WrestleMania 34
Time for another WrestleMania. I’ve seen little of the current product, and what I have seen has been… boring. Boring WM build, boring card on paper (for me, duh)… just boring. If I can get some enjoyment out of this show I’ll be happy. It’s all I’m asking for.
Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal
JR and King are commentating this one… with Byron Saxton 
.
I watched a battle royal from Smackdown 2003 a couple of days ago and it was pretty fantastic. I’m not expecting this one to match it, but again, if I can get some FUN out of it I’ll be good.
Oh hey, Kane is in it. No Big Show, surprised at that.
Aiden English is the first to be eliminated, and the fans boo. I guess they like him now? Oh, wait, he hangs with RUSEV, doesn’t he? I member now 
. Explains why the fans would like him lol.
Someone gets eliminated and I have no idea who it is… and neither do the commentators . Must be a HUGE star…
Did Goldust just dab? Dabdust? Stop it, Dustin. You used to be cool. You won’t be if you keep doing that shit.
JR mocking Rhyno’s FAT . Dude has always been BIG, but yeah, he does seem to have gotten… wider… since I last saw him 
.
Who is the fat guy in the mask? Kalisto? If so, the fuck happened to him? I know he was never Mr 6 Pack, but damn, he’s got a me bod. A Cal Bod. Poor bastard.
Mojo getting a pop out of me by running into Zach (Zack?) and eliminating him during his lame “woo woo woo” thing .
Crews is in this match, didn’t see him before. Oh, he’s eliminated. Well. At least I noticed him .
Borin Corbin eliminates like 6 dudes at once, but we don’t see it cos the camera is too busy focusing on Cena being in the crowd . Oh wait, they show a replay. He just threw Sin Cara (not Kalisto!) over the ropes onto a bunch of people who had already been thrown out. Yawn.
Bah, Goldust is gone. Nobody left in the match worthy of winning. Matt Hardy, I guess. Then again this IS the Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal. Winning it is meaningless.
Down to Corbin, Mojo and Hardy. 2 former winners and someone talented .
“Mojo has no idea how good he could be”. I do though, JR. Not very.
Matt about to be thrown out and then… Bray Wyatt randomly shows up . Good to see he hasn’t changed in the slightest . He gets murdered by Corbin anyway .
Hardy eliminates Corbin and Mojo, and the bell takes like a minute to ring and everyone is confused cos they thought Bray was in . The fat shit showed up in the last 30 seconds. Of course he wasn’t IN THE MATCH, you morons.
Matt and bray hug. I guess they are friends now.
Match was pointless. Nothing to it whatsoever.
Rating: 1/2*
CAL SCALE: 0
Cedric Alexander Vs Mustafa Ali – WWE Cruiserweight Championship Match
Cool to see Nigel McGuinness at WrestleMania. Shame its just on commentary.
I remember Cedric from the CWC tournament. I think I liked him. Or at least his name. CEDRIC. Don’t think I’ve seen Ali before.
Ok, so this match is the finals of a tournament. Both men are friends, it seems. And there is zero heat. So… its basically an exhibition match with a title on the line. Yey. Just what WrestleMania is about.
Why did Ali do a forward roll from the apron through the middle ropes and then hit a face buster? Just get in the ring and hit the fucking move you pleb. I mean jebus, that’s some Kofi Kingston offence right there. RANDOM ROLL~!
“they know each other intimately” I’m leaving that one alone…
Urgh, they just spent like 2 minutes “fighting” each other on the ropes trying to balance each other to set up a big spot.
Wait, is Nikki (Brie? I forget which one Cena is dating lol) not with Cena? Did he just get himself a ticket and not her?
Why are we getting a second picture advertising the Ronda match while a match is still happening?
Things are finally getting a little heated. Which results in both men stomping the other at one point. *slow clap*
They try and do some big emotional finish but it falls flatter than my pickup lines.
Another pointless match. It existed and that was that.
Rating: 1/2*
CAL SCALE: 0
Women’s Battle Royal
Becky, Bayley and Sasha all get their own entrances. Everyone else comes out in a bigh group
Carmella gets attacked by everyone and thrown out. Guess she’s gotta stay fresh so she can cash in later .
Everyone then attacks Dana Brooke and throws her out. Why? I don’t know. Then everyone finally goes after each other.
Oh ffs its the Royal Rumble all over again with half the women on the floor without being eliminated.
Becky is pissed at… uhhh… Devina McKey? I’ve only ever heard her name spoken. once. Here. Anyway. Becky is pissed as her cos she’s wearing orange. Only SHE can be orange. Was that all a dig at Taz?
Someone just used their HAIR like a whip .
Beth Phoenix and Paige are on commentary. Beth chimes in every now and then, while Paige barely says a word, probably crying on the inside because she can’t wrestle any more. Poor lass. Her team got eliminated really early on too so not like she’s there to cheer them on. Almost like they are fucking with her. Wouldn’t put it past WWE tbh.
I *think* Sasha and Bayley are the final two now, but someone could be laying on the outside while not being eliminated yet because that’s what they do in women’s battle royales apparently.
Bayley eliminates Sasha and the crowd pop like she won the match… but it turns out someone WAS on the floor while not being eliminated . Naomi wins .
This was pointless AND bad.
Rating: DUD
CAL SCALE: 0
And so ends the kick off show. I’ll never get that time back.
Seth Rollins Vs Finn Balor Vs The Miz – WWE Intercontinental Championship Match
So this is starting WrestleMania. And I have no alcohol.
Miz sends his job squad to the back. He’s gonna retain his title ON HIS OWN. For his daughter or something.
Balor coming out at WrestleMania without face paint? And his special entrance is… a bunch of people wearing his new t-shirt?
Why does Balor have a quick wank in the corner before charging at his opponents?
Most of this match is about as generic as it gets for a triple threat. And generic + 3 people I don’t give a fuck about = shoot me now.
Slingblade and Enzeguri. Apparently those make up half of Seth and Balor’s moveset.
Seth wins.
So Miz basically says he’s gonna win the match and show his new daughter that he’s a champion. And he loses .
This match did nothing for me.
Rating: 1/2*
CAL SCALE: 0
Charlotte Flair Vs Asuka – WWE Smackdown Women’s Championship Match
“fill her father’s footsteps”
THE HISTORIC HISTORY MAKING FIRST EVER WOMEN’S ROYAL RUMBLE WINNER~!
Askua is undefeated, and Charlotte is Ric Flair’s daughter. From what I can gather, that is the entire build up for this match.
Yes, we get it. John Cena is in the crowd.
What is that thing on the barricade? Looks like a box for an outside power supply or something lol.
Charlotte elbows Asuka in the face. She gets a knee to the face in reply. Ha.
The fuck was that? Asuka is applying a sleeper and is on Charlotte’s back. Charlotte runs towards the corner as if she’s gonna splash her back first into the turnbuckle… then just stops and drops on her arse seemingly at random . It was definitely something planned, but at the same time came across more of her slipping and landing on her arse .
STOP SHOWING JOHN CENA. FFS.
SUPLEX OFF THE APRON TO THE FLOOR~!
Spanish Fly. Again. Saw it earlier in the night. Does everyone just do the same spots? Did it look impressive? Yes. Did we need to see it a second time tonight? Ahhh no. Do something new. Something different. Something fucking SAFER too. Asuka looked like she barely turned over.
Figure 8, and with one arm which is a nice touch!
Wait… did Asuka just tap? SHE DID! The streak is over in New Orleans. Again!
This match was ok. Certainly the best match of the night so far, though that isn’t saying much at all. Wasn’t expecting that finish either, so it fell flat for me. Nice surprise though. I think Asuka was the heavy favourite to win.
And because WOMEN’S REVOLUTION they hug and cry afterwards too.
Rating: **
CAL SCALE: 0.5
A referee runs down while Charlotte is going back up the ramp, tells Cena that Undertaker is here, and Cena bolts to the back . “I’m here as a fan! I’m proud to be here as a fa… OH SHIT UNDERTAKER IS HERE? FUCK THIS SHIT, AMMA SUPERSTAR, I SHOULD BE IN THE RING WRESTLING!!!”
Bobby Roode Vs Rusev Vs Jinder Mahal Vs Randy Orton – WWE United States Championship Match
Wow, what are the odds that WrestleMania would fall on RUSEV DAY?
I every time they remind us that Jinder is a former WWE Champion.
FUNAKI!!! Just commentating for Japan. Wish he was in this match instead. MAKE IT A 5 WAY DAMMIT.
I wasn’t looking forward to this match to begin with, but after seeing the dreadful 3 way earlier, I’m even less thrilled for this. I think I hate non tag team multi-man matches now.
Roode with the least amount of effort ever to throw Orton out of the ring .
Seriously, what IS that thing on the barricade? Also, back suplex on the barricade 
. Probably the last good thing Orton still does.
RKO-FEST~!
Orton tried to get the fans to wake up, and they barely responded. Rusev simply stands in the middle of the ring and the crowd go insane chanting RUSEV DAY .
Jinder hits his finisher on RUSEV and wins . Fuck me, WWE. Your booking decisions are awful .
Another match, another whole lot of nothing.
Rating: 1/2*
CAL SCALE: 0
Kurt Angle & Ronda Rousey Vs Triple H & Stephanie McMahon
Wow, this is on pretty early in the show.
Why does Ronda sound like she’s gonna cry every time she speaks?
Oh look, the massive 3 wheel bike is bike, and Stephanie has one too!
Sorry guys, but a bike with THREE WHEELS does not make you look bad ass. Makes it look like you can’t ride .
Cole busting his nut over it . “Now THAT’S a WrestleMania Entrance!!!”
Triple H’s 22nd WrestleMania. The bastard has been boring us for that long?
Stephanie’s FIRST WrestleMania match. Hopefully her last.
Ok, guess we have to put up with some HHH Vs Angle stuff for a while before they finally give us Ronda/Stephanie.
That sneak attack hair pull .
Kurt Angle’s punches .
Oh man, this is sad. The match has JUST started and Angle already looks really bad. It looks like he hurts just standing, never mind doing anything remotely athletic.
Every time Angle throws a punch I burst out laughing. Then he takes a bump and I cringe. MAKE IT STOP.
HHH nearly decks Stephanie in the face and Stephanie almost has a heart attack .
HOT TAG~!
What was that .
Stephanie blocking RONDA trying to use an armbar
HHH has been DEAD on the floor for 5 minutes just from taking a tumble over the ropes .
HHH pulls RONDA out of the ring. And Angle reappears from… where ever the fuck he went . And then gets murdered by HHH and vanishes somewhere under the Spanish announce table .
RONDA GONNA KILL HHH~!
The rules of the match though state that only men can hit the men and only women can hit the women. But HHH is a real man and tells the referee to let it happen! And Ronda almost beats HHH .
FACE FIRST INTO THE POST~! RONDA IS DEAD~!
ANGLE IS ALIVE~! Overhead belly to belly suplexes to HHH .
ANGLE SLAM~!
KICK OUT~!
For a second there I thought they were gonna end the match without Ronda involved in the decision.
Stephanie tries to attack Angle . Though in his condition, Stephanie probably could beat him up .
PEDIGREE~!
Oh man, if that ended the match I would have so fucking hard.
WHAT THE FUCK? HHH sets up a Pedigree on Ronda… then for some reason he goes for a powerbomb instead so she can counter it .
ARM BAR TO HHH~!
ARM BAR TO STEPHANIE~!
ANKLE LOCK TO HHH~!
HHH counters the Ankle Lock and sends Angle smashing into Ronda!!!
Angle is dead again.
Ronda is dead too.
DOUBLE PEDIGREE TIME~!
Angle counters, as does Ronda, and ARM BAR is back! This match has more ARM BARS than Jericho’s 1004 move list!
STEPHANIE TAPS~!
Well fuck me sideways and call me Flunkytooblit! This match was a ton of FUN. Angle might have looked AWFUL, but they really took us on a rollercoaster ride here. A few times I thought the match was gonna end and it didn’t, and I even thought on a couple of occasions that they were gonna beat Angle. Well done WWE, you have managed to entertain me. FOUR HOURS INTO WRESTLEMANIA.
Rating: ***
CAL SCALE: 2
The New Day Vs The Usos Vs The Bludgeon Brothers – WWE Smackdown Tag Team Championship Match
Pancakes. Unicorns. Rainbows. Midgets.
MIDGET PANCAKE WORMS.
Starting to wonder if there was something in that chicken I just ate. LSD, perhaps.
TROUBLE IN PARADISE~! Sadly the match doesn’t end in 10 seconds.
Harper and Rowan are DESTROYING The New Day. Woods gets a powerbomb into the ring post .
Did everyone go home? Because the crowd is SILENT.
Match is kind of a mess. Harper and Rowan are mauling everyone, but every so often one of the teams will try and take out the Hammer Bros, then the match resets and Harper and Rowan are back to murdering people. All the while the crowd don’t give a shit.
Top rope sitout powerbomb and we gots ourself some new tag team champions. Didn’t feel like it belonged on a WM card. More like this should have happened months ago and WM was all about some plucky team trying to take out the destroyers and shit. But what do I know about booking wrestling?
Just a weird match all around.
Rating: *
CAL SCALE: 0
John Cena has returned! Not as a fan now though, because the moment he heard Taker was here, being a fan was suddenly beneath him .
Wait, why is this being announced as a match? What match? Did Taker say yes? Did someone make the match? What the fook is happening?
Here comes another referee to tell Cena something. Probably that Taker told him to feck off. Cena leaves again… but OMG THE LIGHTS HAVE GONE OUT!!! HE’S HERE!!!
Oh wait its Elias . Elias talks and sings, and then Cena beats him up. Whatever.
Cena goes to leave, and the lights go out again. Undertaker’s gear appears in the ring just how it was left last year… then gets struck by lightning!!!
HE’S HERE!!! THE MOTHERFUCKING DEADMAN IS HERE!!!
John Cena Vs The Undertaker
ITS HAPPENING!!!
PUNCHES~!
OLD SCHOOL~!
SNAKE EYES~!
BIG BOO… UHHH… SURE WHY NOT, BIG BOOT~! TOTALLY HIT CENA~!
SIT UP~!
CHOKESLAM~!
TOMBSTONE~!
CENA SQUASHED AT WRESTLEMANIA~!
Well. This was… a cool moment. Undertaker back at WM, beating Cena in a squash. It was a cool UNDERTAKER moment. Nothing more, nothing less. Probably the best Undertaker could do tbh. As a massive Taker mark, I enjoyed it . It didn’t need to happen, but it did, so everyone shut up and get over it! Mr WrestleMania can do whatever the fuck he wants!
Rating: **
CAL SCALE: 0.5
Daniel Bryan & Shane McMahon Vs Sami Zayn & Kevin Owens
From one return to another! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES!
Those bastards Owens and Zayn attack Bryan and Shane from behind! I hope they DIE.
POWERBOMB ON THE APRON. Bryan has been taken out 
.
Well, don’t worry wrestling fans, this has just been done to build anticipation to him coming back and murdering everyone . He’ll get stretchered to the back, Shane will work the match on his own and just when it looks like all hope is lost… YES! YES! YES! YES! And it’ll be the biggest fucking thing to happen this year .
Then again I tend to fantasy book wrestling based on logic, what works, and what would be good. WWE have a nasty habit of doing the opposite…
Shane’s punches making that big boot from Undertaker earlier look like the stiffest shot ever .
Owens kicking Shane right in the diverticulitis!
WWE ALMOST get it right… they have a stretcher for Bryan, but they’ve been sat with him at ringside for the entire match and haven’t taken him away . The impact of his return to the match would be soooo much greater if they took him out of sight of the fans.
Shane takes a beating as usual. COAST TO COAST, which is still impressive he can hit that at his age.
Bryan makes the save on a pin attempt! And the moment barely got a reaction. FFS WWE, can you do ANYTHING right? We can only hope the hot tag is HOT.
Fuck me that was the worst hot tag I have ever seen. Thank fuck the crowd are alive when he actually starts hitting people.
Seeing Bryan again was a joy to watch for sure here, and of course he gets the big WM win with his running knee and Yes Lock . Just a shame his return was part of this match, but he made the best of a bad situation.
Oh hey John, Bryan got Brie a front row ticket.
Rating: **
CAL SCALE: 0.5
Alexa Bliss Vs Nia Jax – WWE Raw Women’s Championship Match
Mickie James is here to help out her good buddy Alexa. So Nia obliterates Mickie before the match! Guess Miss Bliss will need to battle Nia alone!
That double scream spot .
Bliss constantly stabbing Nia in the eye .
Aside from that though, this match is DULL.
SOUPA SAMOAN DROP~!
We have a NEW WWE Raw Women’s Champion!
Yeah, dull.
Rating: 1/2*
CAL SCALE: 0
AJ Styles Vs Shinsuke Nakamura – WWE Championship Match
Does Nakamura’s theme translate to every musical instrument ever lol? Next year they’ll be playing him to the ring using a Kazoo and triangle and it’ll still sound amazing.
Hmmm… that isn’t quite right, WWE .
Time to watch a “dream match”. Man, dream matches have gone downhill over the years .
Match is weird. They are acting like they’ve been having a 30 minute epic… but they’ve only been going for like 10 minutes and its been pretty shitty. Honestly feels like they can’t be arsed.
Phenomenal Forearm kickout. I’ve been more invested in a scoop slam kickout.
Knee to the face is countered nicely into a Styles Clash, and fuck me, AJ gets the win with it!
Another RR winner lost tonight!
So this was a whole lot of nothing. Sick of me saying that? Well blame WWE and the wrestlers for having some of the most pointless, nothing filled matches ever.
OMG!!! NAKAMURA IS PROPOSING TO AJ!!! LOOK THAT THAT RING… UHHH… BELT! SAY YES, AJ!!!
OH NO! AJ Must have said no, so Nakamura blasts him in the balls!
Rating: *
CAL SCALE: 0
Sheamus & Cesaro Vs Braun Strowman & Nicholas – WWE Raw Tag Team Championship Match
THE BAR coming out on a celebration float thingy all happy. Pretty soon they’re gonna be mauled by Braun. And his partner. Whoever the fuck it ends up being. Please don’t be someone sucky.
everyone on the float is running away in terror from BRAUN .
And how for Braun’s partner… but not before he pushes the float off the stage .
Ok, partner time. Who is it, Braun?
Its…
Its…
A fan? Braun gonna pick a dude out of the crowd!!!
Some dude following Braun wanting to be his partner .
Braun picks a kid .
Nicholas and Braun gonna win the tag titles!
Braun throws the champs around, but the numbers game catches up to him as Nicholas stands on the apron being useless. Pfft.
FLYING BEAR~! I miss Mike Knox.
Braun makes the hot tag to Nicholas!!! Nicholas Vs Cesaro, the real dream match!!!
Bah, that coward tags Braun back in.
POWERSLAM~!
BRAUN AND NICHOLAS ARE THE NEW RAW TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS!!!
So is Nicholas some make a wish kid? Still better than Elsworth like some people were wanting.
Fun, but eh, seems like a bit of a waste for WM.
Rating: *1/2
CAL SCALE: 0
Brock Lesnar Vs Roman Reigns – Universal Championship Match
Main event time! FINALLY!!! And I’m looking forward to this! I rewatched their previous WM match the other day and it still holds up as being fantastic, until Seth shows up to ruin it. No cash in tonight though! Sure, Roman is like, 99.99999999999999999999999999999% walking out with the title, but I don’t care. Just give me a great match like before with a non Seth Rollins finish and I’ll be good .
4 years ago, right here in this arena, Brock Lesnar ended The Undertaker’s WM streak. 4 years later, and we have the only 2 men to ever beat The Undertaker at WrestleMania going one on one for the Universal Championship!
Is this truly Brock’s last match? Is he 100% going back to UFC? Odds are we won’t find out until after this show. But I’ll be sad if he goes. I still like Brock. I still like “suplex city” matches (for the most part). I’d rather watch a 3 minute suplex city match than re-watch most of this PPV.
“I don’t even like Times New Roman” GOAT sign.
Bell rings and here we go!
SUPLEX~!
SUPLEX~!
SUPLEX~!
SUPERMAN PUNCH~!
SUPERMAN PUNCH~!
SUPERMAN PUNCH~!
OVERHEAD BELLY TO BELLY~! Brock needs to do that more. And he does another as I type that .
Brock looks like he was going for an overhead belly to belly… but Roman didn’t flip over and instead went face first into an announce table .
Fuck yes, brock is using the overhead belly to belly instead of German’s .
Fook me, Reigns just charges at Brock and hits a sort of double leg spear hybrid right onto a table! Think it even fucks with Michael Cole’s mic and makes it broadcast to the arena .
SPEAR~!
SPEAR~!
BROCK KICKS OUT~!
KNEE TO THE FUCKING FACE~! That’s what you get for trying to spear Brock 3 times in a row!
Brock doesn’t seem to have turned as purple as he usually does. Impressive .
F-Motherfucking-5. And a kickout of course. Haven’t they spent like the last year making sure nobody kicks out of the F-5 so it can be a BIG DEAL for Roman here? Well the kickout fell flat and the announcers barely gave a shit too . Even a second F-5 kickout does nothing .
A third F-5!!! That beat THE UNDERTAKER 4 years ago, but not Roman! And still, it barely gets a reaction. Probably because everyone is expecting Roman to win.
F-5 through the table!!! I can’t wait for him to kick out of that!
A 5th F-5, and again Roman kicks out. The fans boo. JUST DIE, ROMAN!
The gloves are off!
PUNCHES TO THE FACE~!
“this is awful” chant .
Fuck me Roman is GUSHING with blood. And somehow manages to recover and hit 2 spears out of nowhere .
Roman runs the ropes for a massive spear just like he did on Undertaker… and runs right into another F-5.
OH SHIT ITS OVER!!! LESNAR WINS!!! LESNAR WINS!!! ROMAN LOSES!!! I DID NOT SEE THAT COMING!!! I guess Brock ain’t going nowhere any time soon!!!
Definitely nowhere near as good as their WM 31 match, but I still got plenty of enjoyment out of this. Especially compared to most of the card up to this point lol. Roman losing was shocking as hell.
Rating: ***
CAL SCALE: 2
So that was WrestleMania. Overall it sucked donkey shite. Don’t see myself sitting through any of this again in the next 5 years or so lol.
Overall CAL SCALE: 5.5
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