Royal Rumble 2021 Ramble

The first ever rumble with zero fans in attendance. But they do have the AWARD WINNING and CRITICALLY ACCLAIMED Thunderdome. Uhhh… what award did it win? Which critics acclaimed it? SOURCES PLEASE.

Skipping the pre-show cos… shite. Just like I’ve skipped almost everything from modern wrestling since WM last year. Not expecting much from this show lol.

Drew McIntyre Vs Goldberg – WWE Championship Match

Oh boy. Starting the show off with an old man potentially squashing one of the top guys in the company. Goodie. But hey, with no real fans, WWE can pipe in GOLDBERG chants and not get any flack for it!


Of course Goldberg no sells and Spears Mcintyre though the barricade on the outside. Not just any barricade… but the STEEL BARRICADE.

Bell hasn’t even rung yet.

Drew is hurt, but he gets his foot up to block a Spear as soon as the bell does ring, then lands a Claymore!

Of course Goldberg kicks out.

:lmao the awful camera work from WWE made it look like Drew went for a legdrop and just… completely missed :lmao. What apparently happened was Goldberg ducked out of the way of a Claymore.

Goldberg hits some moves. Jackhammer. Drew thankfully kicks out. Please let Drew win. I know I don’t watch, but just… don’t let Billy win.

Another Claymore and Drew does indeed win.

At least this was short.

Rating: *

Sasha Banks Vs Carmella – WWE Smackdown Women’s Championship Match

I have zero motivation to sit through any of this.

Rating: NO

Someone called Bad Bunny is singing a song called Booker T. I’d rather go back and watch the women’s title match.

30 Women Royal Rumble Match

Uhhh… are WWE just using the same WM logo as last year? :lmao

Bayley is #1. She is feuding with Michael Cole? I don’t understand what is happening.

#2 is… Naomi. She’s returning, apparently.

Well hey, this is somewhat good. I know both entrants so far! Wonder how many I’ll know by the end :P.

Did you know? Rey Mysterio started #1 in the 06 Rumble. They have to get King to butt in and say that the #1 and #2 positions are the same :lmao.

#3 is… Bianca Belair. I’ve seen her before in previous rumbles too. She annoys me. I mean, I could probably say that about everyone on this show. Whatever.

If I don’t have fun with this show, I’m considering retiring my Rambles after WM this year.

#4 is Billie Kay. Is she the Aussie? If so I kinda know her too. Maybe? Yes, she’s Aussie. She goes and sits on commentary.

#5 is none other than… Shotzi Blackheart? And she’s coming to the ring in a mini tank? I’m sure that has something to do with whatever gimmick she has. Probably. No idea who she is.

Shayna Baszler is #6. I know her too.

Oh yeah, wanna know why I’ve not said anything about the in ring action so far? BECAUSE ITS BEEN AWFUL.

#7. Toni Storm. Her name rings a bell but I don’t recognise her. Maybe she’s changed gimmicks since I last saw her? I dunno. I don’t really care. She hits a nice German Suplex. Then a crap one but I think it was more due to Bayley taking it like shit.

Jillian Hall is back at #8. Billie is trying to make a team with her. BILLIE AND JILLIE. Jillie accepts. This is oddly the most interesting thing to happen so far.

#9 is Ruby Riott. She tries to fuck up Toni Storm but Tony WEATHERS THE STORM and hits a German Suplex. I’m so funny :).

#10 is Victoria! She fucking everyone up.

#11 time. Its… its… Peyton Royce. Is she the other Aussie? Has here been any eliminations yet btw?

IIconics almost get back together but one of them is trying to become friends with Ruby Riott so she doesn’t do some pose or something?

#12 is Santana Garrett. Never heard of her but she kinda looks like a bootleg Sasha Banks :lmao.

Oh apparently Blackheart was eliminated. Don’t think I noticed. Or cared.

Liv Morgan is #13. Yep. That’s a thing that happened.

Jillie turns on Jillie. Gets eliminated by Billie. Billie then gets eliminated.

Rhea Ripley is here at #14. She is also making a return? Ok.

She throws out Toni Storm. They have a history, apparently.

Victoria is gone.

Bootleg Banks is also gone.

Oh joy. #15 is Charlotte Flair.

Ruby Riott tries to eliminate something with a German Suplex off the apron, so Bayley goes under the ropes and Powerbombs Ruby to the floor to eliminate her. Dat was kewl :).

Dana Brooke is #16. Still so many entrants to go. I am so bloody bored.

Torrie Wilson is #17. I’m sure she’s gonna win.

Dana Brooke gets powerbombed on the apron to be eliminated. They already overusing Powerbomb eliminations.

#18 is… RIC FLAIR? I mean… I know he has man boobs… Oh ok its Lacey Evans in a Flair Robe.

#19 is Mickie James. I think Bayley just got eliminated too but the camera was focused on Torrie Wilson’s elimination :lmao. GREAT CAMERA WORK AGAIN.

Nikki Cross is #20. 10 more to go. 10 more to go. 10 more to go.

Alicia Fox is #21. Does she still have a job or is this just a one-off rumble appearance?

R-Truth is being chased by 24/7 challengers so of course he gets in the ring and gets pinned by Alicia Fox. Who is still in the rumble.

#22 is Mandy Rose.

She eliminates Fox. R-Truth rolls up Fox and wins back the 24/7 title. Ok.

Dakota Kai time at #23. Words.

#24 is Carmella. With some dude called Reginald. Dakota Kai smashes her face on the apron on her way out. That looked nasty.

Tamina is still employed. I mean, #25.

Belair and Naomi do stuff.

Lana is #26. Also making some sort of return. Has half the women’s roster been out injured all year?

Alexa Bliss is #27. Did they ever explain why she’s the female Bray Wyatt now? Or like Bray Wyatt have they just never bothered explaining the character? :P

Oh no Alexa turned evil and broke some of the Thunderdome then got eliminated before she could do anything :lmao. Well that was pointless.

#28. Almost at the end! Ember Moon.

#29. So close now. Its Nia Jax :lmao. Wonder who she’ll injure today!

Guess Natalya is #30 then. How exciting…

Lana eliminates Nia :lmao.

Here comes Natalya. Finally. No more. Charlotte Flair the only one in the ring I would think is “credible” enough to win. But I don’t watch so fuck knows.

Jax and Baszler are eliminated so they go back and attack everyone.

5 left. Almost over. Lana gone. 4 left. Almost over.

Natalya gone. 3 left. The pain is almost gone.


Flair is out.

Belair and Ripley are left. So… Ripley?

This is awesome, apparently.

Oh. Belair wins. Didn’t see that coming.

Rumble sucked. Like, so much.

Rating: 1/4*

Roman Reigns Vs Kevin Owens – WWE universal Championship Last Man Standing Match

So uhhh… this feud was built around Reigns Vs Pearce. Aaaand then Owens was thrown into it. Wish it remained Reigns Vs Pearce :P.

A Superman Punch and a Pop-up Powerbomb in the first 2 minutes. I think they been watching too much Goldberg and Lesnar matches…

Spear on the floor. Was a nice looking Spear. I’ll give em that.

Cole doesn’t know the difference between Kevin’s left arm and his face…

Owens attacking the legs of Roman in a LMS match is UNIQUE, apparently.

Roman throws Owens off the top of the THUNDERDOME though some conveniently placed tables. Owens still gets up. Because why not.

Owens wanders around backstage and… comes across another ring randomly set up and… Roman runs him over in a golf kart :lmao. Owens still manages to get up. Because why not.

Owens capable of fighting back and hitting a Pop-Up Powerbomb on the table, then follows up with a splash so the table breaks. Bet the match doesn’t end still. Because why not.

Smallest ladders in WWE randomly set up. Is Hornswoggle returning?

The ladders are so small, Owens gets a forklift, raises it up and jumps off that :lmao.

Now, you would THINK that would end the match. But it doesn’t. Because why not.

Why is Miz’s MITB Briefcase randomly on a table? Are they TEASING something? Probably not. WWE aren’t that creative.

Spear through the screen at the top of the ramp. Looked a billion times worse than the Goldberg barricade spear from the opener :lmao. I hope this ends the match just for the lols.

Damn, it isn’t the end :lmao.

Owens burning his arm on a light :lmao.

Kinky Roman with handcuffs.

Kinky Kevin has them now and handcuffs Roman to some staging. Roman can’t stand up so he kills the referee :lmao.

Good job we only have one referee otherwise Roman would have lost by now!

Heyman fumbles about with a key and a new referee shows up, starts counting, then stops when he sees Heyman can’t unlock the cuffs :lmao. WHAT THE FUCK :lmao.

Owns is also dead at this point, I guess.

ROMAN IS FREE and Owens has recovered just in time apparently :lmao.

Guillotine submission. Always loved that hold.

:lmao the original referee is still dead. Nobody came to help :lmao.

Owens is dead. Roman wins.

So uhhh… some good stuff here. Some stupid shit that I hated. And some funny stuff that wasn’t supposed to happen. Best modern match I’ve seen in a while :lmao.

Rating: **

30 Man Royal Rumble Match

So WWE announced the first 2 entrants in this match. Edge and Orton. WWE trying to bore us all to death. I have an awful feeling both men are gonna last for a large portion of the match too. Boring us the entire match. Fuck WWE.

#3, please be someone good. PLEASE.

Sami Zayn! Yey!

He’s gonna be eliminated quickly isn’t he? Well, he’s still here as #4 is coming out. Better than I expected.

Mustafa Ali from RETRIBUTION :lmao. 3 one 1 against Edge, at least. Can they please eliminate him now?

#5 is gonna save him, isn’t he? Its Jeff Hardy who is a babyface so yes, Edge is saved because babyfaces love each other.

Orton RKO’s everyone except for Edge who Spears Orton. But they both fight outside by going under the ropes. FUCKING ELIMINATE THEM AND GET THEM TO FUCK OFF.

Edge hits his DDT on the table.

#6 shows up. Its Mr Ziggles. Well at least Sami is still in the match. One out of 6 is… better than None out of 6.

Hardy is eliminated. Back to all the heels killing Edge. THROW HIM OVER THE ROPES. Oh, they do. But he hands on because FUCK EVERYTHING.

Nakamura time. He won in 2018. And went on to… do fuck all.

Orton is being walked to the back with a knee injury. I bet he’s faking it.

Carlito? That’s… not cool. Cos he fucking sucks.

So Orton is done for the time being, leaving us with Old Man Edge still in the match? Oh joy. Bet we gotta wait till like #29 before Orton returns to save us for Edge.

Woods time. That’s as excited as I can get for him.

#10 time. Its Big E. He and Woods double team Sami and eliminate him. BOOOO. NEW DAY SUCKS.

Speaking of sucking, its John Morrison.

Ali eliminates Woods. Big E is PISSED and eliminates Ali.

Ricochet. He’s #12. Thank you Big E for not falling over when Ali dives on like 6 guys and barely touches half of them. You just won MVP of the year for that alone. Doubt anyone gonna do anything better in the next 11 months.

Elias is still a thing. Huh.

Damien Priest is #14. Ok. Not sure who he is. He’s apparently the ARCHER OF INFAMY. Lame nickname and I doubt he does anything related to archery outside of putting pictures of arrows on his ring gear.

10 minutes after Orton was taken to the back, he’s only just getting treated by a doctor. Sounds about right.

Miz is #15. And grabbed his briefcase off the table. Then uses it to bash some DJ equipment that the Bunny Man used to sing to Booker T.

Even other heels hate Mr Ziggles.

Bunny Man comes out to confront Miz, and Priest eliminates Miz and Morrison while they are distracted. Bunny Man hops off the top rope onto Miz and Morrison. Literally just a random man to me.

Urgh, Riddle.

DANIEL BRYAN~! #17. Can’t wait to see how they kill the dream of him winning. Goldust can’t return this time…

Edge almost eliminated. Legit forgot Edge was still in the match :lmao. HAS HE DONE ANYTHING SINCE ORTON FUCKED OFF? :lmao

KANE IS BACK~! #18 for the big red machine. Can’t wait for him to eliminate Bryan :lmao.

Kane chokeslamming and eliminating people that suck :mark:.


Please don’t eliminate Bryan. Please. PLEASE. Phew, just a chokeslam.

Priest exercises the demon Kane.

Borin Corbin. Still employed. Also #19.

#20 is Otis. Pretending to be a Bushwhacker. If Bryan doesn’t win I’d be ok with Otis winning. Oh well, Otis is gone. So much for that.

Dominik Mysterio. He gets killed the second he enters the ring :lmao. Then eliminates Corbin :lmao.


Bobby Lashley at #22. He’s gonna murder some bathturds.


The Hurricane. He’s uhhh… fat now. Tries to re-create the HHH/Austin spot from 02 but with Big E and Lashley. Works just as well. So long, Hurricane. Don’t come back!

CHRISTIAN~! FUCK YES!!! IN A MATCH! :mark: He helps everyone eliminate Lashley.


Now… turn on Edge please. Not to have a match, but to just turn on him cos he sucks. Or team up and kill Riddle. That’s better tbh.


AJ at #25. He’s no Christian. Well, he is. But that’s not what I meant. He’s a Christian, just not CHRISTIAN. The good one. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

Mysterio. With both eyes. Disappointing.

Holy fuck they shilling some Mexican Beer now Rey is here :lmao.

Omos drags Big E over the ropes cos he’s a giant. That’s what they do.

#27 time and its none other than… Sheamus. He’s ok.


Omos (or is it Omas?) eliminates Mysterio. He’s not even in the match.

CESARO~! We have Cesaro, Christian, Bryan and Sheamus in the ring at the same time. Its like the good old days :).

Urgh. Seth Rollins.

Wonder who #30 is gonna be. Its… its… Braun Strowman. Boo he eliminates Cesaro. Then Sheamus. Then AJ after faking where he was gonna throw him so Omos/Omas wasn’t able to catch him.

Another this is awesome chant piped in as we get to the final bunch of men in the ring. Riddle is still in the match. Someone get him the fuck away from us please.

Orton not back yet. Get it over with please. Bryan building momentum. And the cynic in me is waiting for them to eliminate him because that’s the kind of shit WWE do.

Fucks sake. Eliminated by Seth.

Christian is our only hope now. Everyone else sucks.

Seth eliminates Riddle aka the only good thing Seth has done in years.

Urgh, Seth eliminates Christian and Strowman goes out too. Edge throws out Seth and Orton attacks Edge but Edge counters and wins the rumble. In 2021. What a load of utter shite.

Some really fun moments here (CHRISTIAN), but oh boy the booking continues to be utter bollacks in WWE. What on earth does Edge, or anyone else for that matter, gain by winning the Rumble?

Rating: **3/4

Overall CAL SCALE – 0.5

Leave a comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.