Royal Rumble 2018
Its time for a HISTORIC night filled with HISTORY MAKING events. Aka a women’s royal rumble match. Yey.
AJ Styles Vs Kevin Owens & Sami Zayn – WWE Championship Handicap Match
I’m a little surprised that this match is kicking off the show. With TWO rumble matches taken place, I figured one would open the show and the other would close the show, to give the fans as much time in between as possible. Ah well.
So, handicap match for the title. I guess we all just KNOW that Owens and Sami are gonna break apart towards the end when one goes for a pin and the other breaks it up, and AJ will use this to his advantage and retain the title. Hopefully they’ll do something different, but this is wrestling. And WWE. Being different isn’t something they like being.
I hear Owens has a bit of a back injury, so Sami will be the one to carry the match for the most part. Which is good because Sami is fecking awesome and I’ve never really cared that much for Owens. Sami Vs AJ singles match appeals to me way more.
Having Owens and Sami somehow win and become co-champions does sound like a cool idea, but yeah, WWE and cool ideas don’t go together these days.
OMG GUYS, I FOUND WALLY (or Waldo for ya’ll across the pond)!!! He’s in the front row! He used to be good as hiding. I guess not so much these days…
Wish I was watching this with the German commentary. They sound so damn cool!!!
a Mr Popo sign in the front row . WHY KAMI WHY? The front row is already better than the show. I mean, nothing has happened yet, but come on. WALLY AND POPO.
Two tags already made without anyone making contact . So looks like we will officially start off with Owens and AJ. Oh wait, Owens gets kicked and tags in Sami 
.
I’m liking this constant tagging in and out. Makes the heels look both cowardly by not wanting to stay in the ring long with AJ, and smart as they are using the handicap stipulation to their advantage. AJ getting between Sami and Owens so a tag can’t be made, only for Owens to run out of the ring and slide back in near Sami so he can tag was amazing. This might end up being way more fun than I was expecting 
.
Has Owens lost some weight? He doesn’t look quite as BEEFY as I remember.
Apparently Owens hurt his ankle on Smackdown? I say this cos he might have hurt himself again. According to the commentary. Not watching weekly shows means I’m clueless on this shit lol.
No wait, its the knee. MAKE UP YOUR MINDS.
Well that was cool! Monkey flip right into a headscissors!
CALF CRUSHER~!
Sami with the save!
Zayn slapping the shit out of AJ .
PHENOMENOMANOMENOMANAL FOREARM~!
This time its Owens making the save.
Sweet forearm exchange, which actually LOOKS GOOD. I remember Zayn and Nakamura in their NXT match doing that and it looked like shit. Here? Not even close. Looked BRUTAL.
AJ sends Zayn out of the ring, the rolls up Owens to retain! Wait, Owens never officially got tagged in!!! I guess we gotta wait while Smackdown to find out what happens next.
I really enjoyed this match. Nice stuff at the start with all the quick tags, good action, and it never went into a stupid finishing stretch with a billion kick outs of big moves. Well done guys!
Rating: ***1/4
CAL SCALE – 2
Owens and Zayn are yelling at Shane backstage about the non tag. Shane saw it. And he doesn’t seem to care . Commentators say the referee’s decision is final. Except when it isn’t, like with the Usos/Gable & Benjamin match. SOME FUCKING CONSISTENCY PLEASE, WWE.
The Usos Vs Chad Gable & Shelton Benjamin – Smackdown Tag Team Championship 2 out of 3 Falls Match
Never seen Gable and Benjamin tag together, and I haven’t seen the Usos since their HIAC match with the New Day. So I have NO IDEA what to expect here.
Huh, this is also 2 out of 3 falls. Didn’t catch that until the commentators mention it lol.
A BIG chop block from Gable and he and Benjamin really bring out the viciousness as they attack the knee of Uso #1. Or is it Uso #2? I dunno. Oh, its Jimmy. He’s Uso #2 
.
Was really enjoying the tag work from Gable and Benjamin, and their leg work too, but honestly I think they went for the hot tag a little too soon, and well, it was more luke warm than hot. Should have done it a little later imo.
TIGER SUPLEX~! Only a 2 count though. BOOOOOO. Tiger Suplex should be insta-win.
oh man, that whole sequence that lead to… a 2 count? A fucking TWO COUNT? Bullshit. But anyway, that whole sequence into the Pay Dirt (for a 2 count) was awesome. Should have ended the first fall though. Hot tag too early and a bullshit 2 count instead of a 3 count. They are just screwing things up that they shouldn’t be screwing up.
Superkick and a splash and… 2 count again. At least save these big kickouts for the final fall please.
Superkick, superkick, double superkick and the first fall is finally over. Was going so well but what might seem like little mistakes really brought it down for me. I’ve been spoilt by fantastic STF matches over the years.
Big time Powerbomb/Clothesline-ish spot to the Uso ON THE FLOOR, leaving the other Uso all alone, but he rolls up Benjamin and gets the win out of nowhere just as he was getting double teamed .
Well, it started good. Then it went to utter shit.
Rating: *
CAL SCALE – 0
30 Man Royal Rumble Match
So, the women’s match is main eventing. Rousey confirmed.
Admittedly I have not been interesting in this PPV at all. Which is odd because its usually my favourite, even above WrestleMania, because I just adore the Royal Rumble Match. I’ve barely watched wrestling since last year’s WM, and my interested as a whole has dropped a ton. But now i’m here, watching live, with a cold beer, I am starting to get into the ROYAL RUMBLE MOOD, and yeah, I’m a little excited now for the match . GOTTA THINK POSITIVE.
Man, how BORING is the “by the numbers” video package now? Used to be so cool. So cool that I did a parody of it and to this day remains my favourite video I’ve produced.
A special guest commentator? Oh, just Lawler. Was hoping for JR.
So, who will be #1? Uhhhh… its… that guy. RUSEV!!! He just has… some dude make his introduction. Who I genuinely have no idea who he is . Man, Rusev Day is OVER. Can’t wait to see how WWE fuck him .
Number 2 is… Urgh. Balor. I hope Rusev sends him over the ropes before number 3 comes out.
WWE seem to be pushing #1 and #2 as the same, talking about how 4 people have won from those positions rather than making #1 out to be the best, which in reality is the exact same as #2. Good job! Only took you 31 years…
According to Lawler, a drop kick is a great way to stop a brick wall. Yeah, ok .
RHYNO!!! Dude’s chest is looking bigger than ever. He’s just so fucking THICK. He and Rusev battling it out .
BELLY TO BELLY~!
BELLY TO BELLY~!
ECW chants for the last original ECW champion!
Can we get a GORE? Please?
Here comes #4, and its… Borin Corbin. Yey…
Cole having to bring up Corbin eliminating Strowman last year. FUCK OFF. That was the dumbest booking decision ever.
Dammit, Corbin countering a gore and eliminating Rhyno. Cunt.
Hahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahhahahahaaaahahahaha Balor eliminates Corbin straight after.
Borin Corbin then attacks Balor and Rusev on the floor. What a sore loser. Fire him!!!
Heath Slater! He gets attacked on his way down the ramp. Oh hey, was that Adam Pearce?
So everyone still in the match is dead because Corbin sucks. Great.
#6 is Elias. Ahhh, ok. He gets to play his geetar in the ring while everyone else is out.
I hope #7 is the Honkey Tonk Man.
Its Andrade Cien Almas. He’s the NXT champion. I’m told. I would have preferred the greatest Intercontinental Champion tbh.
The eater of many things, Bray Wyatt is #8.
I like how everyone has beaten up Slater on their way to the ring so far . Poor guy.
Balor gets back in the match, and I have to wonder, shouldn’t Balor have dressed as THE DEMON for the RR? Seems like it would be a good occasion to paint his face…
BIG E TIME! He feeds Slater some pancakes. That’s nice . I want a pancake.
RUSEV IS BACK~! And he kicks Big E right in the head!
Tye Dillinger once again comes out at #10. Or not! Zayn and Owens beat the fuck out of him backstage! Zayn takes his place instead!!! SAMI IN THE RUMBLE
SHEAMUS~! Weird that he’s out here for the Rumble… and has to compete later tonight. But it won’t matter because Heath Slater eliminates him immediately . Sister Abigail to Slater and he’s out too. Well, I guess Sheamus won’t have to compete in 2 matches tonight . Lawler confuses him for Cesaro .
Woods is out next. Magical.
Apollo Crews is… still employed. And comes out at #13. I hope LASHLEY returns and eliminates him .
Urgh, Nakamura. He’s heavily rumoured to win. Both from “insiders” and the bookies. I have yet to be impressed by the man. Only enjoyed his debut match against Zayn on NXT, and even then I didn’t like it as much as everyone else seemed to.
Dammit, he eliminated Sami Zayn. I hate him more now.
CESARO~! I wonder if he will be eliminated quickly too…
Rusev is still over as fuck, constantly getting RUSEV DAY chants still. He and Cesaro having a sweet battle .
Aaaand the network stream has dieded. Great.
Clicked the button to go back 10 seconds and everything is fine again .
And its only Kofi coming out next. I wouldn’t have missed anything anyway…
Damn, Crews showing some power by pressing Cesaro up and walking across the ring with him, but he gets send over the ropes. Cesaro survives!
Jinder Mahaful . This dude is a former WWE CHAMPION. I… I don’t know what to say about that.
Jinder eliminates Big E and Woods . Lawler picks Jinder to win the entire thing.
Here comes Seth McRawlins. I hope he gets eliminated quickly. But sadly, he eliminates Cesaro instead. Booooo.
Rusev about to eliminate Seth and the camera cuts away .
Jinder throws out Kofi, but one of his feet is on Woods so he hasn’t been eliminated yet. Then Big E puts down a plate of pancakes. Jinder tries to block his return into the ring, but Big E and Woods LAUNCH him over the ropes and over Jinder, and Jinder gets eliminated! That was actually fun. Then Almas throws out Kofi at the opposite side to Big E and Woods
WOKEN MATT HARDY~!
Rusev breaks up Hardy/Wyatt, and they end up teaming up to eliminate him. Sowing the seeds for a future tag team? Wouldn’t surprise me tbh.
Aaaand they eliminate each other. Ah well. Was hoping for more Matt.
ITS JAWN SEENAH~!
Everyone attacks him . And now for Elias/Cena where no doubt Cena will bury Elias and yep, instantly throws him out. Glad they wasted a segment on Raw for that!
OMG THE HURRICANE!!! THE HURRICANE IS BACK!!! New 205 Live Champion incoming!
He tries to chokeslam Cena, and gets thrown out. BOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Aiden English. He’s the dude who introduced Rusev. I miss Rusev.
Adam Cole. From NXT. Fuck me, has he ever been to a gym? I’ve seen bigger arms on babies.
I think English got eliminated. Whatever.
And now for another “favourite” to win; Randy Orton. He won last year. As I keep having to be reminded cos I honestly keep forgetting lol. If he wins tonight he matches Austin’s 3 rumble wins, and becomes the 4th man to win back to back rumbles (Hogan, HBK, Austin so far).
I think that NXT champion dude got eliminated too. Wasn’t paying attention. Don’t care.
Speaking of not caring, its Titus. Does he still do that weird yell?
The Jiz is #26. He gets a pretty big pop. Seems he’s really gotten over in the last year or so, which I can respect even if I don’t care for him, as he does work hard and deserves what he gets tbh.
REY MOTHERFUCKING MYSTERIO!!! HOLY SHIT!!! DUDE IS BUFF TOO!!!
He eliminates Cole, so I’m definitely on the MYSTERIO TRAIN~!
619!!!
And just as everyone marks out for Rey… Roman Reigns shows up. He’s another “favourite” to win too. Which would be awful.
Titus gets eliminated, then with Rollins’ help Miz goes too. And how does Roman thank him? By eliminating him. What a great friend!
Goldust is #29. His 12th RR entrance, which is still only second best tied with HBK and Big Show!
I wonder who #30 is gonna be. Fans are likely expecting a BIG SURPRISE, but what are the odds its just some random dude on the roster? Time to find out…
Dolph Ziggler. Oh, he IS a surprise because he “left” or something. I don’t think there is anyone in the ring right now I’d want to win. Maybe Goldust or Rey.
Damn, Goldust gets superkicked out by Dolph.
Ziggler gets eliminated .
So the final 6 are Rey, Cena, Orton, Roman, Balor and Nakamura. Urgh. AA to Balor, 619 to Reigns and RKO to Nakamura. They are doing the whole “old vs new” shit.
And out goes Orton!
DOUBLE 619 TO ROMAN AND CENA~!
Bah, Balor throws out Mysterio.
Balor, Cena, Nakamura and Reigns are left. One of these men is going to win the Royal Rumble. I have nobody to cheer for. This is awful.
“you both suck” chants for Cena and Reigns, yet they cheer for Nakamura and Balor. I don’t understand the fans any more.
BALOR IS GONE! BALOR IS GONE!!! CENA ELIMINATES BALOR!!! Hahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!
Lawler even confusing which commentator he’s talking to . Dude shouldn’t be out here lol.
Nakamura eliminates Cena with a knee!!!
Roman and Nakamura. Urgh. Odds are BOTH will main event WM in title matches, with Nakamura winning and Roman getting a title match cos he’s Roman and he needs to main event…
Really fun stuff from these two tbh, even if I don’t really care for either of them. Still has nothing on Taker/HBK in 07 
.
ROMAN IS OUT!!! NAKAMURA WINS THE ROYAL RUMBLE~!
A terrible winner in all honestly, but hey, not like there were any genuinely good choices from this entire match.
Winner aside, this was a very fun match. A Rumble I could happily rewatch again.
Rating: ***1/2
CAL SCALE – 3
Nakamura gets asked who he picks to face at WrestleMania, and he picks AJ Styles. So much for adding suspense and spending weeks building up to the decision .
Why are there ADVERTS on a PPV?
What the fuck? A KFC Colonel Rumble? Why wasn’t this on the show? Flair dressed as Sanders .
I wish I had a KFC right now 
.
Seth Rollins & Jason Jordan Vs Sheamus & Cesaro – Raw Tag Team Championship Match
Seth and Cesaro go back and forth with counters and shit and… the fans are too dead from the Rumble to care. They should have put the Smackdown tag titles in this spot since that match sucked balls. This has a chance to be good.
Booker is hilarious on commentary . He just mumbles random shit and is convinced that what he says is right . He’s worse than Lawler .
Jason Jordan gets smashed into the ring po… uhhh… whatever that is covering the ring post, and Seth gets mauled 2 on 1 while a referee and someone else check on Jason.
More Booker nonsense . Graves is subtly taking the piss out of him and he doesn’t even realise it . Sometimes it isn’t even subtle .
I HAVE CHICKEN NUGGETS~!
So Seth fights a handicap match for long enough, then Jason finally gets back into the match, tags himself in, stumbles about, and tags out .
BROGUE KICK followed by a double team Celtic Cross and we have NEW tag team champions!
Match was… watchable. The dead crowd really didn’t help.
Rating: **
CAL SCALE – 0.5
Brock Lesnar Vs Braun Strowman Vs Kane – Universal Championship Match
Ok, this SHOULD be fun. Lesnar and Strowman murdering each other, and Kane not doing too much. HOPEFULLY.
Lesnar genuinely looks HAPPY to be here to face Braun and Kane lol.
Lesnar charges at Kane, but BRAUN kills them both!!!
Knee to the side of the face of Brock by Braun, and Lesnar kinda has that “hahah fuck me that kinda hurt” smile on his face lol.
Lesnar absolutely DECKS Braun in the face, and it looked like a real shot to me lol. Might have been a receipt for the knee .
CHOKESLAM~! Lesnar is dropped, but he shows back up in the ring with a chair, only for BRAUN to punch the chair to death and throw both opponents out of the ring!!!
God, I love Braun. He’s pretty much THE reason I still watch any current wrestling any more.
Here come the tables!!! Clearly Braun is setting them up for a nice meal .
CHOKESLAM TO KANE~!
But here comes Lesnar, and Braun is going to SUPLEX CITY!!!
POWERSLAM THROUGH THE TABLE~! Braun almost beat Lesnar for the title right there, but Kane makes the save!!!
Braun gets.. pushed through a table by Kane. And Cole decides to tell fans that Braun send himself through it .
F-5 to Kane! Braun with a German to Lesnar to break up the pin!!!
Man, this is so much fun . Exactly the type of match it should be.
Strowman’s strongman career finally acknowledged .
How much money do WWE spend on those monitors? Cos they get thrown about any time someone gets put through a table lol.
F-5 TO STROWMAN THROUGH THE ANNOUNCE TABLE~!
Lesnar throws the other announce table on top of Braun!!!
F-5 TO KANE ON THE OTHER ANNOUNCE TABLE~!
SO MANY BROKEN TABLES~!
STROWMAN IS BACK UP!!! BROCK IS IN SHOCK!!!
POWERSLAM~!
POWERSLAM~!
CHAIR FROM KANE~!
F-5 TO KANE~!
1…2…3!!! Lesnar retains!!!
Such a FUN match, and booked exactly how it should have been. CHAOS AND CARNAGE. Kane taking the pin. I couldn’t have asked for more. Except maybe a BRAUN win.
Rating: ***1/2
CAL SCALE – 3
30 Women Royal Rumble Match
HISTORIC HISTORY~!
On my 7th beer. I hope its enough to sit through an hour of Stephanie McMahon on commentary. It’ll be HISTORIC if I make it through that.
It’ll also be historic if I know more than 5 of the women in this match .
Aj and Lesnar didn’t come out to watch the mens RR, but Bliss and Charlotte are coming out for this one because HISTORIC. Also, that Maria Menoooones is a guest ring announcer.
Right, onto the match. #1 is none other than Sasha “I’m going bald” Banks!
Beckly Lynch is #2!
#3 is… Sarah Logan. Never heard of her. She considers herself a “backwards girl”. Ummm… ok.
Here comes Mandy Rose. She is… uhhh… a women .
LITA!!! LITA IS IN AT NUMBER 5!!! YES!!! She wasn’t invited to Raw 25, but she’s here in the Royal Rumble!!! LITA FTW!!!
Stephanie mentioning Chyna? Wow.
LEAVE LITA ALONE~! Mandy Rose tries to hurt Lita and she gets eliminated instead .
Kairi Sane is #6 and she is uhhh… she won the Mae Young Classic. She seems more like Kairi INSANE hahahahahahahahaha.
Tamina is… still employed! And in the rumble match.
LITA DDT~!
LITA TWIST OF FATE~!
LITA TWIST OF FATE~!
She signals for a moonsault .
LITASAULT TO BOTH BECKY AND SASHA~!
Lita eliminates Tamina!!!
Becky eliminates Lita .
Time for Dana Brooke. I know of her, and that’s about that .
Out goes Sane. So much for her.
TORRIE WILSON~!
She eliminates Dana Brooke .
Sonya Deville now and she is… a women. Who is trying to murder Sasha with punches!
Poor Torrie. She is way out of her league in this match lol. She was never much of a wrestler .
Deville eliminates Torrie!
Liv Morgan is also a women making her way into the ring.
MOLLY HOLLY!!! She can probably legit fuck up everyone in the ring. Sarah Logan certainly gets fucked up and sent out of the ring!
MOLLY GO ROUND!!!
RUSEV’S WIFE DAY~! Its Lana!!!
Morgan and Deville basically BULLY Lana, until Lana decides to fuck em up!!! Get em, Lana!!!
MICHELLE MCCOOL~! Aka Miss Undertaker!
UNDERTAKER chants .
What happened to Molly? She isn’t in the ring, but I don’t recall her being eliminated. Unlike Deville and Morgan who both get thrown out by Michelle… and there is Molly, who does get eliminated now by Michelle and ouch, looks to smack hard on the apron first.
Lana is out!!! Just Becky and Sasha left for Michelle to eliminate!
Ruby Riot is the leader of the Riot Squad. That’s all I know .
OMG ITS VICKIE GUERRERO~! EXCUSE ME!!! She tries to eliminate everyone by yelling at them .
Then she realises they all want to murder her and she tries to run, only to be eliminated. MVP of the match.
Carmella! She is the women’s MITB winner and acts like a total moron. That’s all I know about her. Vickie decks her with her MITB briefcase .
#18 is none other than Natalia. She drops her entrance gear on Carmella, who gets up and drops Natalia off the apron . Serves her right for being related to a BALD COWARD.
Kelly Kelly. Yey. Some random kid with braces seems happy.
Bah, headscissors from KK and Natalia is able to throw out Michelle. Booooo.
Naomi is out now. She does something with glow sticks? I think? I dunno. Feel the glow?
31 minutes after entering at #2, and Becky is eliminated. GOOD. She eliminated Lita. Didn’t deserve to win.
Its Jacqueline! Cole tries to prove how tough she is by telling us that she beat Chabo Guerrero for the CW title. A dead fish could beat the shit out of Chabo.
THE ROCK’S COUSIN! I’m sure she has a name. Nia something. THE ROCK’S COUSIN.
Out goes Jacqueline and Kelly Kelly and Ruby Riot!
Too many times women are falling out to the floor without being eliminated and its confusing as to who is out. Are Carmella and Sasha gone? They are outside but I clearly missed them being eliminated lol. Naomi lands on everyone and is now stuck on the barricade.
Here comes Ember Moon, the NXT women’s champion.
She too gets thrown out of the ring, but isn’t eliminated. STOP LEAVING THE FUCKING RING.
Naomi doing a Kofi spot to get back into the ring.
And after all that she still gets thrown out .
BETH PHOENIX!!!
Natalia gets back into the match cos she was never eliminated apparently. Like I said, its confusing as fuck cos everyone keeps leaving the ring without being eliminated. Just like Carmella. So Sasha is still in it too? I dunno.
Natalia eliminates her friend Beth.
ASUKA~! Carmella screams and runs away from her . Sasha gets back into the ring and… gets kicked in the face and rolls out again. STOP. LEAVING. THE FUCKING RING.
Ember Vs Asuka time, and the fans seem to like this.
Ember gets eliminated.
MICKIE JAMES~!
Nikki Bella. Which might have been a surprise had Charlotte not spoiled the fact she was in the match during the pre-show .
Out goes Carmella, which is a shame cos her name reminds me of Caramell.
Brie Bella is also here. But everyone really wants Daniel Bryan.
#29 is Bayley. She might have a decent chance of winning this. Depending on who #30 is, of course…
And it is… TRISH STRATUS~!
STRATISFACTION TO THE BELLAS~!
Trish and Mickie .
Trish eliminates Mickie! And then Nia FLATTENS Trish. Ouch.
Nia is THE BIG SHOW of the women’s Rumble, getting attacked by everyone then shoving them all away.
Nia Jax gets eliminated by the Bella Twins. And Natalia. And Asuka. And Trish. And Bayley. Yep, BIG SHOW of the women’s rumble.
BAYLEY IS GONE! Sasha eliminates her “best friend”.
CHICK KICK~! NATALIA IS GONE!
Sasha eliminates Trish .
Asuka is waiting for her to turn around though. ASUKA’S GONNA KILL YOU.
3 on 1 on Asuka, and those Bellas are so talented they end up punching her in the arse.
SASHA IS ELIMINATED BY THE BELLA TWINS .
So we are down to the Bellas and Asuka. So Asuka is winning.
ASUKA MURDERS THEM WITH KICKS .
Nikki eliminates Brie. WHAT A BITCH .
Asuka eliminates Nikki and wins the first ever HISTORIC HISTORY MAKING WOMEN’S ROYAL RUMBLE!
This was also a ton of fun. I wasn’t looking forward to it, but thankfully it surprised me and I’m happy .
Rating: ***1/2
CAL SCALE – 3
OMG ITS RONDA ROUSEY~! With a coat way too big for her. SHE’S POINTING AT THE WRESTLEMANIA SIGN!!! HOW EXCITING! Wait, who won the first ever HISTORIC HISTORY MAKING women’s Royal Rumble match, again?
Overall CAL SCALE – 11.5
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