Royal Rumble 2019
Its that time of year again. The time where I actually sit through a full show! Well, most of a full show. Might be some shite I skip, I dunno yet. I don’t remember the card. I looked it up yesterday but my brain didn’t take it all in.
Bobby Roode & Chad Gable Vs Rezar & Scott Dawson
Don’t always watch the pre-show, seems I missed it out entirely last year, but ah, fuck it, I’ll give it a go today.
Huh, Roode and Gable are champs. Legit had no idea they were title holders 
.
AoP… are only half here. Other one is injured. So now we have half AoP Vs Half Revival. And no tag titles on the line. Might have been interesting to see 2 members of different tag teams win the belts together. But that might involve creative being, ya know, creative. And we know that just isn’t possible.
Roode and Gable starting out strong, which makes sense because they are an actual tag team, unlike their opponents who have been thrown together tonight.
Gabe in the ring with Dawson. Ahhh, fond memories of Revival Vs American Alpha in NXT. I miss those times. Then both teams made it to the main roster and OMG WHAT A SURPRISE THEY GOT RUINED.
Is the sound dodgy on my version of the pre-show? Or are the audience painted in and not real? Because they are fucking SILENT. DEAD. Which is a shame because this is a decent match so far. Its a basic STF match, but its solid. Its good PRO WRESTLING. But I guess nobody has done a 1023837 splash and kicked out of 10 finishers yet so the crowd can’t possible have any fun 
.
POP for Roode’s hot tag. So the crowd IS actually there.
Some miscommunication by Dawson and Rezar, and that results in their loss. Decent stuff here.
Rating: **
CAL SCALE – 0.5
Rusev Vs Shinsuke Nakamura – WWE United States Championship Match
Last year Nakamura WON THE ROYAL RUMBLE MATCH. This year he isn’t even on the main show . Maybe if he ends up in the Rumble .
Wow, Rusev won the title on his BIRTHDAY? That’s usually the day Vince McMahon likes to embarrass the fuck out of you on TV lol. I guess doing it every other day of the year means its no longer special to do it on birthdays 
.
I’m watching this show the day after I watched 5 TENRYU VS HASHIMOTO matches. Everything after those matches is just gonna be a disappointment lol, especially when strikes are involved. Naka does some kicks and knees and eh, I’d rather be watching HASHIMOTO. Wish he was still with us 
.
Fuck me this is DULL. Tenryu/Hash stuff aside, this is just boring as fuck to watch. Total NOTHING match. And it seems like they are wrestling in slow motion. Even when they run. Rusev even fucking TAPS OUT in the guillotine and the match goes on like nothing happened, but the commentators made sure to mention it .
Lana stuff happens and its awful. YOOOUUUU’RREEEEE CHEEEEEATING.
Nakamura wins.
Rating: 1/2*
CAL SCALE – 0
Kalisto Vs Akira Tozawa Vs Hideo Itami Vs Buddy Murphy – WWE Cruiserweight Championship Match
“Can I just question a man who finds inspiration in a cardboard donkey?” Nigel already the best thing on this show so far. In fact he’s the best wrestler on this pre-show. And he isn’t even wrestling any more . ONE MORE MATCH NIGEL. PLEASE.
Does Itami look FAT to everyone else?
Was Buddy Murphy in some generic tag team previously? His name rings a bell but… he’s not important enough for me to remember full details .
The Pre-Show is sponsored by CRIPSY CRUNCH cereal. And this PPV RAMBLE is sponsored by ANYONE WHO PAYS ME. Which right now I guess is the DWP?
Last match looked like it was done in slow motion. I expect this to be the opposite, but to the EXTREME. And probably not in a way I would like. We’ll see 
.
Itami doing what’s best for fans, and is on the outside avoiding any contact. The less he wrestles the better.
A nice spot! I haven’t see that done before, and it didn’t look lame as fuck with the set up like a lot of them typically do. I THOUGHT it was gonna be terrible when it looked like it was gonna be a powerbomb/suplex combo thingy, but instead we got Tozawa flying through the ropes and in between Itami’s legs for a suicide dive into Kalito who countered the powerbomb into a head scissors.
Why does Tozawa scream like a little girl when he hits moves?
FUCKING HELL. Kalisto tried to head scissor Murphy as Murphy was leaning into the ring through the middle rope… and ended up getting DDT’d. No idea if that was the plan or not, but it looked NASTY as fuck.
How many times is poor Murphy gonna get taken over with a head scissors or a hurricanrana and end up landing on his head?
Fucking hell at that “strike battle”. Sorry guys, but that was awful. I could say that Tenryu and Hashimoto have ruined strike battles for me, and hell that probably IS true, but fucking hell it was awful anyway. The only thing that ruined it was you guys doing it.
Murphy wins with his finisher. Nice to see that happening.
Match was… watchable? Yeah, I’ll go with that. I’ll never sit through it again, nor will I remember it in 10 minutes time, but for now it was perfectly watchable.
Rating: *1/2
CAL SCALE – 0.5
MAIN SHOW TIME~!
Becky Lynch Vs Asuka – WWE Smackdown Women’s Championship Match
This match is opening the show… to give Becky time to recover before entering the RR and winning?
Or maybe Asuka if she loses. After all, she won the rumble last year. SHE COULD DO IT AGAIN THIS YEAR. HONEST.
Could Tim Haber look any more GERMAN? No wonder he’s on commentary for Germany lol. Vince probably saw him and hired him on the spot for his look .
Why don’t they announce the weight of females? They do it for the men, regardless of how FAT they are. WWE IS SEXIST! HOW DARE THEY!
Asuka kicking Becky in the face over and over 
.
BACKSPLODER? Is… is that what they called it? Either way Asuka got suplexed into the barricade.
Asuka with the worst looking “run into the turnbuckle” spot ever .
But she makes up for it with a very nice KNEE TO THE FACE to counter Becky coming off the ropes with a… uhhh… punch?
ARM BAR OUTTA NOWHERE~!
ASUKA LOCK OUTTA DA ARM BAR OUTTA NOWHERE~!
Remember when matches had structure? Those were good times. Here though? Becky hits some moves, then Asuka comes back and hits some moves, then Becky comes back and hits some moves, then Asuka comes back and hits some moves etc etc. No heel control segment, no structure of any kind.
Aaand then we get a… uhhh… move off the apron where both women get driven to the mat. It LOOKED like it was gonna be a fisherman’s suplex, but instead of lifting Becky up and over… Asuka just jumped off the apron and they both landed face first .
HOLY SHIT I just noticed the run time for the show. FIVE HOURS. I only have 4 cans of beer left. This is not enough.
OHHHH, its not BACKSPLODER. Its BECKSPLODER. Which actually makes it sound worse .
Becky gets KICKED IN THE HEAD but somehow bounces right back with a Disarmer. Because selling doesn’t exist.
They spend a couple of minutes trading submissions, and BECKY TAPS OUT. Yep, Rumble for Becky.
Match had some good parts scattered about, but overall lacked any structure and was just awkward to watch.
Rating: *
CAL SCALE – 0
The Bar Vs The Miz & Shane McMahon – WWE Smackdown Tag Team Championship Match
Shane and Miz might be the least interesting tag team of all time on paper for me.
MIZ’S DAD!!! MIZ’S DAD!!! MIZ’S DAD!!! I wish he was in this match instead.
Oh my god Shane beat down The Bar single handedly on SD . Thankfully The Bar came back and mauled him to death.
PRICHARD OWNS MELTZER sign in the crowd .
SPEAR by Shane as soon as the bell rings, and while Sheamus is PISSED about it, it seemed to hurt him to the sum of zero .
Lots of nice TEAM WORK from The Bar, and even Shane shows some team work too as he saves Miz a couple of times.
Shane goes for the elbow through the table spot just minutes into the match but Sheamus gets involved and stops it. Cesaro then destroys Shane with a running European Uppercut then launches him into the barricade.
Miz is left alone and… oh god he’s the FIP here which means SHANE MCMAHON is going to be the HOT TAG .
Neither man is exactly suited to a HOT TAG, but Shane? Really? The near 50 year old man who has maybe had 30 matches in his entire career?
Sheamus taunting Miz’s dad . Miz’s dad probably doesn’t give a shit .
HOT TAG . Here comes SHANE to beat down former multiple World Champion SHEAMUS with the worst punches in the BIZ .
Cesaro makes a blind tag while Sheamus is being set up for the VANDAMINATOR, but Shane manages to BEAT HIM DOWN too with some awful punches and sets Cesaro up for a DOUBLE VANDAMNIATOR. VANTERMINATOR. ONE OF THOSE MOVES.
Cesaro catches him mid COAST TO COAST with a Cesaro Swing .
Shane doesn’t feel any effects from that apparently and locks in a triangle choke . DOES ANYONE REMEMBER SELLING ANY MORE?
DOUBLE WHITE NOISE and Shane KICKS OUT .
Fucking hell, the awful obvious set up for Sheamus to kick Cesaro by mistake when Miz pushes him in the way .
SHOOTING STAR PRESS BY SHANE AND HE AND MIZ WIN THE TAG TITLES .
Wow. Who wrote this shit?
Match was going really well until the hot tag and it all just fell apart from there.
Corey Graves talks about how Miz just wanted his dad to be proud of him but he never was… BUT HE IS NOW HE’S TAG CHAMPION FOR THE MILLIONTH TIME. FUCK WINNING THE WWE TITLE AND MAIN EVENTING WRESTLEMANIA AND BEATING JOHN CENA.
Rating: **
CAL SCALE – 0.5
Sasha Banks Vs Ronda Rousey – WWE Raw Women’s Championship Match
Oh god those “exchanges” in the beginning look so bad .
Thankfully things do pick up afterwards. RONDA PUNCHES THE RING PO… UHHH… THE RING SCREEN?
*sigh* and THE BOSS doesn’t even target the injured hand. Instead she locks in a fucking sleeper. At least Ronda is SELLING the hand.
what even WAS THAT by Sasha? You tried to do the old “grab the arm, bounce up the ropes and come off with an arm drag… but instead she bounces off the ropes and just… lands back on her feet and does something else instead .
Ronda has a move called the PIPER’S PIT?
Oh hey, 5 minutes late but Sasha is doing something with the injured hand.
Well, Piper’s Pit wasn’t as spectacular as I was hoping.
Do the women know any submission holds that aren’t arm related or a type of choke? Because both women’s matches have basically been ARM BARS and CHOKES.
Oh my god is this BAD. But it just keeps going.
Things pick up RIGHT AT THE END with Sasha smashing Ronda’s bad hand while also applying the Banks Statement, and then Ronda wins with the Piper’s Pit.
Urgh.
Rating: 1/4*
CAL SCALE – 0
Braun Strowman replaces Cena in the rumble.
30 Women Royal Rumble Match
RUMBLE TIME. Last year was the first Women’s Rumble, and I enjoyed it for the uniqueness of it and the surprises entrances etc. But it definitely had issues, mainly every women spending half their time in the match laying around on the OUTSIDE of the ring.
Lacey Evans is up first. No idea who she is or why she’s dressed like that .
Natalya is #2. Great way to start the rumble. Someone I’ve never seen or heard of, and someone who is utterly awful.
Wait wait wait… Beth Phoenix is a guest commentator for this match… and she didn’t replace anyone? So we have a FOUR PERSON ANNOUNCE TEAM? Why? 3 is bad enough. I can assure you, WWE, the answer to a better commentary team is NOT ANOTHER MEMBER.
#3 is someone called Mandy. And I know that because her theme song starts by saying MANDY. Mandy Rose is her full name it seems. Huh, she was in last year’s rumble. Odds are I’ll not know who many entrants in this match are only to find out they competed last year .
DOUBLE SHARPSHOOTER. Still looks better than Rock’s 
.
#4 is none other that… Liv Morgan. Pretty sure I’ve seen her before. Think she was in a Botchamania I watched not too long ago. Yes, she was involved in that tables match.
Well… someone I know and remember shows up and gets eliminated immediately. Typical . Its like whenever I like a character in Game of Thrones. Odds are they are gonna get killed 2 eps later.
Just made some chicken dippers, so I’ll be eating them instead of typing a lot.
#5 is… MICKIE JAMES . I liked her in 05/06 .
#6 gets a big pop and its… Ember Moon. The “Shenom” .
Mandy Rose got kicked in the head and looked confused at how to sell it . She ends up just turning around and moving towards the corner .
Billy Kay is out now. Ok. She’s… a person.
She’s waiting for her tag partner to show up before she enters the match. Good statermagy!
Nikki Cross is #8. She attacks Billie Kay on the outside BUT DOESN’T THROW HER INTO THE MATCH. SHE’S UNPREDICTABLE. More like stupid.
Why is Billie Kay in the ring? Wasn’t she waiting for her tag partner? She lasted like 2 minutes.
Oh hey, here comes Peyton Royce, who IS Billie’s partner. SEE BILLIE? IF YOU JUST FUCKING WAITED ANOTHER SODDING MINUTE YOU’D BE FINE.
Peyton Royce sounds like a car. “Test drive the new Peyton Royce now, and you’ll see how a car is supposed to handle. From only £99 a month”.
HERE COMES TAMINA TO BORE US ALL TO DEATH~!
Ate ma dippers.
Washed some dishes too. Ok, back to this match.
Mickie is eliminated .
Xia Li is out at #11. Uhhh… was she in the match last year? MYC according to commentators but no mention of the RR. So amma say no. This is the first time I’ve seen her.
Oh my god . Last year the women were laying around in the floor on the outside of the ring. This year? Laying around in the ring near the ropes. Someone comes in, battles someone one on one, then when that battle happens everyone else starts moving around again .
Sarah Logan is out next. She lasted SIXTEEN MINUTES last year. Which is apparently impressive.
Bye bye Nikki Cross! You were unimpressive and I will forget you come next year’s RR.
Here comes Charlotte! #13 for her. Everyone goes after her and its just a fucking MESS of people trying to get shots in and Charlotte not acknowledging them, followed by people just falling over because Charlotte barely touches them .
Some people have been eliminated. I don’t really care.
Kairi Sane who is a pirate apparently. I miss Paul Burchill.
Tamina is gone and we barely see it happen and the commentators are busy laughing at Kairi Sane running with a telescope because HAHAHAHAHAHA ITS FUNNY OR SOMETHING.
Maria Kanellis! Did she ever learn to work? I haven’t seen her attempt to wrestle since her original WWE run many years ago.
#16 is none other than Naomi. How exciting.
Everyone gets that I was being sarcastic, right?
Because I was.
SHe eliminates Mandy Rose, then Rose tries to eliminate her and Naomi is now the Kofi Kingston of the Women’s Royal Rumble by avoiding elimination in crazy ways.
FUCKING HELL. That was one looong leap from the barricade to the steel steps. Well done!
Mandy Rose shows up and eliminates her anyway . All that and BOOM. Done. Now THAT was good booking.
Lacey Evans is out. No more cleaning for her.
Candice LeRae. She’s from NXT. I know this because the commentators told me. That is everything I know about her.
#18 is still employed by WWE. THINK ABOUT THAT.
Maria and #18 spent like a minute becoming friends. Then Maria tramples on #18’s hat and #18 had a fit. #18 is not an Android or a Cyborg btw. I just… I can’t bring myself around to saying her name because the fact she still has a job is too much for my brain to handle.
Maria is gone.
Kacy Catanzaro comes out at #19. She exists. And this is the first time I have noticed her existence. The crowd give less shits than me, apparently.
Zelina Vega. Her name is known to me. That is all.
This match is fucking HILARIOUS. Seriously, its like one of those old comedies where you have to watch the background to see everything. Any time someone comes in and starts a fight, everyone else in the background are just trying to make it look like they are doing something, but most of the time they really, really aren’t .
Ruby Riott comes down to the ring with her posse and they pull out Charlotte Flair and murder her, then begin to drag out anyone else they can to beat them up. Vega avoids this but ends up under the ring anyway. Would be better if the camera didn’t fucking SHOW IT ALL so in 10 minutes time we could all be like “Where the fuck is Vega? Did she get eliminated?” And then she could surprise everyone by coming out and nearly winning or something. But nope. We saw her go under the ring and we’ve seen her pop her head out at least 3 times now in around 2 minutes. How are they failing at such simple shit?
Dana Brook… Brooke? Bruk? I didn’t catch her name on screen so I don’t know how to spells it. People have been eliminated. Riott Squad keep beating people up and sending them back in so Ruby can throw them out. That’s a neat idea.
Io Shirai.
STOP SHOWING VEGA UNDER THE RING. BETTER YET, WHO KEEPS TELLING HER TO POP HER HEAD OUT EVERY 20 SECONDS? ITS FUCKING STUPID.
Natalya has been in the match since the beginning and has done absolutely nothing noteworthy.
Rhea Ripley. She is the UK NXT women’s champion or something?
Kacy with another Kofi spot, only she survives and makes it back into the ring. Aaand is then eliminated by Ripley after they have a dance.
Sonya Deville, the unknown sister to Phil and Lil, is #25.
HORNSWOGGLE! He’s under the ring with Vega, and apparently that terrifies her so much she gets back in the ring. And she walks right into an elimination.
Was that seriously the payoff to Vega under the ring?
Here comes a little slice of BLISS. Her first match back in a few months or something. She gets a nice pop. She looks fucking tiny next to Charlotte .
Bayley at #27. She gonna hug everyone over the ropes or something. Maybe.
Riott and Rhea both eliminated by Miss Huggington!
Natalya has been glued to that top left corner for about 20 minutes now (position based on looking at the ring from the hard camera). FUCKING DO SOMETHING YOU USELESS FUCK.
Lana hobbles out. She hurt her ankle after getting knocked over in the pre-show. Yawn.
#29 about to come out and EVERYONE WANTS BECKY. It isn’t her. Its Nia “what’s a working punch?” Jax .
She decides to maul Lana on her way to the ring, since Lana didn’t even make it halfway down the ramp.
Jax eliminates Natalya who spent ALMOST AN HOUR in the match doing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. AT ALL.
#30 is Carmella. Ha, no Becky . Gonna be a lot of pissed of people. I will laugh.
Wait… she’s here and wants to replace Lana. FINLEY clearly biased and allows it! I guess I’ll just laugh at the people who hate that she’s in the match.
I just wanna laugh at people .
Ember and Bliss are having a pretty good battle on the apron. Bliss wins it! Moon is out!
She ate a shoe.
Again, everyone not involved in the “main” sequence in the middle of the ring is just sat around doing fuck all.
Bliss is gone!
Carmella and Charlotte spend waaaaay too long fighting each other while everyone else does nothing, and fuck me its all BAD.
Bayley is gone!
Becky, Charlotte and Nia are the final 3.
A slooow boring Nia Vs Charlotte thing, and its down to Charlotte and Becky. Please, just end it quick. I can’t take much more of this.
Oh look, Nia attacks Becky. Becky is hurt. Can someone replace Becky now?
Becky wins.
What a chore to sit through. Not exactly a classic Rumble. I don’t think I’ll ever re-watch this one again.
Rating: *1/2
CAL SCALE – 0.5
I need a break after that. Gonna go make some Butter Chicken curry.
*one hour later* OMG THAT WAS AMAZING. Need to make that again. Mix out of a packet, but lots of prep needed + you still need butter, tomato puree, garlic and ginger paste, milk, water and obviously chicken. So 90% homemade. And 100% bloody delicious. Ok, now onto the rest of the show. Gonna be 9pm when I finish this…
AJ Styles Vs Daniel Bryan – WWE Championship Match
I liked their SD match where Bryan won the title. After that? Their SVS match just kept going on for too long and I got bored. What is it with WWE and having matches go on for too fucking long? Give em 15 minutes and they’ll do something special. Give em 40 minutes and they COULD do something special, but odds are it’ll get boring and nobody will care halfway through.
At least I can have alcohol now, since its after 7pm here. I typically don’t drink any alcohol before 6pm.
FFS more sodding arm work. I mean, Bryan is probably gonna do it well compared to everyone else tonight, but come on, GIVE US SOMETHING DIFFERENT.
AJ’s nose is busted open, so of course Bryan uses it. He pushes his fist into the nose before punching it a few times .
DRAGON SUPLEX~!
AJ ripping AJ’s nose .
Sadly outside of these moments so far, the match has been very by the numbers. AJ hitting moves, Bryan hitting moves, arm work forgotten about…
Doesn’t help that the crowd never made it to the arena. Just got a bunch of zombies sat in the audience waiting to eat brains or something. Might as well be an empty arena match.
Bryan finally goes back to the arm, kicking the hell out of it instead of kicking the chest during the YES KICKS.
MY KNEE HURTS. I KNOW, I’LL CLIMB THE ROPES!!!
Eric Rowan? Uhhh… ok. Was expecting to potentially see him in the RR match later since he’s off the injured list, but here? BEARD BROS WITH BRYAN?
Ref is dead, Styles Clash and SHOCK! Rowan attacks Styles. Bryan wins.
So disappointing when I watch a Bryan match and it sucks. Have these two EVER had a classic match together?
Rating: *1/2
CAL SCALE – 0.5
Finn Balor Vs Brock Lesnar – Universal Championship Match
Lesnar murders a midget time!!!
I like how they don’t announce Balor’s weight . Guess its better to say nothing than to pretend he’s above the 205 live limit .
I still dig HEYMAN on the mic doing intros for Brock. Since I only see him do it like 4 times a year it doesn’t get old.
Brock so confident he grabs the title from the ref and hands it to Paul instead of the time keeper .
BALOR ATTACKING BROCK right as the bell rings! He has Lesnar on the ropes! Aaaand SUPLEX CITY. Sorry Finn!
Lesnar doing Overhead Belly to Belly suplexes instead of just Germans .
Balor smashing Brock into the corner of the announce table! Twice! Brock had a stomach issue like a decade ago so obviously that’ll hurt him more!
Except Brock is a BEAST and is still able to throw Balor around like the crusierweight he is.
MOAR OVERHEAD BELLY TO BELLY SUPLEXES~!
“Finn Balor is a full grown man” No, Corey. No he is not .
Lesnar is still hurting from being smashed into the corners, but any time Balor tries to mount an offence, THE BEAST comes right back and sends him to the mat.
OH SHIT. Brock couldn’t hit a GERMAN SUPLEX 
. His stomach is hurting bad! He tries again and still fails! Well, if he can’t do that, he might as well hit the F-5 and be done with the match!
DDT~! Balor counters with a DDT! THE BEAST is hurt!
3 FLIPPY FLIPPY DIVE SPOTS~!
Balor doesn’t even try to get Lesnar back in the ring. HE COULD HAVE BEEN COUNTED OUT YOU PLEB.
COO DE GRAH onto the injured stomach!
LESNAR KICKS OUT~!
KIMURA~!
BALOR TAPS OUT~!
Well that was fun . Only took THREE AND A HALF HOURS for a match to show up that didn’t suck.
LESNAR GOES AFTER BALOR~! NOW HE CAN HIT THOSE GERMANS! NOBODY LEAVES SUPLEX CITY WITHOUT SOME GERMANS!!!
F-5~!
We hope you enjoyed your visit to SUPLEX CIT .
Rating: ***
CAL SCALE – 2
30 Man Royal Rumble Match
I’m 95% certain the winner of this match is gonna suck. BUT that never effects my rating for the match. Many great rumble matches have had shitty winners, and I HOPE this is another great rumble match.
So who is #1? Urgh. Elias. Hopefully he’s eliminated quickly. So what poor bastard has to try and make him entertaining for around 90 seconds?
HOLY SHIT ITS JEFF FUCKING JARRETT. If we can get THE REAL JESSE JAMES, ROCKABILLY and HONKEY TONK MAN for the next 3 entrants I will give this match FIVE FUCKING STARS.
Man, Jeff is really showing his age here. Its only in the last couple of years he’s actually started to look his age lol.
No song from the two, which is kind of a blessing, and the match is underway! Here comes the GEETAR! 1000 broken guitars and not a single dime drawn! JJ is out!
Urgh, Nakamura. MINUS FIVE STARS.
KURT FREAKIN’ ANGLE and oh man, he looks in pain running down to the ring .
GERMAN SUPLEXES~!
ELIAS FAILING TO GET OVER FOR AN OVERHEAD BELLY TO BELLY~!
Well this isn’t quite BROCK LESNAR SUPLEX CITY .
Angle is already blown up and man, its just sad. Eliminate him quickly so he can go rest for a week.
#5 is BIG E and we get the best photobomber/videobomber ever as some dude dressed as a referee rises up onto the screen .
BIG E showing Angle how OVERHEAD BELLY TO BELLY SUPLEXES are done.
Well, people can say what they want about Big E, myself included, but he’s got the crowd behind him and into this match.
ANGLE SLAM TO BIG E~!
Nakamura eliminates Angle. Its ok though, Angle has to be back at the retirement home soon anyway .
GARGANO is #6. He’s the NXT Middle Earth champion or something. Can’t say I care for him tbh. Seen some of his “big” NXT matches and he’s mostly what I hate about modern wrestling all rolled into one lol.
JINDER MAHAWFUL~! I hope he wins and beats Lesnar just to piss people off .
Oh well, he’s gone. The singing brothers end up in the ring and get thrown out by Elias and Big E. Pancakes are also involved because apparently they are still funny?
SAJOA MOE~! Finally, someone I can actually get behind! Which means he’ll be thrown out in 30 seconds…
Joe eliminates Big E .
Curt Hawkings is still employed. And on a 200+ match losing streak. Somehow I don’t see him winning tonight.
Joe chokes him out and he goes under the ring. *sigh* not this shit again…
Urgh, #10 is setp bowlings. He is heavily rumoured to win. Which means he might be in the match for a good while yet.
Elias is done.
Titus O’Neil. Because he needed to be in the rumble. At least we get a callback to the slide which him being careful coming to the ring, and getting a massive pop for not sliding .
Now he’s chasing Hawkins in the ring, and Hawkins eliminates him, then gets eliminated himself by Joe!
But seriously, that was the payoff to ANOTHER “hide under the ring” spot? Pathetic.
Yawn, Kofi time. Wonder what shitty spot he’s gonna do.
Mustafa Ali is #13. He’s on SD. He got squashed by Bryan shortly after Bryan won the title and turned heel. That’s all I have on the guy.
Ali eliminates Nakamura .
Ambrose . I remember when I liked the SHIELD guys. When they were originally together. After that they all went downhill faster than me chasing duck.
Boring Kofi spot to save himself. Wasn’t even worth typing about.
Gargano is thrown out by Deano.
No Way Jose. Yet another guy that is still employed that baffles my brain.
Oh what a surprise, he is eliminated in about 2 seconds. Sorry WWE, but I don’t think its possible to beat the Santino record.
D MAC! HEADBUTT TO JOSE~!
Drew and Joe . I’d watch those guys have a match.
These entrants seem to be happening really fast…
Woods is out at #17 and he does another awful spot with Kofi to save him. Drew McIntyre looks at them like they spat on his mother, then eliminates them both at the same time. THANK YOU DREW! THANK YOU DREW!
#18 coming out already and its Pete Dunn. Bah. Was hoping WALTER would be in the rumble, but I suppose having the NXT UK champ makes more sense…
He looks good here, just throwing and kicking people for 30 seconds.
Andrade is out next. I thought he had more names. Oh well. We all know Vince hates second names. Or first names.
Apollo Crews is a sleeper pick according to Cole. No, he’s just a guy that will put me to sleep if he lasts longer than 5 minutes in the match.
What the fuck? The camera angle changes and Drew is halfway over the ropes BUT NOBODY IS THERE TRYING TO ELIMINATE HIM .
Aleister Black is #21. He is an NXT guy. Probably gonna remain on the main roster after this.
Ambrose gets eliminated by being kicked in his hands .
Shelton Benjamin is also still employed? Where the fuck do all these guys hide?
Ali eliminates Joe. Well that was bullshit.
Borin Corbin. Urgh. So many shitty guys in this match.
Jeff Hardy is #24. Hell I’d be fine with him winning over anyone in the ring currently. Jeff Vs Brock would be fun. Don’t think they’ve touched since their 02 feud.
Black eliminated by Corbin .
Dunn is DONE. Bit of a shame. He was trying to break people’s fingers.
REY MYSERIO~! Another guy I actually wouldn’t mind winning. He’d be fun against Brock or Bryan.
BATHTURD LASHLEY. He’s eliminated in less than 30 seconds . Then he mauls Rollins for doing so. I see what’s happening. Take out Rollins for a short period of time so he can come back in and make a big COMEBACK and win. Urgh.
BRAUN~! I would like Braun to win but ONLY if he went to SD to face Bryan. We DO NOT need another Braun/Brock match. EVER AGAIN.
Corbin is eliminated!
Shelton is eliminated!
Hardy is eliminated!
Urgh, Dolph. Can this guy please just FUCK OFF already. Like, forever.
He eliminates Drew. FUCK YOU DOLPH. Go learn to fucking wrestle you spotmonkey twat.
Blandy Orton time. Ha, he gets powerslammed.
Can’t wait for #30…
Strowman goes shoulder first into the ring screen, and for some reason Orton rolls out of the ring to follow him.
Nia Jax attacks R-Truth on his way to the ring .
She’s stealing his spot .
Uhhh… Nia? Someone gave Becky PERMISSION to take Lana’s spot. NIA JAX VS BROCK LESNAR PLEASE.
So Ali eliminated Nakamura and Joe and gets thrown out by Nia. HA.
Crowd go apeshit when they think Orton is gonna RKO Nia .
Dolph “women hitter” Ziggler superkicks her. Because of course he does. He doesn’t know any other moves.
619 by Rey .
RKO .
WHO WROTE THIS SHIT?
Aaand she’s gone. Well, I guess it was more exciting than having R-Truth in.
REY IS GONE~!
ORTON IS GONE~!
Andrade and Ziggler are left now, since Braun is taking a nap and Seth is probably reading up on how to work.
Strowman runs through them both .
Seth is back, sort of. So Braun kills him again just for fun and throws him back in the ring.
4 men are in the ring and Lawler is confused, having to ASK if all 4 men in the ring are still in the match. Keep up the good work, Jerry .
All 3 men go after Braun, so Braun launches Andrade over the ropes!
ZIGGLER IS GONE! YES!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA
Rollins has Braun almost out, but the big man holds on! Chokeslam!
Oh look, they tried to do an 04 finish.
Curbstomp on the apron and Seth wins. Urgh.
So shitty winner aside this was a fun match mostly. Certainly not one of the best, but far from the worst. Maybe one day I’ll even watch it again.
Rating: ***1/4
CAL SCALE – 2
Overall CAL SCALE – 6
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