match – HHH’s Career on the Line
HBK is on commentary. Odds of him getting involved? Fairly good, I’d say.
Batista’s entrance . Trips on his way into the ring . For a second I swear it looked like he tore his quad .
Wow, HHH’s parents are at ringside. Have they ever been shown on camera at a show before?
HHH manages to up the LAME with his entrance . Looks like Pixar went dark for the next Cars film . Then the real car comes out and fuck me it looks so low budget . This might be worse than the terminator suit thing he wore .
WrestleMania 35: If Hollywood Had No Budget!
Is that the Zombie from WWECW driving?
Welp, doesn’t take long for HHH to bring out a chain. This ain’t gonna be no wrestling match. Which is a good thing cos WrestleMania is NOT the place for wrestling, as we’ve seen so far tonight.
Is HHH trying to chop off Batista’s fingers?
NEEDLE NOSE PLYERS. Bet HHH wishes he had a needle nose, instead of the mammoth nose he got stck with .
He pulls out Batista’s nose ring! HHH obviously been watching Orton Vs Jeff Hardy HIAC.
Cole with more quality commentary. HHH PULLED A NOSE RING OUT OF BATISTA’S NOSE. So… not his arse? Thanks for clarifying where a NOSE ring comes from.
BACK SUPLEX ON A TABLE~!
BACK SUPLEX ON A TABLE~!
Weird Torture Rack Slam type move ON A TABLE~!
HBK calling WWE “the WWA”. Seems nobody can be good on commentary tonight!
CELTIC CROSS~! I miss Finlay 
.
HHH laying across the steps on top of the table looks like a scene out of Oz. Half expecting Shillinger to show up and… well… you know .
HHH with a back body drop and nearly kills himself falling over .
SPEAR THROUGH DA TABLE. Except it was HHH doing it!
ITS TIME. ITS TIME. ITS… SLEDGY THE SLEDGEHAMMER TIME!!!
SLEDGY HAS A FRIEND! I SHALL CALL HIM… SLEDGY II.
SPEAR BY BATISTA~!
SPINEBUSTER~!
Batista setting up a Powerbomb and HHH has Sledgy but can’t hit him with it before the Powerbomb! Nice callback to their HIAC but Batista didn’t get the win this time!
Ok, food break. Really fancied some chicken pies. Then I remembered the Iceland delivery didn’t deliver any chicken pies, so we have no chicken pies. Just steak pies. Had fish burgers instead.
POWERBOMB ONTO THE STEEL STEPS~! BY HHH~!
PEDIGREE~!
BATISTA KICKS OUT~!
If the Pedigree don’t work, SLEDGY will! Maybe. Poor SLEDGY II is still on the floor outside. Destined to be forgotten?
HHH with an RVD DDT bump LOL.
Batista has SLEDGY!!! BUT LUCKILY RIC FLAIR IS BACK AND HANDS HHH SLEDGY II!!! YES! SLEDGY II ABOUT TO GET HIS WRESTLEMANIA MOMENT!!!
LETS GO SLEDGY II!!! RIGHT INTO BATISTA’S FACE! PEDIGREE!
HHH wins. Yey? No. Not yey. It means his career continues. Urgh.
BUT in saying that, this wasn’t that bad. I mean, it wasn’t that good either. But who the fuck could have predicted that HHH Vs Batista in 2019 WOULDN’T be the worst match on the show?
Rating: **
CAL SCALE: 0.5
Alexa Bliss shilling t-shirts. Because… WM host. Ron Simmons shows up.
JIBBLE!!! Oh, he’s just commentating. Bah. Was hoping he was gonna have a match.
We do know. That it will be the last night. For this next man competing. COLE ROBOT FTW.
Kurt Angle Vs Baron Corbin – Kurt Angle’s Retirement Match
Really wishing that JBL was having a match now instead of this lol. Fuck me, Angle looks like he can barely raise his arms for his entrance. Never mind have a match with a walking dumpster like Baron Corbin.
Angle hit a belly to belly overhead and it was ALL Corbin . Angle couldn’t even hold onto him for the full flip . At least he can hold on when he does the German suplexes.
Has Angle shrunk btw? He looks like he’s been squashed. Would explain his gut, anyway .
Deep 6 and Angle kicks out and the fans don’t even react . Nobody believes Corbin is winning. Not because Angle is so great that he can still believably win such a match, but because Corbin is so fucking shite .
Angle Slam and… kick out. JUST END THE MATCH ALREADY. Its only been a couple of minutes but fuck, its already shite.
Corbin mocking Cena, the guy almost everyone wanted Kurt to face in his final match, including Kurt .
More German suplexes and… OH SHIT ANGLE IS GOING FOR A MOONSAULT .
It looks good, but it misses. Corbin hits one of his moves he does and gets the win to a reaction that is almost non existent!
At least the match is over.
Rating: DUD
CAL SCALE: 0
Angle wants to hear that he sucks one last time. At least he admits it .
Almost an entire hour left of this show. What else is there aside from the main event? Like… how many matches have I forgotten about? Please tell me I’m forgetting about multiple matches. PLEASE.
Bobby Lashley Vs Finn Balor – WWE Intercontinental Championship Match
Oh yeah. I forgot about this match. Wish WWE did too.
Balor is wearing paint on his face. Which somehow means he’s scary and almost unbeatable now. Because that’s how things work. I bet that’s how Avengers Endgame ends. Captain America puts on some facepaint and beats the shit out of Thanos.
Also hilarious that Balor decides he needs THE DEMON to beat Lashley for the IC title, but didn’t bother when it came to BROCK LESNAR AND THE UNIVERSAL CHAMPIONSHIP. WWE Logic! Balor’s demon get up just makes me laugh. It looks so fucking stupid. Like, HHH WM entrance stupid.
Ummm… why does Lashley have yellow eyes? Is he a demon too?
He must be because he’s taking the fight to Demon Balor right now. Took some shots in the first minute but he’s back on top now. DEMON BOBBY. Actually, Demon Bobby sounds like something else entirely. DEMON BOABY.
SPEAR. Kinda bored of seeing Spears now.
POWERBOMB TO LASHLEY.
COO DE GRASS.
Balor wins.
Thoughts on the match… uhhh… Balor won? That’s a thought?
Rating: 1/4*
CAL SCALE: 0
Alexa Bliss is back. Bet she has something important to say. Wait, no I don’t. Phew, glad I took back that bet. She’s here to announce how many poor bastards paid to be at WrestleMania 35. Well, probably 15,000 less people than they announced actually paid, and the rest are comps, staff and the wrestlers themselves.
Now she’s screaming BREAK and… R-Truth and Carmella show up. The only thing breaking is my spirit.
Ronda Rousey Vs Becky Lynch Vs Charlotte Flair – WWE Raw & Smackdown Women’s Championship Winner Take All Match
Main event time! YES! THE LAST MATCH! IT ENDS AFTER THIS! THANK YOU JEBUS. Wait, no. FUCK YOU, JEBUS. The show should have ended like 4 hours ago. Instead you kept it going and I had to sit through all the utter shite.
Oh boy. Still 35 minutes left of the show. Lets see… 10 minutes for entrances. That leaves us with 25 minutes. Maybe some lame WOMEN’S REVOLUTION celebration at the end. 5 minutes there? So 20 minutes for the match. Still sounds like too much for my liking lol. But honestly if any match on this show has the potential to be genuinely great it probably is this one. DON’T YOU DARE DISAPPOINT ME.
Charlotte Flair arriving in a Helicopter, just like her Daddy all those years ago at… uhhh… Great American Bash? I don’t think it was a Starrcade… or was it? GAB comes to my mind first, so amma stick with that. If I’m wrong I’ll just blame this shitshow of a WM on melting my brain to the point where I can’t even remember the good shit that happened in wrestling 30 years ago.
Charlotte does a wink as she walks into the stadium and… wow, its like something out of a comedy show where someone tries to be sexy and somehow ends up looking like the most hideous thing ever .
JOAN JETT AND THE BLACKHEARTS . She remembers the words to the song and everything! And doesn’t sound terrible! Woo! A good WM live performance! Shame she’s singing one of my least favourite songs of hers (Cherry Bomb is bottom of the pile, this is just slightly above that). Can we just have a Joan Jett concert now instead?
Huh, both champs making their entrances BEFORE Becky. Suppose it only makes sense to have the popular one come out last. Wonder if she even gets any kind of special entrance though.
Nope. No special entrance. Hopefully because its because she gets a big CELEBRATION at the end when she wins!
Is that title podium thingy that had the WWE Title sat on it earlier got another title on it? As in… a UNIFIED women’s title? Maybe I’m just seeing things. That happens from time to time. Like the time I saw Steve Austin Vs The Undertaker at Backlash 2002 and I saw a fantastic match but everyone else saw a shit one. FUCK YOU.
Rousey is KILLING Becky and Charlotte from the get go! She’s acting like the female Lesnar, until she gets slammed into the ring post and then the barricade. That leaves us with Becky Vs the women nobody actually wanted in this match!
They tease using each other’s submission holds, and then Ronda shows back up to hand out some more pain! They tease a double powerbomb over the ropes, but Ronda locks in the ARM BAR to Charlotte while handing upside down! Beck lands a baseball slide and Ronda takes a nasty bump to the floor, basically like she could have if they landed the powerbomb!
Charlotte pulls down her knee pad and… lands knee pad first into Becky anyway .
MOONSAULT INTO A DISARMER~!
That once again brings Ronda back and she locks in an armbar of her own, only to get smashed in the face with Charlotte’s exposed knee. Wow, is that the first time ever someone has taken down a knee pad, gone for a knee shot and ACTUALLY HIT IT WITH AN EXPOSED KNEE?
YOU CHOP LIKE A BITCH~!
Ronda runs at Charlotte to lock in the armbar in that fancy way she likes to do it, but instead she just kinda smashes into Charlotte and falls to the floor .
BECKY HAS MORE SPUNK THAN CHARLOTTE. Well, she IS more attractive .
SUPER BECKSPLODER~!
DOUBLE ARM BAR~!
Becky and Charlotte pick her up and hit a powerbomb, but Ronda won’t let go! They do it again and it still doesn’t work! Third time IS the charm though!
DISARMER TO RONDA~!
Bah, another stoopid rope break. I hate those.
C4~! I think that’s what its called anyway. PIRATE PAUL BURCHILL used to do it. Cole calls it a Spanish Fly. Fuck him.
Ummm… what happened to Ronda’s leg? Looks like she got bit by a dog.
FIGURE 8~!
TOP ROPE LEG DROP TO BREAK IT UP~!
CHARLOTTE’S ELBOW IS BLEEDING~!
Table time!
Charlotte is struggling to walk cos one of her legs hurts… so she decides to go to the top rope! Someone has been watching too many Seth matches.
RONDA DON’T NEED NO TABLE!
Double Spear. Is the Spear the new Superkick?
5 minutes left. Guess there isn’t going to be a long celebration by anyone lol.
Charlotte sets the table up in the corner and ends up taking a bump INTO it because it doesn’t break. I look forward to seeing it in BOTCHAMANIA. I AM THE TABLE.
PIPER’S PIT COUNTERED INTO A PIN~! Ronda’s shoulders clearly lift off the mat after a 1 count but fuck it, the referee counts anyway!
BECKY WINS! BECKY WINS! BECKY WINS!
Match of the Night? Yes. Good match? Yes. Great? Nah. Suffers from TRIPLE THREATITIS, along with a few botches and a bit of a shitty finish, which prevents it from being better than it potentially could have been. Still an enjoyable main event and absolutely worthy of main eventing over everything else on this show.
Rating: ***1/4
CAL SCALE: 2
7 and a half hours with the pre-show. 7 and a half hours of almost entirely shit matches. But it JUST pulls ahead of WM 34, so that’s something, I guess. 9th worst WM ever though. I never want to see this show ever again either.
Overall CAL SCALE: 6
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