The Ultimate Thrill Ride? Yeah, ok. I believe you…
Neville Vs Austin Aries – WWE Cruiserweight Championship
The first kickoff show match. Where only half the crowd will see it. Yey. Stage looks amazing though.
I hear Neville is good now. Mainly due to his heel turn and KING OF THE CRUISERWEIGHTS gimmick. Wonder how Aries is these days. He’s getting on a bit and I haven’t seen him wrestle for a while.
Tons of people already in the arena this time, which is good. Last year the preshow match had about 40 people watching it, and it ended up being one of the better matches on the card .
Neville just broke his own hold to… let Aries get a two count and then gain control. Ok.
First time the CW title has been defended at WM since 2004. And it couldn’t even make the main show. Great work, WWE!
Nice SNAP GERMAN. Aries landed on his HEAD.
Isn’t the deadlift German thing Tozawa’s deal? Or am I thinking of someone else?
Elbow by Aries. Neville falls out of the ring. Oh noes.
Something happens with Aries’ eye. I’m not paying much attention. Red Arrow. Neville wins.
Well this was boring as fuck. What is Neville’s gimmick again? Do moves during the match?
CAL SCALE – 0
Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal
Fucking hell, it takes Braun forever to get to the ring. So many jobbers in this match. If Braun doesn’t win I’ll… not be happy.
Braun throws some loser out as soon as the bell rings .
The fuck is that fat dude with a beard? Doesn’t matter, at this rate Braun will throw him out soon enough. Big Show is getting rid of guys too. Gonna be Braun and Show at the end, isn’t it?
Oh wait… Big Show and Strowman are gone. Already. Seriously?
FUCK THIS COMPANY.
So, who is gonna win? Fuck knows. I don’t even know who half the people in the ring are. I don’t give a fuck. Unless Henry wins.
Oh god please don’t let Dolph win this.
Henry is gone. Magical. Sami Zayn, you are my only hope.
Some random sports loser is in the ring now. Ok.
Oh, he’s Mojo’s friend. Mojo is going to win this because he’s friends with someone more famous than most wrestlers, isn’t he?
What a fucking piece of shit this was.
CAL SCALE – 0
Dean Ambrose Vs Baron Corbin – WWE Intercontinental Championship
WWE moved the SD women’s title match to the main show and this ends up on the preshow .
So Dean got squashed by a forklift a month ago. Baron goes after the injured ribs/back. Its about as exciting as… well everything else on this show so far.
THE ULTIMATE THRILL RIDE.
AAARRRRGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! THREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!! ARRGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
Ambrose with the DDT. This is over.
CAL SCALE – 0
Its MAIN SHOW TIME. Will it be THE ULTIMATE THRILL RIDE? Or will it continue on from the preshow and be boring as fuck?
Who the fuck is Tinashe? I don’t care, actually. Muted while she sings that America song thingy.
Oh joy. The New Day. Forgot they were “hosting” WrestleMania. Michael Cole trying to make us believe he knows what Final Fantasy is. He even makes a sarcastic comment about it .
I HAVE FISH FINGERS IN THE OVEN. Best go get those out. But then it means I’ll miss part of the new day promo…
*goes to get Fish Fingers*
I has teh fish fingers .
Shane McMahon Vs AJ Styles
Holy shit, didn’t expect this to OPEN THE SHOW.
I look forward to watching AJ Styles sell Shane’s missed punches .
WWE trying to sell people on the WWE Network AND Hulu? LOL.
“No way AJ is gonna tire him out” quality commentary from David Ohyoustillhaveajob.
Shane already looks knackered after his first major sequence of moves .
AJ figured Shane would fight, but he wrestles. So AJ punches Shane .
And now SHANE O’MAC fires back. And I think most of them hit! Good job, Shane. Gold star!
Shane kills himself off a bump from a baseball slide. Glorious.
Love how they pretty much change camera angle every time Shane throws a punch just in case they don’t connect .
Shane with MMA SKILLZ~!
ONE ARM STYLES CLASH. Apparently that one arm prevents AJ from getting the 3 count. WRESTLING LOGIC.
REFEREE IS DEAD.
Oh no!!! Not the tinfoil trash cans!!!
What are they doing with the referee? 2 guys are just talking to him while he lays dead on the mat .
They tease AJ doing the coast to coast but Shane makes it obvious as fuck he’s gonna counter it.
And Shane hits it instead now. OH LOOK THE REFEREE IS ALIVE AGAIN.
AJ kicks out.
Elbow through the table time! Odds of AJ moving? High, I’d say.
Yep. AJ moved. Shocking, right?
Phenomenal Forearm countered into a DDT! Shane is going to the top rope. Shooting Star Press!!! It misses, but at least he didn’t land on his head.
AJ teases the PF again and I’m guessing this is the finish. Yep, it lands, and AJ wins.
Well this was… not awesome or a classic or anything, but I got a kick out of it. That’s certainly something .
CAL SCALE – 1
at them forgetting the name of the “Youtube Sensation” in attendance. It wasn’t me so who really cares? Lilly Singh? Can’t say I’ve ever heard of her. What kind of video games does she review?
Kevin Owens Vs Chris Jericho
Walls of Jericho within the first minute. Am I the only one who hoped it would end there?
YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS~!
SWANTON BOMB BY OWENS~! Jerich got his knees up, which probably should have hurt him more than it hurt Owens #FAT.
WALLS OF JERICHO BY OWENS ON JERICHO.
WALLS OF JERICHO BY JERICHO ON OWENS.
POP UP POWERBOMB BY OWENS ON JERICHO.
OWENS GETS ONE FINGER ON THE ROPES TO BREAK THE PIN .
POWERBOMB ON THE APRON~!
Owens wins the US title.
Match was boring as fuck, then had some spots, and then it ended. Whatever.
CAL SCALE – 0
Bayley Vs Sasha Banks Vs Charlotte Flair Vs Nia Jax – WWE Raw Women’s Championship Elimination Match
Got through their entrances and then went to bed. Wasn’t planning on watching the entire thing live anyway, but I really just couldn’t be arsed sitting through this early hours in the morning lol.
Nia Jax with the BONZAI DROP? Awesome.
So, odds of Nia being eliminated first? I’d say pretty high.
Aaaaand after some triple teaming on her, ending with a powerbomb, Nia Jax is eliminated first. I’m smart .
Sasha Banks kinda looks like a clown. Big purple lipstick, purple hair, and a large bald patch making her forehead look HUGE .
Bayley apparently died for a few minutes after the moonsault, leaving Sasha and Charlotte alone, and allowing Sasha to be eliminated.
MACHO MAN ELBOW. Bayley retains.
Huh. Was kinda expecting more from this match. Probs would have been better as a singles match. Or just a triple threat with no eliminations. I dunno. Still fun to watch at least. That’s a win for this show so far.
CAL SCALE – 0.5
Hall of Fame time. Not the actual HOF, but the time where they parade them to the audience. Angle being the headliner gets his own entrance and whatnot.
Awww poor Sethy getting his leg taped up.
Luke Gallows & Karl Anderson Vs Cesaro & Sheamus Vs Enzo & Cass Vs The Hardy Boys – WWE Raw Tag Team Championship Ladder Match
Always love when they show the audience during Enzo’s mic stuff, and there is always a handful of people just looking at everyone chanting along thinking “the fuck is this shit?” . Those are my people .
they made a WRESTLEMANIA MATCH a LADDER MATCH just ONE WEEK BEFORE THE SHOW .
Oh god are The New Day gonna add themselves into this match? No. They are added to the match, but thankfully they didn’t do it themselves.
OH SHIT MAJOR SWERVE THE HARDY BOYS ARE BACK AND ARE IN THIS LADDER MATCH HOLY SHIT. Well done WWE. I totally bought New Day being in the match!
Is Matt still broken? He LOOKS Broken, but is he allowed to do the gimmick in WWE?
Classic HARDY BOYS offence before they eventually get taken out as they try to climb a ladder.
Typical ladder match formula now with each team getting to show off, then get taken out by another team who gets to show off lol.
The clubbing blows from Sheamus done in unison with each spin from Cesaro warms my heart . I wish Cesaro and Sheamus had better tag teams to work with because they look like a great team. I guess now they have the Hardy Boys, so that’s something .
Enzo just being used as a weapon by Cass . About all he’s good for tbh. If he tries anything himself he’ll probably die. Dude got a concussion trying to go through the fucking ropes one time…
I like that a commentator hates Enzo as much as me . Cory Graves FTW!
Oh hey, Cesaro and Sheamus just so happen to be laying perfectly on those 2 ladders set up on the apron and barricade. And oh look, Jeff has a giant ladder! HOW CONVINIENT!
SWANTON BOMB! Only one ladder broke though.
Speaking of BROKEN, Matt Hardy climbs the ladder and retrieves the tag team championships!!! The Hardy Boys are your new tag team champions!!!
Yeah, this was a typical ladder spotfest, but I got a kick out of it. Think I was just marking for the Hardy’s though lol.
CAL SCALE – 2
Holy shit there are still THREE HOURS left on this show…
John Cena & Nikki Bella Vs The Miz & Maryse
Oh boy. I’m still waiting for someone to tell me its a joke. A little late for April Fools, but that’s ok.
So uhhh… is this feud about the fact Miz and Maryse are married and Cena and Nikki aren’t?
Lawler is randomly commentating this match .
Al Roker. He’s uhhh… chocolate thunder. And being the ring announcer for this match. Member when WWE would get real celebrities for WrestleMania? I member .
Cena and Nikki not even coming out together .
Props to Cena for running all the way down to the ring lol.
Someone (probably Vince) must have sat back at some point and thought “you know what was great? Miz Vs Cena at WM that one time. Let’s do it again… but with Nikki and Maryse involved too!!!”.
Stalling. Just what this match needs…
Lawler trying to make Miz and Maryse sound like a bad couple, and pretending the fans aren’t behind Miz. Just fuck off you old fuck.
The amount of care I have for this match is off the charts. Sadly at the wrong end. I was playing WWE CHAMPIONS on iOS for most of the match . Everyone is getting a free ANDRE THE GIANT in the next day or so to celebrate WrestleMania .
Cena and Nikki win.
Cena has a mic. He isn’t going to propose is he? Yep. He is.
CAL SCALE – 0
Triple H Vs Seth Rollins – Non Sanctioned Match
So this feud is about the fact Seth got injured? I am confused. Everything about this was confusing. Seth waited like 6 months before he called out HHH after HHH cost him the title .
HHH will no doubt get some big crazy entrance cos EGO. All we know about it is that Stephanie has some big boots to wear during it.
Seth’s whole deal going into this match is an injured knee. HAVE YOU SEEN THE SIZE OF THE ENTRANCE RAMP?
HHH and Stephanie on a big 3 wheeler bike thing . And a police bike escort to the ring .
STEPHANIE’S ASS IN LEATHER .
HHH trying to do an American Bad Ass entrance… only it doesn’t quite work when your bike has THREE wheels . Kurt Angle looked more bad ass with his moped .
Seth comes to the ring with a torch. A fire one, not something you use to check for monsters under your bed. Cos they are there, you know. I’ve seen em. They don’t like the light. Hence the torch.
I love how these Unsanctioned matches have full entrances, a referee, commentators etc etc.
Kinda surprised WWE still call it a “suicide” dive. Seems like one of those words they wanna ban. Like “wrestler”. Cos its bad…
DDT ON THE TABLE. CHAIR TO THE KNEE.
Soo… Rollins’ knee is hurt. HHH has been beating it to death. So Seth tries to do a sunset flip powerbomb on that knee. Then tries a turnbuckle powerbomb on that knee. He fails both times. Is he fucking retarded?
Cross body from the top rope to the floor. And OMG HE HURTS HE KNEE AGAIN TOO. I hate matches like this. Might as well not bother with any of the knee shit cos he’s clearly just gonna do whatever the fuck he wants. But its ok cos he screams in pain afterwards, right?
A frog splash now. Seriously, he’s just doing his usual fucking offence. The knee story is utterly pointless.
HHH just assaulted the knee of Rollins with a chair. And Seth comes right back with a Superplex, then rolls through that into a Falcon Arrow. ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?
HHH keeps applying leg submissions. Why? I don’t know. He clearly isn’t going to tap out cos apparently his knee isn’t hurting at all given all the shit he keeps going.
Sledgy the Sledghammer makes a WM appearance!
Pedigree. Kick out. Of course.
they spend about a full minute teasing another Pedigree, and it doesn’t happen.
STEPHANIE THROUGH A TABLE~!
Pedigree by Seth. Seth wins.
What a fucking pile of shite.
At least Stephanie’s ass looked fantastic in leather.
CAL SCALE – 0
Oh fuck, some loser singers to waste time. Not watching live so I can skip .
Bray Wyatt Vs Randy Orton – WWE Championship Match
Oh boy. I smell a borefest!
at the ring showing a video of maggots . SPOOKY .
now worms .
Is that honestly supposed to creep Orton out? ITS A FUCKING VIDEO .
I can’t concentrate properly on this match. I’m still in shock they actually did that video thing. TWICE .
SISTER ABIGAIL INTO THE BARRICADE.
RKO ON THE FLOOR.
I hope Randy also gets to show Bray a video to creep him out. Maybe some “highlights” of Husky Harris .
Sister Abigail in the ring and… Orton kicks out. Kick out was so flat too . The fans just don’t seem to care.
SPIDER BRAY + COCKROACHES VIDEO ON THE RING . ITS LIKE A HORROR FILM!!!
RKO and Orton wins .
Wow, this was terrible. I’ve seen bigger and better matches on fucking Heat back in the day.
CAL SCALE – 0
Goldberg Vs Brock Lesnar – WWE Universal Championship
So, Taker Vs Roman is going last. That question has been answered. The only one left is… how long will this match go?
Here. We. Go. Best initiate CAPS LOCK.
SPEAR THROUGH THE BARRICADE~!
LESNAR KICKS OUT!!! LESNAR KICKS OUT!!!
LEAP FROG OVER THE SPEAR~!
1…2…3!!! BROCK LESNAR BEATS GOLDBERG!!! BROCK LESNAR IS THE NEW WWE UNIVERSAL CHAMPION!!!
Well, that was about as good as we could have hoped for tbh. It was never going to be a 20 minute epic match.
CAL SCALE – 2
Alexa Bliss Vs Becky Lynch Vs Mickie James Vs Carmella Vs Natalya Vs Naomi – WWE Smackdown Women’s Championship Match
I don’t think anyone out there knows just how little I care about this match.
Does Natalya still have that fart gimmick? Been a while since I’ve seen her.
Naomi was one of those Funky Dinosaurs back in the day, yeah?
Mickie James still fine as hell.
CAL SCALE – 0
55 minutes left and… isn’t there just the Taker/Roman match left?
Well, time for a long boring segment I guess. Here come The New Day. 75, 245 people at WM this year. Those poor bastards paid to be there…
Huh, that it? I guess so…
The Undertaker Vs Roman Reigns – No Holds Barred Match
Rumours of this being Undertaker’s last match ever. Or just his last WrestleMania match. Rumours of him losing. Then of him winning. Roman heel turn. Undertaker giving Roman respect. So many rumours.
I wonder just how badly in shape Undertaker is. He needs new hips, but is waiting until after WM to get em. Not the best time to be wrestling, tbh.
AMG THE ONE RUMOUR I WANTED TO BE TRUE IS!!! JIM ROSS HAS RETURNED TO CALL THE MATCH!!!
Huh, this is No Holds Barred? Best change the title of the match…
and so the question has been answered. The Undertaker won’t HAVE to walk all the way down the ramp!!! He can just rise up from underneath, half way down!
Probably still should have been closer though… .
Taker throws Roman out of the ring and yells “MY YARD” . 5 STARS FOR THAT.
Roman gets back in, Taker throws him out again… “STILL MY YARD” . 10 STARS.
For a guy needing new hips, Taker ain’t exactly doing bad. Taking some bumps and shit. He’s not walking quite the same, but yeah, he’s still ok.
Besides, he can still throw those awesome punches .
Reigns tries that running apron dropkick thing and… gets decked in the face for his troubles .
CHOKESLAM ON THE TABLE~! That THAT, Germany!
Taker clears the other 2 tables, climbs up and… SPEAR!!! ROMAN SPEARS UNDERTAKER THROUGH THE TABLE!!!
Well, if those hips are getting replaced anyway, might as well go out in style, right?
“WHOSE YARD IS IT NOW, TAKER?” Aaaand Undertaker sits up! Still not yours, Roman!
Roman with corner punches. Hmmm… if only Undertaker had a counter to this…
OMG LAST RIDE OUT OF THE CORNER!!! HOW SHOCKING!!!
Taker brings a chair into the ring and that thieving bastard Roman takes it from him! Only one way to deal with people like that; BOOT TO THE FACE!!!
SUPERMA… CHOKESLAM~! ON THE CHAIR~!
I like how Reigns avoided a chokeslam the first time by leaving the ring, then when Taker came out to get him, he got back in the ring, forcing Taker to come back too, which gave Roman the chance to hit the Superman Punch.
Yeah, kick out. We all saw it coming. Every fucker kicks out of it at WM these days. Except Bray .
They try for a Tombstone counter, and while it looks like Reigns doesn’t have the power to do it, I have to think it was Taker who couldn’t quite flip over in his condition.
Reigns setting up for the Spear… BAM! LANDS IT!
Not locked in even close to properly lol, but Roman gets to the ropes anyway.
Taker crawls for the chair, but Roman stands on it and uses it for himself. Kinda reminiscent of Taker/HHH HIAC with the Sledgehammer.
Taker takes a bunch of chair shots, but the DEAD MAN gets back up, albeit slowly and with the help of the ropes.
UNDERTAKER AGAIN GETS UP SLOWLY. ROMAN WILL NEED TO DO MORE THAN THAT TO KEEP HIM DOWN!!!
UNDERTAKER KICKS OUT AGAIN~!
It took a concussion and BROCK LESNAR to beat Undertaker at WM for the first and only time. What can Roman do?
UNDERTAKER SITS UP… AND FALLS BACK DOWN!
But he’s STILL getting back up!!! This is HIS yard, and you are going to have to take it from his cold dead hands!!! Double dead hands, I guess. Since he’s already the Dead Man.
Taker taunting Roman!
SPEAR~! ROMAN REIGNS HAVE DEFEATED THE UNDERTAKER AT WRESTLEMANIA!!!
The single biggest win ever for Roman. Probably should have been the first loss for Taker at WM tbh, but ah well. A great match, worthy of the WM Main Event. Roman brought it, and despite his age and condition, Undertaker once again brought it as he ALWAYS does. Taker been proving people wrong for years now.
CAL SCALE – 4
Undertaker after the match sits up, puts his hat and coat back on and soaks up the appreciation from the fans that he deserves and has earned in his epic career.
He removes his gloves and leaves them in the ring, as if to signify that he’s done fighting. Oh shit, he’s leaving his coat and hat too! It looks like this might be the actual RETIREMENT OF THE UNDERTAKER . Holy shit, he even went and kissed his wife at ringside. Its over . He walks half way up the ramp and descends down the same pit he emerged from earlier in the night.
Goodbye, Undertaker. You aren’t just another legend, you are THE legend.
Wrestling is officially dead. May it REST. IN. PEACE.
Overall CAL SCALE – 9.5