WWE’s Greatest Royal Rumble 2018
Well I guess TECHNICALLY this is a Royal Rumble PPV, so I’ll ramble on it. The first ever FIFTY MAN ROYAL RUMBLE MATCH. And it takes place on my 30th birthday . It better not suck!!!
TBH though, I have very low expectations for the entire show lol. Looking forward to the women’s matches thou… oh wait…
Triple H Vs John Cena
Wow, THIS is starting the show? I guess both men just wanna get a plane home straight away lol . Nah, HHH obviously thought the show needed to start off in a HUGE WAY and of course he’s the biggest legend in the history of wrestling so gotta have him open the show for this historic ppv that is history making history or something. I dunno.
I wonder if Cena is gonna give a fuck tonight.
HHH is known lately as… the creator? What?
Dammit Cena, where did you kidnap all those kids from? Rich Saudi Princes?
a bunch of men from the floor seats are all just stood around talking and not even facing the ring .
Holy fuck is this boring. Its like they decided that Saudi Arabia have probably not seen much wrestling so lets have a 60’s style match where we do tests of strength and sit in holds for as long as we want…
Cole blowing his load from a 2 count after a knee smash, thinking it was 3. It was not 3. It has never been 3. It will never be 3. Nobody fucking loses to that move. Maybe IN the 70’s. I’d buy a damn knee lift as being 3 over it, as that WAS a finisher once upon a time.
What the fuck? the entire front row is empty across from the side we see on camera .
Oh wow, now I know that the front row is empty, its like I can actively see them avoiding any camera angle that would show it .
Is the 5 Knuckle Shuffle illegal? Cos Cena didn’t even attempt to run the ropes and do his weird shit, instead he just dropped the fist .
Actually thought they were gonna end it there, but nah, what the fuck is wrong with me? Of course a match isn’t going to end after just one finisher. Silly me.
Was expecting the kick out this time.
AA. AA. 3 count.
Holy fuck was this BAD. I put more effort into learning french at school. AND I CAN’T SPEAK A WORD OF FUCKING FRENCH.
CAL SCALE – 0
Oh god Cena has the mic. If I can change. And you can change. EVERYONE can change. Or something like that. I dunno. I wasn’t listening.
Kalisto Vs Cedric Alexander – WWE Cruiserweight Championship Match
Well, at least these two are probably gonna put some EFFORT into this match, even if odds are I’ll hate it.
Flippy flippy flippy, rolly rolly rolly. Kick. And that was the first 5 minutes of the match .
Ahhh, they empty front row is reserved for some royalty. Who apparently haven’t bothered showing up yet . OH NO THEY MISSED CENA VS HHH!!!
Oh hey, Rey Mysterio is gonna be in the rumble match later tonight! I did not know that .
Cedric wins btw. Less offensive that HHH/Cena.
CAL SCALE – 0
Bray Wyatt & Matt Hardy Vs Sheamus & Cesaro – WWE Raw Tag Team Championship Match
This is for the Raw tag titles. Sheamus and Cesaro are now on SD. Hmmm… I wonder who will win…
So uhhh… there was nothing really WRONG with this match. Basic tag stuff, didn’t drag on. It just wasn’t that interesting. And the weird crowd didn’t help either as they were either dead as shit or didn’t care, or the arena being open fucked up the sound. I dunno. But it just made everything fall flat.
Bray and Matt win the titles.
CAL SCALE – 0
Jeff Hardy Vs Jinder Mahal – WWE United States Championship Match
I got Mario Kart 8 Deluxe for my birthday. Amma play that while this match takes place.
Ok, paused it. “Nobody would question the in ring ability of Jinder Mahal” EXCEPT EVERYONE EVER.
CAL SCALE – -1
The Usos Vs The Bludgeon Brothers – WWE Smackdown Tag Team Championship Match
This ended before I could think of anything to type. Usos tried and got crushed. Whatever.
CAL SCALE – 0
Seth Rollins Vs Samoa Joe Vs The Miz Vs Finn Balor – WWE Intercontinental Championship Ladder Match
The US title is staying on SD, so the IC title is staying on Raw, meaning Joe and Miz have no chance. Yey. I’m left with Seth or Balor…
Joe can’t even set a ladder up in the corner properly . Props to him for not just picking it back up straight away, but instead slamming Balor onto it and THEN putting it back in the corner and sending Rollins into it. Joe is OVER here which is kinda awesome. Crowd seems to have picked up in general now, actually.
Why did Miz prevent Rollins from superplexing Balor? Obviously he did it so Joe could show up and do the old powerbomb/suplex spot… but kayfabe-wise… why? Dumb fucker.
SKULL CRUSHING FINALE ON THE LADDER TO JOE~! Joe holds his forehead, while.. while… uhhh… the commentator dude whose name I cannot remember at this very moment screams “Joe landed jaw first on the ladder, his jaw might be broken” .
Graves. Cory Graves. That’s the commentator. I member his name now .
Interesting finish! Balor spends 5 minutes getting the better of Joe while trying to climb the ladder, then Rollins bounces onto the ladder OUTTA NOWHERE and just scrambles to get the belt, and does! No tense battle, no slow reaching; just desperately grabbing for his belt! I approve .
This wasn’t too bad . Joe was definitely the MVP of the match, spending the most time doing shit.
CAL SCALE – 1
A segment with people happens.
AJ Styles Vs Shinsuke Nakamura – WWE Championship Match
Please jebus, let this match be better than the awful pile of shite they put on at WM.
Went to bed. Now I have slept and maybe I’ll be in a better frame of mind for the rest of this show. Or it’ll suck regardless .
I love the fan shots they keep showing, where usually its just one dude smiling and everyone else around him not giving a shit .
And what is it with the VIP fans in the front rows? Dudes can’t sit still for 5 minutes. Constantly getting up and walking around and pointing at people and having conversations with each other. I know the show has been awful, but come on, sit on your fecking arses and at least TRY to enjoy the show. I’m not liking it and I’m still sitting down!
Sadly, this match is on par with what they did at WM so far. Its just a bunch of nothing. Naka flops around like he does, kicks AJ, then AJ fights back and then they go back to the start again. Its like they don’t know how to structure a match.
And that was probably the only highlight of the match.
10 count and both men are counted out. A disappointing finish to a disappointing match.
CAL SCALE – 0
The Undertaker Vs Rusev – Casket Match
THE UNDERTAKER . This will at least bring me SOME joy, even if the match is likely gonna be short and not very good.
Cole said this was the first casket match in 3 years, so I had to google it cos I didn’t remember it at all. Turns out Kane and Daniel Bryan had it. Genuinely don’t remember it at all. Might give it a watch later just for the hell of it.
Rusev is terrified and refuses to stay in the ring, so the Dead Man follows him out and thanks to the camera work, seemingly appears out of nowhere behind him to punch him in the face .
Rusev getting some shots in aaaaand its gone. Back to Taker dominating .
Undertaker rolls Rusev into the casket, but Aiden English refuses to let him shut the lid!
KICK TO THE HEAD~! Rusev is on top now, and doing better against The Undertaker than John Cena did at WrestleMania .
Well, this is much more of an actual match that I think everyone was expecting, myself included! Rusev is getting a lot of shit in, and even locks in the ACCOLADE! But when he asks for the casket to open, Undertaker sits up!
Chokeslam is countered and they go back and forth with punches, before the Dead Man is able to finally land the chokeslam!
Rusev is in the casket again, but English again gets in the way, receiving a chokelam AND a Tombstone Piledriver for his troubles! Man, that looked like it hurt Taker to do. He rolls English into the casket on top of Rusev, and the lid shuts!
Fun . Less of a squash that we all thought too, so that was nice. On par with the ladder match in terms of my enjoyment, so for completely different reasons .
CAL SCALE – 1
Brock Lesnar Vs Roman Reigns – Universal Championship Steel Cage Match
So I enjoyed their WM 34 match more than just about everyone. Admittedly I rated it higher than I should have, but I’m not one for going back and changing a rating afterwards. I’ll change it if I ever ramble about it again. Which is likely never, but you should all know I’d go lower .
Here we have the rematch (because… stuff), and its inside a cage. Will it be better? Will it suck? Will Roman finally win the title? Will we all be surprised again and Brock ends up leaving champion? I don’t know. Just gonna have to watch it and find out.
Escaping the cage is a way to win, so I wouldn’t be surprised if Roman OVERCOMES THE ODDS and simply walks out of the door to win .
Are thy allowed blood here in Saudi Arabia? Cos Brock inside a cage without blood just wouldn’t feel right lol.
GERMAN SUPLEXES~! And so it begins.
Roman taking the coward’s way out and trying to escape the cage.
Lesnar tries to climb out too. He’s not a coward though. He’s already proven he can beat Roman. He shouldn’t even be in a rematch with Roman, so he can win however the fuck he wants.
Brock gets powerbombed off the ropes, thrown into the cage a few times and then SPEAR! SPEAR! SPEAR! That’s for 3 actual Spears, not me doing the “GORE! GORE! GOOOOORE!” call.
To the absolute surprise of nobody ever, Brock kicks out. So Roman again turns into a coward and goes for the door, so Heyman slams it shut on him. Well done, Paul . Show Roman the error of his ways!
OMG I CANNOT BELIEVE IT ROMAN REIGNS JUST KICKED OUT OF AN F-5 OH MY HOW DID HE DO THAT THE HEART OF THIS MAN IS SO BIG HE JUST WON’T GIVE UP~!
Brock takes off his gloves, so he can deal more damage with his punches… and immediately picks up a steel chair instead . IT WON’T HURT ANY MORE WITH YOUR GLOVES OFF, YOU MORON.
Kick out. Duh.
Now Roman gets the chair, hits Brock a few times and then somehow comes to the conclusion that his superman punch will do more damage so he throws the chair away . Oh wrestling logic, you do make me laugh .
SPEAR THROUGH THE SIDE OF THE FUCKING CAGE~!
BROCK LESNAR RETAINS HIS TITLE~!
Technically though, Roman landed on the floor first. Lesnar was still on the cage panel while Roman rolled over onto the floor .
This wasn’t awful . Plus Roman didn’t win so that’s a plus in my book, mainly because people really hate Brock now and want the title off him, so this will make them salty as fuck .
Wait… does this mean we’re getting a rematch AGAIN at some point? I TAKE IT BACK. I WISH ROMAN WON.
CAL SCALE – 1
50 Man Royal Rumble Match
And finally we get to the match I REALLY wanted to see. I love me some ROYAL RUMBLE. 20 man, 30 man, 40 man, and now 50 man. Winner gets… a trophy. Ok. I’m sure the commentators will mention it on TV for years to come even as the winner is turned into a complete jobber cos it’ll probably just end up like every winner of the Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal.
Oh wow the winner gets a green belt too! Does… does that mean this will be a yearly thing and the winner gets the title? Or will it end up like the King of the Ring title where it just gets forgotten about immediately?
Here comes the #1 entrant to the biggest Royal Rumble ever… DANIEL FREAKIN’ BRYAN!!!
And #2 is… Mr Ziggle Cakes. Magical.
I love when they talk about winners from the first 2 positions. ONLY FOUR PEOPLE HAVE WON FROM NUMBERS 1 AND 2, INCLUDING HBK, REY MYSTERIO AND VINCE MCMAHON. Why mention all 3 you can mention? Why not just say “including WWE Hall of Famer Shawn Michaels” and be done with it. Missing out the 4th name just makes it weird and for those who don’t know already, they’ll wonder who it was and probably look it up, so you’ve unintentionally promoted Benoit, you morons .
Sin Cara showed up while I was ranting. Then he got eliminated. Which proves that me ranting > Sin Cara.
Curtis Axel. Wow, the jobbers just keep on coming. I hope that Bryan being #1 means he gets to spend a good while in there so we always have a name that matters in the match while all these losers and nobodies enter.
MARK MOTHERFUCKING HENRY . BEAT EM UP BEAT EM UP BREAK HIS NECK BREAK HIS NECK~!
Daniel and Dolph try to team up against Henry, but its gonna take more than just 2 men to eliminate Henry. Until it only takes one, like usual .
Mike Kanellis. He’s the husband of Maria, the one in the family that actually matters .
Henry eliminates him in near record time.
Hiroki Sumi!!! He’s… uhhh… he’s here, that’s for sure! Never heard of him lol.
But who cares, dude is a BIG BEEFY BASTARD and he and Henry are gonna go at it . BIG BEEFY BASTARDS BATTLING .
Henry eliminates him on his own immediately .
And then Dolph and Bryan eliminate Henry . I miss Henry. Bring back Henry.
Victor. Or Viktor? The k seems right, but I dunno. Bryan eliminates him anyway so in the end, it doesn’t matter how Vicktor is spelted.
Here comes Kofi. I wonder if he’ll avoid elimination by stepping on women’s rights.
Tony Nese is out next. I think I member him. I wanna say I liked him during the CWC. Unless I’m thinking of someone else. That tends to happen from time to time, especially with recent wrestling as I don’t remember most people.
DASH. His last name is Wilder, but they didn’t put it on the little name thingy that came up, so I’m assuming WWE are thinking of removing his last name so we just have DASH and whatever his partner’s name is. Because WWE hate last names. Because Vince is the weirdest bastard ever.
OH MY FUCKING GOD ITS HORNSWOGGLE. I made a joke that he would be a surprise entrant in this thing. And here he is. He helps eliminate DASH.
SWEET SHIN MUSIC~! SAMOAN DROP~! TADPOLE SPLA… SUPERKICK TO THE FACE~!
Kofi almost got crushed by Hornswoggle but got saved by Dolph. Nese knees Swogg in the face and he’s gone.
Primo! He’s still employed! Good for him.
Aaaand he fucks up the first thing he tries. *slow clap*
Xavier Woods is here to help Kofi. Hopefully he’ll help him over the ropes and out of the match. Instead he saves him from elimination as Kofi gets a piggy back from him.
Nese decides to have a little dance with The New Day, and they throw him out? Bastards!
Bo Dallas! I BO-LIEVE he’s shite and will not win this match.
ITS KURT ANGLE~! Out goes Bo and Primo!
Out goes Dolph! Thank you Kurt! Thank you Kurt!
DAWSON~! His first name is Scott, but like his partner, he doesn’t get his full name on screen. So just DASH AND DAWSON. Sounds better than DASH AND SCOTT. Sometimes a last name is better. But still… FULL NAMES, VINCE.
Goldust! 13th Royal Rumble match for him, putting him in the second most Rumble matches ever, behind Kane at 17.
Goldust almost eliminates Bryan for another SHATTERED DREAMS moment . Teasing bastards.
KONNOR. His name starts with a K so that leads me to believe Viktor was the correct spelling. But why did KONNOR get his name shown on screen and not Viktor? Is this some conspiracy? Is Viktor gonna be released soon? Are they splitting up as a team? WHAT DOES THIS ALL MEAN?
Fucking hell Cole just blew his load . OH YES!!! ELIAS NUMBER 20!!! Calm down mate. Its just a dude with a geetar.
Elias eliminates Konnor, Kofi and Woods and Cole blew another load. HOW MANY LOADS DOES COLE HAVE?
FESTUS~! Oh no, just Luke Gallows. He was miles better as Festus.
Kurt and Bryan going at it . Bryan does a flip out of a German Suplex and I cringe as it looks like he’s gonna land on his head for a second. PLEASE STOP THAT SHIT, BRYAN.
ELIAS ELIMINATES ANGLE~! And that answers my question. Cole had 2 loads for the Rumble, as he barely reacted to Elias eliminating Angle .
RHYNO . Dude gets THICKER every year.
Gallows might not be Festus any more, but he has the intelligence of Festus still. He goes after Bryan, even has him sat on the top rope… and then WALKS AWAY. Give him a fucking push and you might eliminate him, you halfwit.
Drew Gulak. He’s in the match.
TUCKER KNIGHT~! He’s part of Heavy Machinery apparently. All I know is he’s a BIG BEEFY BASTARD so I already like him .
Drew Gulak. He’s out of the match.
GLORIOUS~! Bobby Roode is here to not win a RR match!
Cole: “Goldust with an impressive performance so far” *2 seconds later* GOLDUST IS ELIMINATED~!
Dawson is gone too. No idea what happened lol.
FAN. DAN. GOOOOOOO.
RHYNO AND GALLOWS LOOKING TOGETHER~! Michal Cole continuing to be the great commentator we all know him to be.
Chad Gable. Man, times sure have changed when him beating Jinder Mahal is considered the biggest win in someone’s career .
REY MYSTERIO~! Not looking as buff as he did at the proper RR. Maybe due to his arm injury? Or maybe he’s not taking whatever he was on, due to wanting to come back to WWE?
Gallows is out!
Jomo Riley! Or something. I dunno. I don’t care. He sucks.
Tyler Breeze time. Member when his gimmick was that he used a selfie stick?
Now his gimmick is being stupid as fuck, given the way he got eliminated .
He’s got pancakes and he ain’t afraid to use them!
Big Ending, and Tucker Knight is out. Shame.
Karl Anderson. With a K. Not a C. C isn’t kool anymore. From now on I demand to be referred to as Big Kal.
Apollo Crews. With a C. Not a K. K isn’t cool anymore. From now on I demand to be referred to as Big Cal.
Roderick Strong. Is he strong enough to throw everyone out of the ring? Nah, probably not. He IS strong enough to eliminate RHYNO though! Graves things he’s gonne win the entire thing.
RANDY ORTON. Now he can be boring in Saudi Arabia!!!
Awful RKO OUTTA NOWHERE to Crews. Orton almost missed him . Orton throws some people out. I already forgot who.
HEATH SLATER~! He gotta win this match for his kids dammit.
BABATUNDE~! NEVER HEARD OF HIM BEFORE IN MY LIFE~! But he’s a BIG BEEFY BASTARD so I already like him . BIG BEEFY BASTARDS are seemingly making a comeback in wrestling right now. Which is awesome. It means wrestling might get good again soon .
Borin Corbin. I’m already bored. He eliminates Strong and Roode. So much for Strong winning…
Titus O’Neil time.
He… he slips and falls and slides under the ring . Greatest Royal Rumble moment!!!
DAN MATHA~! He’s another tall dude but he doesn’t appear to be BEEFY. I don’t like him.
they keep showing Titus tripping and slipping . Its the Taka face bump moment of 2018.
BRAUN~! FUCK YES! He’d better win. He’s #41, and right now is the highest number entrant to a RR match ever!
BRAUN AND BABTUNDE~! BRAUN AND DAN MATHA~! BRAUN THROWS BOTH MEN OVER THE ROPES LIKE THEY WERE CHILDREN~!
BIG E IS GONE TOO~!
HEATH SLATER AS WELL~!
Braun just took out 4 men, two of them being giants!
Tye Dillinger. I bet he’s happy to be on a show other than… uhhh… whatever the Z shows are these days. Is Superstars still a thing? If it is, he’s going right back there as Braun eliminates him! And Titus too!
Bryan and Elias have fecked off outside the ring apparently.
Everyone else goes after Braun, but they make the mistake of taking him DOWN and not OVER THE ROPES.
Rey is gone by Borin Corbin. Borin Corbin is gone by Orton. Orton is gone by Elias! Elias gets killed by Braun and is outside the ring again, leaving BRAUN all alone.
CURT HAWKINS~! Curt with a C because… ah fuck it, even I’m sick of that “joke”.
Hawkins decides to run away instead . Braun chases him down and brings him back into the ring, then slams into Bryan, and throws Elias back in.
Hawkins is gone.
Bryan is still out of it on the floor, while Elias is stuck in the ring one on one with BRAUN.
He and Elias go at it, botch a spot or two, and Elias is thrown out.
BRAUN VS BOBBY TIME .
BRYAN IS BACK~!
HOLY FUCK WHAT HAPPENED TO HIS CHEST?
The Great Khali. Fuck me he’s coming to the ring slower than Iron Shiek at WM 17.
Well, I guess its just some big dude for BRAUN to throw out. With the help of Lashley apparently. Fuck me it took him longer to get in the ring than it did for him to be eliminated. I wonder how much he got paid to fly in from India and be in the ring for 30 seconds .
Kevin Owens. He’s BEEFY, but he isn’t that BIG and therefore he isn’t that GOOD.
POP-UP POWERBOMB TO BRYAN~!
HERE COMES THE MONEY~! Shane McMahon, not the people paying for this show.
He of course goes right after Owens. Even gives Lashley some kicks. Those two have a history, back in 07 on ECW when Vince won the title and feuded with Bobby!
Bryan and Shane gonna go at it?
Bah, they go after Owens together. KICK SHANE’S HEAD IN, BRYAN.
Poor Braun has to sell punches from Shane .
Shelton Benjamin time. From money to money! Get it? HAHAHAHAHAHA I’m awesome.
Braun is back to his feet, so Owens screams at everyone to gang up on the MONSTER AMONG MEN.
Big Cass. Urgh. Bryan returns after like 3 years and gets stuck with Cass.
Braun throws everyone off him just as Cass is getting in the ring and fucks everything up for him .
COAST TO COAST TO BRAUN~!
WHO IS #50?
Oh, its Jericho. Forgot he was in it too. Was hoping for some big surprise or someone good.
Cole confuses a jacket with a scarf. Just like he confuses being a good commentator with being awful .
Jericho is looking really old now.
He’s flabby as fuck too.
Still manages to eliminate Shelton though .
Lashley struggles to suplex Cass and ends up dropping him down for a brainbuster and Cass could be dead. OUCH. I don’t like the guy, but fuck me that was NOT GOOD.
Shane goes for another COAST TO COAST, but Braun grabs him and throws him off the ropes, through the announce table and OUT of the Rumble!!!
Lashley is out too! And Jericho!!! And Owens!!! BRAUN is dominating!!!
We are down to Braun, Bryan and Cass!!!
Bryan almost has Braun out, but ends up getting smashed in the face by Cass and thrown out! 1 hour, 16 minutes and 5 seconds for a NEW RR record, but sadly he did not win.
Now its down to Cass and Braun. BRAUN FINALLY GONNA WIN SOMETHING .
Cass is out!
The winner of the GREATEST ROYAL RUMBLE MATCH IS BRAUN STROWMAN~!
I really enjoyed this . I usually always love Royal Rumble matches, so I’m bias, but this one, despite being longer than usual and having more guys, never seemed to get boring. Didn’t have many “MOMENTS” that we’ll be talking about in years to come (except for Titus ), but it was a good, solid, entertaining Rumble the entire way though .
CAL SCALE – 3
Overall CAL SCALE – 5