Royal Rumble 2017 Ramblings 1

Royal Rumble 2017

Well, I quit watching wrestling full time around… 7 months ago? Whenever the brand split happened. Since then I’ve seen maybe 5 matches. I don’t know much of what’s happening storyline wise, and hell, I don’t even know the full card for this show! BUT, this is the ROYAL RUMBLE, and I’ll be damned if I miss it!

Cesaro & Sheamus Vs Gallows & Anderson – WWE Raw Tag Team Championship Match

This is a pre-show match, but fuck it, I’ll watch it. Cesaro and Sheamus as a team sounds interesting, so maybe this could be fun. Depends on what Gallows and Anderson are like these days. Last time I saw them they were boring as shit, which is odd because Gallows used to be super fun to watch, and I enjoyed Anderson when he teamed with GIANT BERNARD aka Albert/A-Train/Tensai in Japan.

Cesaro clearly wants to save himself for the RR match later as he starts the match off with a dropkick and tries for a quick cover lol.

Cesaro and Sheamus are working really well together as a team, with double team moves and tons of quick tags to keep themselves fresh and prevent their opponent from gaining any kind of advantage.

Fuck me, Gallows with a big… kick thingy. Uhhh, it has a name I’m sure. Punk did it a lot. I’m sure you know what I mean. Just seems odd coming from someone the size of Gallows lol. Anyway, he decks Cesaro with it, then smashes Sheamus off the apron with it and this no doubt leads to Gallows and Anderson gaining the advantage. We’ll have to see AFTER THE COMMERCIAL BREAK. Forgot these kickoff shows have them lol…

We come back and Cesaro is hitting a suplex on Gallows then tags in Sheamus. So much for that kick changing the tide of the match .

Huh, Sheamus hits White Noise, with some added help by Cesaro who jumps off the ropes and helps push Gallows into the mat… and the commentators treat it like a fucking body slam and Gallows kicks out of it like it was nothing. Did I miss something?

SHEAMUS KILLS A REFEREE WITH THE BROGUE KICK~!

Thankfully we have a second referee at ringside because Sheamus wiped out a referee in their last match, which ended in a DQ. So… we needed a second referee in this match to… call the DQ straight away? I dunno, honestly makes no sense.

ROLL UP~! ANDERSON AND GALLOWS WIN THE RAW TAG TITLES!!!

So no DQ this time despite Sheamus killing the referee? No? None of this shit makes sense to me .

Honestly, kinda disappointed with the ending. Anderson and Gallows were basically on the defence the entire match. Sheamus and Cesaro were dominating 99% of the match, and then lost with a roll up.

Aside from the ending, this was super fun. Cesaro is a fucking BEAST.

Rating: ***
CAL SCALE – 2

Sasha Banks Vs Nia Jax

Nah, I’m good thanks. Maybe next time…

Rating: NO
CAL SCALE – -1

HBK was supposed to be on the pre-show panel, but fucked off for some unknown reason. Seems he wanted to head to the ring instead! someone with a Mr Bean poster .

Well, that was… a thing. Pretty pointless lol.

Bayley Vs Charlotte – WWE Raw Women’s Championship Match

The show has officially started now and… sorry. Not in the mood for this match either lol.

Rating: NO
CAL SCALE – -1

Kevin Owens Vs Roman Reigns – WWE Universal Championship Match

Jericho is raised about the ring in a shark cage to stop him from interfering in the match.

Don’t really wanna watch this match either . But its a main title match so I’ll suffer through it.

I see Roman is just as popular as ever .

Huh, the match is No DQ as well.

Wait, its No DQ? But they are still putting Jericho in the cage to prevent him from getting involved? what the fuck is going on these days? First that retarded 2 ref thing in the tag titles match and now this? I know logic and wrestling have never gone together all that well, but it seems that logic has left altogether .

Jericho and Owens attack Roman before Jericho can be locked in the cage, but of course Roman fights back and throws Jericho in and we can officially start the match now. This NO DQ MATCH WHERE ANYTHING GOES AND ANYONE CAN INTERFERE… except Jericho because LOGIC.

So Jericho is locked in the cage so this match can be ONE ON ONE and THE BETTER MAN CAN WIN. So Roman takes the fight outside and hits Owens with a metal pole. COS HE’S THE BETTER MAN APPARENTLY.

Owens using a chair now. But its ok, it isn’t Jericho! LOGIC~!

Owens builds something out of chairs and tries to powerbomb Roman through it. The fans boo like crazy when Roman escapes .

MASSIVE powerbomb by Roman! Owens kicks out. Kinda makes Owens’ finisher, the powerbomb, look weak, doesn’t it?

FROG SPLASH FROM THE TOP ROPE TO THE FLOOR THROUGH A TABLE~! Roman is dead. Hopefully. But we all know he’ll kick out because that’s just what happens these days. Yep, 2 count.

Jericho passes some brass knucks to Owens. Owens could have just brought them out himself. Besides, this is NO FUCKING DQ anyway. Jericho technically just interfered there, and guess what? IT WAS ALLOWED. BECAUSE THIS IS NO DQ. SO WHY EVEN BOTHER WITH THE MOTHERFUCKING CAGE?!?!?! ARRRGHHHHH.

SAMOAN DROP THROUGH THE CHAIR~! I hope Roman doesn’t win there cos that just wouldn’t be right, using a weapon like that! Oh, no, its ok, its legal because NO DQ. Owens can’t win without cheating, so they basically made CHEATING LEGAL in the match. And then stuck Jericho in a cage. 13:40 isn’t too early for alcohol, is it?

Stunner by Owens? That was random as fuck lol…

Member those chairs set up by Owens? I member. Owens gets knocked through them.

2 announce tables have already been “set up” for a spot, so what does Roman do? Piss about with the 1 table not set up. POWERBOMB TO OWENS.

BRAUN STROWMAN~! He’s out to kill Roman. And guess what? THIS IS LEGAL BECAUSE ITS NO DQ . Jericho is in a cage, but ANY OTHER FUCKER CAN INTERFERE. BECAUSE MOTHERFUCKING BULLSHIT LOGIC.

OWENS RETAINS THE TITLE!

Fuck me this entire match was a bullshitty farce.

Rating: *
CAL SCALE – 0

Stephanie and Foley backstage even admit the sharkcage thing was fucking pointless .

SAMI ZAYN~! He gets to pick his number. SAMI JUST GRAB YOUR BALL. And then Dean shows up. Gets his number and then says he’s gonna take a nap. Before he goes, he opens up Sami’s ball and reveals his number is 8.

Rich Swann Vs Neville – WWE Cruiserweight Championship Match

This gets on the main card and the tag titles match doesn’t?

they skip the CHAMPION’S ENTRANCE to show us all the different commentary teams .

crowd is fucking dead except for one dude shouting “NEVILLE”.

Your god this is boring. Crowd don’t give a shit, and for the “205” division they are wrestling this like a fucking mid-card raw match between two jobber heavyweights. I know I’m not exactly a fan of spotfests and shit, but come on, make the 205 division different at least by HAVING those types of matches.

At least when Swann makes his comeback he does some cool athletic shit to get a pop from the crowd. Sure, they are silent about 2 seconds after the pop, but its better than nothing.

This feels longer than most Royal Rumble matches…

Rich Swann taps out. New champ. Shoot me.

Rating: 1/2*
CAL SCALE – 0

AJ Styles Vs John Cena – WWE Championship Match

So, if Cena leaves with the title, he equals Ric Flair’s record of 16.

What to say about this match so far… hmmmm. Well, it feels like a typical big Cena match does these days. Back and forth action, Cena keeps hitting big powerful clotheslines, and an AA out of nowhere that is clearly not gonna end the match because FUCK FINISHERS. Not a fan of finishers being worthless, but I do enjoy this Cena match style for the most part tbh.

I would talk about this match more, but I’m in rather a lot of pain atm so its making this hard lol. Back and leg pain at 28. I’m gonna be a wreck by the time I’m 40 lol.

Nice submission back and forth sequence. Hell at one point when Cena powered out of a hold, it looked like he was gonna hit the Styles Clash, but nah, went back into a submission hold. I’d have given the match at least like, ** for a Cena Styles Clash .

I’d like to see Cena do a strongman contest. I reckon he’d do pretty well. He kinda reminds me of Mariusz Pudzianowski with his body shape and how he’s really fast with plenty of stamina but still massively strong and powerful.

STYLES CLASH~! Done by AJ though, so no extra stars for it. Sorry.

A kickout. Of course. Because finishers are bullshit.

OOOSHI GAROSHI~! Yeah, I know I’m butchering the spelling of that move worse than any other spelling mistake I’ve ever made, but I don’t care lol. Not like the move matters anyway since Cena kicked out.

Super AA. AJ kicks out. MAMA MIA~!

Styles Clash. Whatever. Just a glorified body slam at this point.

AA. Roll thingy and another AA. Cena becomes a 16 time champion.

Well, 16 times, huh? Cena will go down in history for this no doubt. As far as the match goes… I mean, I enjoyed it for the most part, but it just suffers from the same problems almost every match in current wrestling suffers from, with finish kickouts all over the place, lack of selling in points and moves done for the sake of doing them.

Rating: ***
CAL SCALE – 2

30 Man Royal Rumble Match

ITS TIME! ITS TIME! ITS… ROYAL RUMBLE TIME!!!

Ok, don’t disappoint me Mr Rumble. You are my only hope.

Who gonna be 1 and 2? I hope its someone interesting. Knowing my luck it’ll be Kofi and Miz.

Worse. Big Cass.

And number 2 is… Jericho. Well, 2 minutes until someone interesting might enter.

Lawler thinking it was the 95 Rumble where he hid under the ring . 1996, Jerry.

Kalisto. Yey…

Fuck me how long is the ramp from the stage to the ring? Seems to take Kalisto ages, and he’s running .

Mojo Rawley. They just keep getting worse .

Might end up not getting a decent entry until #8 with Sami.

JACK GALLAGHER!!!

Jericho now beats out HHH for most time spend in the RR overall, at over 4 hours.

Gallagher battering people with his umbrella!!! at the spot with Jericho. Glorious.

MARK MOTHERFUCKING HENRY!!! He headbutts the fuck out of everyone . Gallagher trying to use the umbrella to float around, but gets thrown out anyway .

BRAUN STROWMAN!!! Things gonna pick up even more now!!! He’ll probably eliminate Henry .

Rawley is out first. Jericho gets the fuck out of the ring. Cass eliminated! Jericho still cowering on the floor. HOLY FUCK at the throw to Kalisto! He’s gone.

HENRY VS STROWMAN TIME! TWO LEGIT STRONGMEN GOING AT IT!!! HENRY HOLDS ON! And then gets eliminated . Knew it was coming. Jericho stays out of the ring still while we wait for another entrant.

And its #8 time! Sami Zayn! He and Strowman have had problems and now its time to get it on in the Rumble!!!

THE BIG SHOW!!! Time for another BEEF-OFF!!!

CHOKESLAM TO STROWMAN!!! Jericho gets in the ring thinking he can take advantage and… gets knocked out . As in, punched in the face, not knocked out of the match. Though he does roll back to the floor .

Strowman eliminates Big Show for a second year straight!!!

#10 and is it gonna be… yeah, that Tye Dillinger guy who loves the number 10. Dammit WWE, of all the times to troll the fuck out of the fans, you didn’t even try this year did you?

Tye and Sami try to double team Strowman, but end up getting a double suplex for their troubles.

James Ellsworth is in the rumble!!! Is it possible to beat Santino’s time of a second in the match?

Strowman stares down Ellsworth, and from behind Sami and Tye almost eliminated him! I legit thought he was done there!!!

#12 is Ambrose, and Ellsworth still hasn’t got into the ring! Jericho is out cold on the floor somewhere too.

Ambrose basically sends Ellsworth into the ring to get killed. And that is what happens. Ouch.

Strowman is still in control of this match despite being triple teamed!

Yawn, Borin Corbin is next. I hope Strowman mauls him.

4 on 1 attack on Strowman now, and that still doesn’t work! Tye is eliminated!!! Totally digging Braun.

OH MY GOD. CORBIN ELIMINATED STROWMAN. THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT?

I was expecting Roman to show up for revenge and be responsible for his elimination, not this useless boring cunt.

Speaking of useless and boring, its Kofi.

Man, what a downer Strowman’s elimination was. Even the fans have died down. Urgh.

Miz is out next at #15. I hear he’s gotten good now. Only took him a decade of being in WWE…

Jericho is still Rumble Dodging on the floor. Lazy twat .

So Kofi smashes himself ribs first onto the ring post, and gets back in the ring like nothing happened?

SHEAMUS~! He gotta be pissed at losing the tag titles. I hope he eliminates Borin Corbin. In fact no, I hope someone like Kofi eliminates Corbin. Ultimate humiliation for ruining this match for me.

Oh hey, Jericho is back. And gets knocked out with a Brogue Kick . Is Jericho just gonna keep getting knocked out? Kinda funny tbh.

#17 already? This rumble is going fast.

Urgh, Big E. He spanks Miz.

RUSEV CRUSH. What happened to his face? A broken nose? From a cross body?

CESARO~!

BIG SWING~!

BIG SWING~!

BIG SWING~!

BIG SWING~!

BIG SWING~!

BIG SWING~!

He teases the swing on Sheamus who is begging him not to because they are partners. Rusev kicks him in the head before he can make a decision.

Urgh, Woods is next. All 3 New Day members in the match now.

Well, at least with 10 entrants left we still have BROCK LESNAR, GOLDBERG AND THE UNDERTAKER to come .

#21 about to come out… come on… someone good… oh. Bray Wyatt. DID YOU KNOW HE WAS GONNA WIN UNTIL WWE CHANGED THEIR MIND? WHEN HE DOESN’T WIN YOU’LL KNOW I WAS RIGHT!

Wow, they actually call back to something from months ago between Bray and Woods. I don’t exactly understand it, but nice of them to member!

Apollo Crews. Ok.

I SEE YOU, JERICHO. I SEE YOUR HEAD PEAKING UP FROM THE APRON.

Fans are getting bored and chanting for GOLDBERG.

SHEAMUS AND CESARO ELIMINATING THE NEW DAY! SHEAMUS TRIES TO TURN ON CESARO, AND BOTH MEN GET THROWN OUT BY JERICHO!!!

I wonder who will knock Jericho out this time…

Orton time! And he might be the guy to knock Jericho out again with an RKO.

Bunch of RKO’s, while Jericho tries to hide, then sneak up on Orton!

LESNAR. I predict LESNAR. Nope, Ziggler. Urgh.

Bunch of superkicks, and again Jericho stays out of the way of the chaos lol.

#25. This is Lesnar. Gotta be. Nope. Luke Harper. That’s ok, he’s good.

Harper eliminates Crews! He is having problems with Bray and Orton or something, and he DECKS Bray with the lariat and goes after Orton!!! HE TEASES SISTER ABIGAIL ON BRAY, BUT GETS AN RKO!!!

#26 on their way. Its Lesnar. Gotta be Lesnar. ITS LESNAR!!! I WAS RIGHT! I AM PSYCHIC!!!

Ambrose gone, Ziggler gone, German to Rusev, German to Jericho, German to Corbin, F-5 to Miz, F-5 to Orton! Orton has fucking WRECKED THE RING.

#27 now, and yeah, its Goldberg, right? its fucking Enzo . Lesnar gonna rape him . One clothesline and its over for Enzo . 3 men left, 2 of em are Taker and Goldberg .

Here we go… GOLDBERG!!! ITS GOLDBEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRGGGG!!!

LESNAR AND GOLDBER TIME!!! SPEAR!!! LESNAR IS ELIMINATED!!! GOLDBERG! GOLDBERG! GOLDBERG!!!

JACKHAMMER TO ZAYN~!

DOUBLE SPEAR TO ORTON AND WYATT!!!

#29, is it Taker or someone else?

ITS THE UNDERTAKER!!! THE DEADMAN IS COMING FOR YOU, GOLDBERG!!! He appears in the ring!!! Goldberg and Taker are staring each other down!!! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES!

Bah, fucking Corbin ruins it, and Rusev too. Mainly Corbin. Rusev and Corbin are gone. SPEAR TO UNDERTAKER!!! HARPER. UNDERTAKER ELIMINATES GOLDBERG!!! YES! YES! YES! YES!

Undertaker is winning! He’s gonna do it!!! But… who is number 30?

CHOKESLAM TO MIZ!

CHOKESLAM TO SAMI!

Here comes #30.. who is it? Sting? Joe? HHH?

ROMAN REIGNS?

How did Roman get into the match?

ROMAN VS TAKER TIME… yey…

Taker punching Roman in the face .

Oh god if Roman eliminates Taker…

CHOKESLAM TO ROMAN~!

MIZ ELIMINATED~! ZAYN ELIMINATED~! TAKER IS ON FIRE~!

Roman eliminated Undertaker. WWE have committed booking suicide.

BULLSHIT chants .

Orton, Bray, Jericho and Roman are the final four. Urgh.

Out goes Jericho. He lasted an hour.

Seriously, how the fuck did Roman even get in this match? He lost the WWE Universal Championship match, so why get this as a reward? I don’t see AJ in the rumble…

Bray is eliminated.

Orton wins.

Oh god we better not be getting Orton Vs Cena at WM…

So, aside from some absolute ASININE decisions, this was a super fun Rumble match.

Rating: ***3/4
CAL SCALE – 4

Overall CAL SCALE – 6