Royal Rumble 2020
LETS GET READY TO ROYAL RUMBLE~! Not that I’m particularly excited, mind you. Pretty much watching this because its a yearly tradition for me to do a RAMBLE on it. Most I see of modern wrestling is on twitter. The odd clip and gif. And 99% of the time it looks like shite. Suppose I should just get started…
Sheamus Vs Shorty G
Member when Sheamus won the Royal Rumble and was kind of a big deal? I member. Now he’s on the pre-show in his FIRST MATCH IN MONTHS against a comedy job guy.
Also, what the FUCK did they do to Chad Gable? *sigh*
Huh. A female referee for a mens match. WWE are so progressive!
Is someone bleeding? Or is the referee preparing to check the uhhh… behind area of one of these wrestlers?
Oh, ok. I think Shorty G *sigh* is bleeding from the ear. Sheamus just as STIFF as ever.
Sheamus stealing from uhhh… that NXT UK dude… you know, whatshisface… anyway, Sheamus is stealing his shit by bending the fingers back and going after the hand.
Oh hey, ADVERTS DURING THE MATCH. At least they don’t cut away from the match, just do a split screen.
THE FELLA HAS BEEN UNLEASHED .
Sheamus killing Shorty G *sigh* with those clubs to the chest .
Nice German Suplex spot by Shorty G *sigh*. He’s going after the legs of Sheamus to try and prevent the Brogue Kick. My guess is Sheamus will still be able to hit it. The dude just jump off the top rope ffs. Clearly an injured leg won’t bother him lol.
CAL SCALE – 1
Humberto Carrillo Vs Andrade – WWE United States Championship Match
So Andrade beats Mysterio in a LADDER MATCH to retain/win the US title… and then gets stuck on the pre-show right after! Nothing like capitalising on such a big win!
Some BOUNCY BOUNCY FLIP FLIP SHIT to start the match here, and holy fuck the fans are DEAD for it .
ANOTHER AD MID-MATCH~! It features Daniel Bryan though so its more interesting than the match currently taking place.
Cross arm breaker in the ropes reminds me of Alberto Del Rio. And reminding me of that boring fuck is never a good thing.
A near fall from a running crotch thrust or something. Apparently it was running knees, but yeah, it looked like he ran his penis full speed into his face.
Andrade wins. I sat through the entire thing, so I guess I lose.
CAL SCALE – 0
MAIN SHOW TIME~!
Roman Reigns Vs King Corbin – Falls Count Anywhere Match
Nothing like starting the main show off with a bang! Shame they didn’t bother doing that this year…
Man, what a piece of shit Roman is. Dude takes out two of those poor people who carry Corbin to the ring. WHAT DID THEY EVER DO TO YOU? I mean, I haven’t seen any of the build up to this match so maybe they attacked him at some point, but I don’t know that so ROMAN IS A PIECE OF SHIT .
So this is a PERSONAL FEUD. So personal Roman wants it to end minutes into the match.
DEEP SIX about a minute after that, but only a 2 count. At least it would make sense for Corbin to try and win early. He likely just wants to get the fuck out of there with the W.
Oh joy, now they are fighting in the crowd. This hasn’t been a good idea in many years. And to the surprise of nobody, it isn’t good here. Just a lot of walking around with the odd punch until they end up back by the ring.
CHOKESLAM ON THE GERMAN ANNOUNCE TABLE, JA~!
CHOKESLAM THROUGH THE SPANNISH ANNOUNCE TABLE, SI~!
Of course THE BIG DAWG kicks out of both chokeslams.
Yey, back fighting in the crowd…
I say FIGHTING, I mean “walking to the area where they have a spot set up”. With the odd punch for the hell of it.
Was that a security guard randomly waving to the camera? Then he immediately turned around to make sure the other fans were staying back .
Samoan drop through a table. From one of the lesser announce tables that sit in the back of the area and don’t get proper tables. Followed by another Samoan Drop through another random country’s table.
How did the Penguin pass his driving test?
HE WINGED IT!!!
That joke brought to you by the Penguin biscuit I am currently eating.
Bobbert Rude and Mr Ziggles show up to attack Roman. I guess we should expect the Usos to save Roman?
Yep, there they are.
A few minutes spent with the nobody helpers and we’re back to the actual guys in the match.
Oh great, we’re at the PORT-A-POTTIES. POOP SPOTS~! Because Vince loves POOP. He has the sense of humour of a 4 year old. And the mind of a 3 year old these days, the senile old bastard.
Corbin is put inside, and Roman just topples it over. at Graves trying to copy the “THERE ARE HUMAN BEINGS INSIDE THERE” line from when the New Age Outlaws put Cactus and Funk inside a dumpster and pushed it off the ramp. Doesn’t quite work when all Roman is doing is pushing the damn thing over.
Soupaman Punch. Spear. Roman wins lol.
Wow this sucked.
CAL SCALE – 0
Still got 3 and a half hours of this show left. Send help.
Owens and Joey Samoey. They have a backstage segment. That was utterly pointless.
Mandy Rose and Sonya Deville… Devill… DeVill Mandy Rose and Sonya get interviewed. For like 20 seconds. With Sonya just saying she’ll eliminate herself if it comes down to her and Mandy.
30 Women Royal Rumble Match
Alexa Bliss is #1. Number 2 is… Bianca Belair. She annoys me already. Luckily they seem to work really well together, with numerous elimination attemps before #3 comes out. That’s how they should work a rumble!
Speaking of #3… MIGHTY FUCKING MOLLY!!! I could have predicted Molly Holly being in the match, but MIGHTY MOLLY? That’s a nice surprise .
Nikki Cross comes out at #4 and… what is that run?
Nikki and Bliss have a bro… uhhh… what’s the female equivilent of a bromance? They have that.
Time for Lana. I hope Rusev in a dress is next so he can eliminate her.
What happened to her accent?
How long is the time between entrants btw? Seems they get an entrance, hit like 2 moves and someone else is coming in.
Mercedes Martinez is out next. Name rings a bell so I’m sure I’ve seen her at some point in the past. Likely last year’s rumble. But I remember nothing.
#7 is Liv Morgan. She eliminates Lana immediately, making Lana the first women to be eliminated. Liv looks different from last time I saw her. Which will have been either last year’s Rumble or WM if she had a match there.
Lana comes back and eliminates Liv. Liv and Lana continue to fight. I don’t care.
Mandy Rose. She was the women from the “interview” segment earlier. Nikkie Cross goes after her and… it doesn’t go too well at first lol.
#9 time. Candice LeRae. She’s from NXT. I know this because they told me on commentary .
Barely get any time to talk about what happens in the ring, as by the time I’ve wrote who is coming to the ring, someone else is coming to the ring. Mighty Molly is eliminated.
Mandy Rose is… NOT ELIMINATED when Otis rolls out from under the ring and Mandy lands on top of him, without her feet touching the floor . Ok, that might be the best false elimination ever. Kofi and Morrion’s shit got NOTHING on that spot.
Sonya Deville (I looked it up, that’s how it spelleded) next. She works with Mandy and they eliminate Mercedes.
#11 is Kairi Sane, one half of da wwe women’s tag team champions. She has an umbrella. I thought she was a pirate? Or am I confusing her with someone else? Though I guess pirates need to get cover from rain too. I bet an umbrella would come in handy a lot on the open sea, what with all that water spraying about etc.
Mia Yim time. Have I heard of her before? Was she here last year? I don’t know.
Belair uses Alexa Bliss AS A WEAPON to eliminate Nikki Cross. LOL. Bliss manages to survive though. OTIS keeps screaming encouragement to Mandy and its hilarious. He catches her to save her again, but Belair lobs Deville out as well and Otis can’t hold them both and so they all go crashing to the floor. Eliminated. Booo. I miss Otis already. I hope he wins the men’s rumble.
Another entrant and its… uhhh… Dana Brooke. Missed her entire entrance talking about Otis so I didn’t know who she was until someone on commentary said her same again .
Is Dana the one who was having an e-relationship with Batista on twitter? Did they ever go out on an actual date? Are they dating now?
Someone got eliminated. No idea who it was. Kairi Sane is also eliminated. I miss Umbrella Pirate.
Oh. Tamina is still employed. SOUPAKICKS to everyone, then gets dumped out by Belair. Ha.
Dakota Kai now. Kewl.
Yim is eliminated.
Time for another entrant already. Must be 60 seconds between entrants.
Chelsea Green. Never heard of her in my life. She immediately throws out Dakota Kai, then is thrown out herself. Welp. Guess I won’t get to know her now.
Dana is out too, and we are back to the first 2 entrants in Bliss and Belair. They fight with each other, and after a TUG OF HAIR, Bliss is OUT!
Charlotte Flair time. Winning the rumble is the only thing she hasn’t done, so good chance she finally wins this year. And she needs it. She doesn’t get pushed enough… .
Naomi is #18. She gets a big pop. Apparently she’s been injured for a while or something, so this is her return. 13:41 27/01/2020 uhhh how did I put that there? I was moving something on my desk and hit my keyboard and that appeared. HOW DID I DO THAT?
BETH PHOENIX~! So she’s here. Which means her husband Edge could very well be backstage… hopefully just to support his wife whose neck won’t snap with one wrong bump and not so he can show up in the rumble…
#20 is Toni Storm. They put her over as being TITLE HUNGRY because she keeps challenging for titles. But not winning them .
BIANCA IS GONE~! She went to the top rope and Charlotte kicked her out. That’s what you get for being stoopid in a rumble.
Kelly Kelly time. The talent in the ring just dropped by like 100. Out of 10.
Beth Phoenix almost eliminates Charlotte. She’d better be careful, she keeps kicking Charlotte in the tits while trying to knock her out. Those things could bust if hit too hard!
Sarah Logan is out next. She gets eliminated by Charlotte about 20 seconds in. Oh well.
KK busts open Charlotte’s nose, so Charlotte eliminates her. Bye.
Natalya is #23. Ouch, Beth Phoenix’s hair has turned red from the back of her head bleeding. Wonder how that happened. Probably Kelly Kelly. She busted open Charlotte, so wouldn’t surprise me if she fucked up something else.
Xia Li. She has a fan. Like, an actual fan. To fan yourself with. I’m sure she has many of the other fans too. But that’s not the point. FAN~!
Zelina Vega next. Followed by Shotzi Blackheart. She has green hair.
Naomi is thrown out, but she runs down the steps and jumps onto the barricade and avoids elimination for the time being. From there she gets onto an announce table and is likely getting ready to jump onto the ring steps.
Carmella. She’s still employed too.
Charlotte is thrown into the ring post and through the ropes so she’ll be on the floor for a while then RANDOMLY APPEAR 4 MINUTES LATER WHEN EVERYONE WITH THE ATTENTION SPAN OF A DEAD FISH FORGETS SHE WAS THERE.
Tegan Fox I think is out now. I think that is her name. Wasn’t paying attention. Naomi still wandering about on the announce tables. GET IN THE RING YA LAZY FOOK.
#29 is… Santina Marella. *sigh*
After threatening Natalya and Beth with the Cobra and neither of them flinching, Santina eliminates herself.
#30 time and its Shayna Baszler. She’s a big deal apparently. She attacks Charlotte on the outside, but instead of getting her back in the ring to eliminate her, she throws her into the steel steps and leaves her. Moron.
Shayna throws out a few women, as Naomi uses the table top to build a bridge from the table to the steps and finally gets back in the match. Shayna throws out more women. Including Naomi. Now she’s alone with BETH AND NATALYA (and Charlotte who we must forget about).
Beth throws out Natalya as revenge for last year or the year before or whenever it was.
Beth and Shayna are almost out and Charlotte shows back up to try and eliminate them both but fails so now Shayna is gonna kill her .
Beth tries to sneak up from behind and win but gets thrown out. Now its Shayna and Charlotte.
Charlotte wins because duh.
I enjoyed this for the most part tbh. 60 seconds between entrants meant things kept going at a good pace, so there wasn’t much down time or anything. Some fun spots and eliminations, and they didn’t have to rely on a ton of old stars from the past. Could have done without Kelly Kelly though…
Did Charlotte NEED to win? No. But come on, look at the men’s rumble. Austin won THREE TIMES. Hogan, Cena, HHH, Orton and HBK won twice. Undertaker won in 2007. None of them NEEDED multiple wins, nor did Undertaker need a single win. But they got em. Because that’s what WWE does. The rumble is rarely about MAKING a new star.
CAL SCALE – 2
Bayley Vs Lacey Evans – WWE Smackdown Women’s Championship Match
Bayley just looks sad during her entrance lol.
And that’s about all I can manage of this one.
CAL SCALE – -1
Bray Wyatt Vs Daniel Bryan – WWE Championship Strap Match
Member when Bray had his greatest singles match ever against Bryan at the Royal Rumble a number of years ago? I member, and you should too because I doubt they’ll replicate it here tbh. The strap match gimmick doesn’t lend itself to greatness much, and Bray’s new FIEND gimmick where… uhhh… he wears a mask and no sells death or something, also doesn’t lend itself to greatness inside the ring.
Also I hope we don’t have to put up with the red lighting.
I thought he was wearing like a cardboard cutout of his face in front of his face, then I realised that’s his title belt .
Do we know what The Fiend gimmick actually IS yet? I brought it up when I watched the HILARIOUSLY BAD HIAC against Seth and I never got an answer because nobody else knew either. Been a few months now… maybe someone knows finally?
as Bray sends Bryan into the ring post on the outside, someone in the crowd yells YOWIE WOWIE really loud and Bray just turns and stares at him . Match is ***** for that alone. Either that or Bray said it. I’m not sure actually. ***** either way.
Holy crap the crowd are DEAD, only reacting to loud sounding shots with the strap.
LOOK AT BRYAN’S BODY.
Ok, so I don’t think this is one of the stoopid “touch 4 turnbuckles in a row” strap matches, so that’s something. Gives the match more of a chance to not suck tbh. Pretty sure only Eddie and JBL had a good “touch 4 posts” strap match.
MULTIPLE KICKS TO THE BALLS~!
DDT ON THE ANNOUNCE TABLE~!
Can’t wait for Bray to no sell it all!
But first Bryan whips da shit out of Bray with the strap.
Back in the ring and… yeah Bray is no selling everything by begging Bryan to keep hitting him.
Running Knee countered into Sister Abigail. Nice counter tbh. Bryan kicks out though.
Mandible Claw countered into a triangle choke, but it doesn’t work so he counters into the LaBell Lock and uses the strap for extra LEVERAGE but Wyatt doesn’t seem to care because for some reason he doesn’t feel pain much any more as The Fiend. One day we might find out why. I doubt it.
Of course it doesn’t end the match. The Fiend has mystical no-selling powers from his childrens TV show thing. Honest.
Mandible Claw into a slam and Bryan loses.
Had a couple of moments. That was it. God, Bray sucks.
CAL SCALE – 0
Asuka Vs Becky Lynch – WWE Raw Women’s Championship Match
They wrestled last year and I hated it. Maybe this year can be different. Hopefully this year can be different. IT BETTER BE FUCKING DIFFERENT.
I can picture the two of them going over the match in the back before hand. “Ok, I’LL do some moves, then YOU do some moves. Then, I’ll do some moves. Then you do some too. Then, as a surprise for the fans, I’LL do some more moves again, and just as they think I’m going to continue doing moves… YOU do some moves! Then we’ll do a finish or something”.
I seem to remember having a similar complaint last year with their match. It just doesn’t have any structure to it. They just take turns at doing some offence. There is no story. No SCIKOLAGY. Nothing. And as a result I just don’t give a FUCK.
Becky makes Asuka tap.
CAL SCALE – 0
Two people backstage do things. I don’t know who they are or what is happening.
30 Man Royal Rumble Match
BORK TIME~! The Universal Champion is #1 in the Royal Rumble because nobody is a challenge to him, so he needs to fight 29 other men at once instead. Just hope a certain MMA fighter isn’t the one to eliminate him.
So, who will be the first VICTIM for Brock? #2 is none other than… Elias. No point starting big, I guess.
Brock nearly falls out of the ring when he decides to chase after Elias on the floor first .
Brock smashes the guitar over the back of Elias, then throws him out.
Victim #2 at #3 time. Erik Rowan. Oh look, Rowan is carrying a cage covered up. How interesting. I hope the big reveal of what’s inside is Hornswoggle. Rowan was thrown out before I finished typing that out .
Bobbert Rude is #4. Also, at Booker T. Rowan was apparently eliminated in 8 seconds, so Booker T says Brock Lesnar has had around 20 seconds to rest between entrants. BOOKER NO DO MATHS. He sucks at wrestling too. And commentary.
F-5~! Bye Bye Bobbert!
John Morrison. He’s back. I watched the Chronicle documentary about his return yesterday. Holy fuck is he the most dull, boring motherfucker on the planet. He keeps trying to be ENTERTAINING as the camera follows him around, but he fails miserably at it. Just like he fails in the rumble here. OVERHEAD BELLY TO BELLY SUPLEX OUT OF DA RING~!
Kofi! He gets to be squashed by Lesnar again! He lasts longer here than he did in his title match on Smackdown last year, so that’s something!
Wonder when one of the entrants is gonna not be a moron, and wait to enter the match when another entrant shows up.
Congrats to Kofi, Brock doesn’t eliminate him before the next guy comes in! And the next guy is Mysterio! Brock decides to have some fun and kill 2 men at 1 time. BORK~!
commentary claims Lesnar is in this match to prove he’s a fighting champion. Only he isn’t defending the title so…
BIG E! He decides to be somewhat smart and help Kofi and Mysterio up, who are on the floor but not eliminated. They 3 on 1 Lesnar and it works for a while. They all hit finishers on Brock but it doesn’t help them. LESNAR IS STAGGY. HE’S STAG. HE’S STAGGERED. More quality commentary tonight.
So long, Rey and Big E! Kofi gets an F-5 over the ropes and he’s gone too. BORK~!
Lesnar is almost half way there. HE’S MORE THAN HALF WAY THERE. As #9 comes in. WHY IS COMMENTARY SO FUCKING STUPID? Normally its just shite.
CESARO~! Welp, he’s gone.
Shelton Benjamin!!! He’s still a thing, apparently. He and Brock were at college together. Not that it matters. They hug, and then Brock fucks him up because BORK~!
Nine eliminations for Brock. Who will be #10? Is that TEN! TEN! TEN! dude still a thing?
Nakamichinoku! These two had a match in Japan in like 05 didn’t they? I assume it lasted longer than Naka’s time in the rumble.
Only thing missing from this is Heyman on the mic. He should be shouting shit and cutting promos in between eliminations, like Punk did that one time.
MVP. He’s a surprise entrant. A shitty one at that. Wonder how much he is getting paid to show up for 30 seconds in the rumble . Or maybe he’ll eliminate Brock!
F-5. So long, MVP!
#13. Unlucky for some, but lucky for me as a fan. KEITH LEE! He’s a BIG BEEFY BASTARD so this should be fun. The fans are going crazy for this which is nice. Shouldn’t be long before WWE screw Lee up.
#14 is coming out and Lee is still in the ring! And its BRAUN FUCKING STROWMAN! BIG. BEEFY. BASTARDS. 3 of em!
BROCK is back in control with GERMANS TO BEEFY BASTARDS~!
#15 should be WALTER. But it won’t be cos WWE gonna WWE.
Pretty sure TITAN TIME is in effect here as I’m sure its been longer than a minute. Brock eliminates Lee and Braun at the same time!
#15 is… Ricochet. Yawn. Brock looks knackered lol. So much so he doesn’t have the time to eliminate Ricochet.
MCINTYRE~! He is a popular pick to win this thing online, or at the very least the guy to eliminate Brock. Low blow by Ricochet, and a CLAYMORE KICK eliminates Brock! Brock Vs McIntyre for WM then. I like the sound of that . Guessing Bork will eliminate Drew once he comes to.
RICOCHET IS GONE~! Good. Fack him.
Urgh. Miz. Shame he didn’t come in when Brock was still in.
MCINTYRE FELT HIM CUMMING~!
Yey Miz gets kicked and thrown out. BORK is back to his feet and Drew is staring him down. BUSINESS IS ABOUT TO PICK UP. Any second now. Honest…
AJ Styles out next, as Brock seemingly pisses off through the crowd. He’ll be back. And in greater numbers.
Nice suplex counter into a calf killer attempt.
#19 is Mr Ziggles. Really wish he was coming out while Brock was still in. All I can hope for now is a CLAYMORE KICK to the face and an elimination.
Drew still looking good, keeping control of the match even with 2 others in there.
Karl Anderson is #20. Just in time to save AJ from elimination. BOOOOOOOOO.
All 3 men try to eliminate Drew, then for some reason AJ kicks Ziggles and goes after him instead. Even MICHAEL COLE is confused by that. MICHAEL FUCKING COLE. And he’s a fucking moron.
#21 is Edge. Urgh. MVP was a better surprise, and he was shite. Shame Brock isn’t in the match still. One F-5 and Edge’s neck is shattered… .
Also this might have been a surprise if it hadn’t been spoiled numerous times over the last like 6 months. At least he seems to have gotten rid of his pudgy stomach. Always made him look really weird given his body proportions. He has super long legs, then he had a roll of fat hanging down and then his head.
RUNNING HUGS. I hope Drew kicks him in the face.
#22 is… Borin Corbin.
Booker T: “I love everything about King Corbin”
Michael Cole: “Well you’re the only one”
AJ eliminated by has-been cripple Edge. Lame.
Matt Riddle. Bro. He annoys me just walking to the ring. Kinda hope GOLDBERG shows up to spear him to hell.
Riddle with a knee to Edge’s face. I like him a little now.
Aaaaand Corbin throws out Riddle. Oh well.
Luke Gallows time. Why does he have face paint now? Who does he think he is? Demolition?
McIntyre eliminates Corbin .
at the women in the front row dancing around when Orton’s music hits.
They eliminated The OC. Even Orton makes note of Edge losing his FAT.
DA BIG DAWG. ITS A GREAT SLOT.
Mr Ziggles is gone! Roman isn’t too bad, I guess .
If Brock comes back and screws McIntyre out of the win, then I can only hope someone decent shows up soon that could win.
Owens is #27. He is not someone decent that could win. At least he does some fun stuff for his shine period as a new entrant. Don’t want him winning though.
#28 is Aleister Black. He’s… uhhh… evil or something?
#29 time. Its… its… Joey Samoey! He’s currently the best choice to win if Drew is screwed by Brock, but he’s still not a GREAT choice tbh.
Joe and Owens go at it. They are partners against Sethy but will fight each other anyway.
Urgh. Speaking of Sethy, he’s #30.
So hopefully Drew wins, if not him then Joe.
Joe and Owens go under the ropes and go after Sethy and his fangirl squad. 4 on 2 doesn’t go well for them. They also drag out Edge and Orton and attack them on the floor too.
“RANDY ORTON PLACED RIGHT INTO MY LAP” Michael Cole gets an early birthday present.
Buddy Murphy helps Sethy out against Black, and there goes black. Owens throws out Sethy but AOP catch him. Owens is thrown out. Also just realised Otis isn’t in this match and now I’m sad.
Joe goes after Sethy, but Murphy again gets involved and out goes Joe. We are left with Sethy, Roman, Edge, Orton and McIntyre. Everyone eliminated by Sethy’s fangirls jump AOP and Murphy so Sethy is allllll alone. 4 on 1 . KILL HIM. KILL SETHY.
Sethy wants a SHIELD FIST BUMP from Roman. He gets a fist to the face instead. McIntyre kicks Sethy in the face and out he goes!
Orton, Edge, Roman and Drew left. Come on Drew. If you don’t win, then it’ll suck. Really bad. Like, REALLY FUCKING BAD.
Rated RKO maul McIntyre, and hit a DOUBLE RKO~! Orton teases an RKO on Edge, and Edge looks shocked, so Orton just shrugs. OF COURSE HE WAS GONNA RKO YOU IF HE GOT THE CHANCE YOU MORON. So Edge throws out Orton. LOLZ.
“This is one of those matches you make on 2K” Well you might if the games weren’t a buggy, clitchy, shitty mess .
Edge almost eliminates Roman, but in the end both men end up on the arpon and Roman gets rid of the Rated R SOUPASTAR.
Drew and Roman are left. DREW GONNA WIN . Spear counted into a CLAYMORE. ROMAN IS OUT!
DREW WINS! DREW WINS! DREW WINS!
Well, this might have been the most enjoyable rumble in a good while. Brock stuff was entertaining as hell for the first half, and the second half was just as fun with the ring filling up and it never getting boring. PLUS there was some actual GOOD BOOKING with DREW elminating Brock, AND winning the rumble! I was afraid Brock would screw Drew and we’d get someone else winning, but thankfully even WWE realised everyone else sucked and Drew needed to win.
DREW VS BROCK AT WM.
CAL SCALE – 5
Overall CAL SCALE – 7